My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?
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Old 09-03-2010, 08:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

We have been married for four years. Both of us have been married previously. We have her two teenager children who live with us. Both are fantastic kids.... We have a beautiful home, and I am able to provide financially very well for our family so that my wife does not have to work outside the home.

I adore my wife. I love her with all my heart. Truth is that I worship the ground she walks on. I have tried everything. I constantly tell her I love her, I used to send her flowers every week, buy her jewelry, clothes, or anything she wanted.

The problem? She doesnt tell me she loves me. Ever. Oh, she will say "I love you too", when I say "I love you" to her. Or she will say it at the end of a phone conversation, but never does she initiate it on her own, or show me affection. Never hugs me, never embraces me, never ever walks up to me to say: "I have been thinking of you, and wanted you to know I love you."

I am now over it. I have asked her over and over again to tell me, and she will say "I am sorry", but then nothing changes. I am now convinced that she is not in love with me, but will not tell me because of the security I provide for her and the children.

What can I do?
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

What happens if you just stop with the compliments, flowers, and ground worshiping? Not sure what her life was like before you but she might be used to having to work for any positive attention she received. I wouldn't treat her badly or be mean about it, but would just give her the opportunity of being romantic pursuer. It's possible that "love" to her is more about security and less about romance. You ARE supporting an unemployed woman and her two teenage kids. If the romantic/sexual thing is important to her and you quit casting the line, she'll swim over to your hook.
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

u both may be right, at the same time too, aint that a "b"?

really she's not showing u other things for u to fret over "i love u". if she is then hey, man up. u hint at her not doing so w/ the security thing which is by the way, a typical female primary concern.

the bait n hook 'em theory is nice but what if that backfires?
then u have one heck of a dilemma on yer hands, no?
i mean it confirms some of yer worst fears. u ready for that?
most guys/gals aren't, as u can hear/read their denials here ad infinitem.

good luck n GOD bless u more than just materially.
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Old 09-03-2010, 11:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

Women HATE to be worshipped. Loved yes - worshipped NO. Keep it up and she will leave you/have an affair with a guy who acts AT LEAST like her equal and maybe her superior. Who shows her love in little careful doses so she WORKS hard at getting him to love her more.

You are acting like you are desperate for her approval and have no self respect. MASSIVE turn offs for a woman.


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Originally Posted by dsr1pwm View Post
We have been married for four years. Both of us have been married previously. We have her two teenager children who live with us. Both are fantastic kids.... We have a beautiful home, and I am able to provide financially very well for our family so that my wife does not have to work outside the home.

I adore my wife. I love her with all my heart. Truth is that I worship the ground she walks on. I have tried everything. I constantly tell her I love her, I used to send her flowers every week, buy her jewelry, clothes, or anything she wanted.

The problem? She doesnt tell me she loves me. Ever. Oh, she will say "I love you too", when I say "I love you" to her. Or she will say it at the end of a phone conversation, but never does she initiate it on her own, or show me affection. Never hugs me, never embraces me, never ever walks up to me to say: "I have been thinking of you, and wanted you to know I love you."

I am now over it. I have asked her over and over again to tell me, and she will say "I am sorry", but then nothing changes. I am now convinced that she is not in love with me, but will not tell me because of the security I provide for her and the children.

What can I do?
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

Agreed. I would HATE for my husband to pay that much attention - of THAT sort - to me. WAY too touchy feely. Back off. Get a life. Take care of her but don't be so clingy or needy. She'll be more attracted to you, when you back off.

btw, just because she doesn't reciprocate the way YOU do doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Read The Five Love Languages (I think that's the name) by Chapman(?). It will show you that you have one way of expressing love and she has another. Once you learn hers, you can start communicating and getting what YOU need.
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

That's a great point. Back off a little and use the time to look around for other evidence that she loves you. We all communicate differently. Maybe she thinks expressing love for you means getting stains out of your clothes, bringing you a cup of coffee, preparing meals you like, etc. My wife loves me but she's not going to run through fields of flowers barefoot with me or gaze longingly at me over a candlelit dinner. When she wants to express love for me, she might vacuum out my car or get my socks extra white. It might be just a light touch here and there or even teasing and tickling me. She has her language and I have mine. We say the same thing but in different ways.
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Old 09-04-2010, 07:13 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

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What happens if you just stop with the compliments, flowers, and ground worshiping? Not sure what her life was like before you but she might be used to having to work for any positive attention she received. I wouldn't treat her badly or be mean about it, but would just give her the opportunity of being romantic pursuer. It's possible that "love" to her is more about security and less about romance. You ARE supporting an unemployed woman and her two teenage kids. If the romantic/sexual thing is important to her and you quit casting the line, she'll swim over to your hook.
Well, I have stopped the flowers, and the compliments, and even saying "I love you" to her.........and it is almost as if she doesnt care......She is oblivious that I am hurt by all this
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Old 09-04-2010, 07:15 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
That's a great point. Back off a little and use the time to look around for other evidence that she loves you. We all communicate differently. Maybe she thinks expressing love for you means getting stains out of your clothes, bringing you a cup of coffee, preparing meals you like, etc. My wife loves me but she's not going to run through fields of flowers barefoot with me or gaze longingly at me over a candlelit dinner. When she wants to express love for me, she might vacuum out my car or get my socks extra white. It might be just a light touch here and there or even teasing and tickling me. She has her language and I have mine. We say the same thing but in different ways.
Good points, all..........
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Old 09-04-2010, 07:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife will Not tell me she Loves me....why?

Some people just aren't naturally affectionate, lovey-dovey people. Some people feel that the fact that they love you should be enough, feel that the fact that they married you and are there with you should prove to you that they love you.

And for some people that IS enough. Clearly, for you, it is not. You've tried two different methods to get her to show some love, both showering her with love and then essentially withdrawing all signs of it. Neither has worked.

I'd suggest talking to her next. Sit down and tell her how you feel: that you love her, but her complete lack of ever showing any affection, saying I love you unprompted, etc., makes you feel as though she may not feel the same. It's likely that even if she doesn't love you, she'll claim she does. If/when she does, ask her (as nicely as you can) how you should know that? Ask her for some examples of what she does/says that would indicate she loves you. If she can provide you with some real answers (as someone else said, maybe she thinks of cleaning out your car or bleaching your socks as a sign of affection), then you might just need to expand your vision of what love and affection should look like.

If she can't tell you what she says/does that should show love and affection, that's when you take it a step further and tell her that you work hard so she can stay home, and you provide for her and the kids, and you are beginning to feel that perhaps she doesn't love you and is only staying for the financial security. See what she says to that. Of course, she's not going to just come out and say, "gee, honey, you're right. I'll get a job and move out." But her reaction to that statement should tell you something. If it were me, and my boyfriend said he felt that way, he would hear a very vehement denial and an offer that I will get a job and take care of my own children to prove to him that I am in fact with him for love not money.

If none of that works, you could give counseling a try, but there will also come a point where you either just have to accept that this is how she is and live with it, or decide you can't live that way and move on.
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