Open minds ONLY - selfish husband has bred selfish wife
I am looking for opinions from open minded people such as myself. I am surely trying to avoid the religious aspect of this b/c that is not who I am and I tend to go against the flow of society. What is society to tell me how to live my life and what I should feel and what I should do? Certainly I have humanist values... of course we can't go out hurting people without consequence.
My marriage seems to have some issues, as all marriages do. My husband and I are trying to work these things out. I wish I could get into all the details on here, but that would be a book. I can only try to highlight the things that have brought me to this point.
Ever since before he and I were together I have wanted to be with two men at the same time. I briefly had the opportunity to do that when I was 18 but for some stupid reason I didn't do it. It's never been a secret to him that I've wanted to be in a MFM threesome. We've dabbled with it, but I've never fully gotten what I've sought. He has been fully immersed in FMF threesomes within our relationship. We've both enjoyed these very much and reaped the benefits once the other woman left (anyone who's done it knows what I'm talking about). It's been a long time since we've had anything like that and our sex life is dull again.
Our relationship has had some hardships along the way too. Sexually I've shut down with him. I refuse to ask him for sex for the fear of rejection which has plagued him for all of our time together. He always has the say so as to when we do it. I can't handle that anymore. I have finally quit asking for it and now he never knows when I want it and my want is waning too.
I am beginning to really see him as a selfish person. Our family life completely revolves around his hobbies. Hunting has always been his focal point, and this year he is on three softball teams, playing five days/week. He schedules his work around his softball schedule. 2/3 of his vacation this year is for him to hunt or play softball. When our daughter was born 11.5 years ago he was so happy to tell everyone that when she came into the world that he was going to take a week's vacation. He failed to even let me know that during that time he was going to hunt all day every day!!
We planned a family vacation a few years ago to Disney. We drove down, but hauled his motorcycle. We spent two days at Disney together with our five year old daughter, then on the third day he left to go to Daytona on his motorcycle with his buddy for a few days. There I was left at the park with our daughter. Did I have a say in this? No, he planned it all himself. So I had to navigate from Disney to a friends house in Georgia all by my lone self with a five year old, yay.
A buddy of his planned a bachelor party in Vegas for a weekend. Who the hell has a three day bachelor party in Las Vegas??!!! I was livid. He went. I never had a say.
Last year he planned a hunting trip for himself. Never asked me if I minded. A whole week he went with his buddies. He knew I was wearing thin so he tried to keep me busy all week, scheduled a massage for me, gave our daughter gift certificates to go to dinner together, tix to the movies.
Every year he completely submerges himself in hunting. When he's got something on his mind such as hunting or playing softball, he doesn't think about sex. If he doesn't think about sex, he doesn't want it. So for the past 13 years we have a good six months of the year and a bad six months (his good six months differs from my good six months)... six months over the summer when he works and thinks about sex and life is good (this year was the first for the complete submersion in softball). Then for the other six months of the year he is obsessed with hunting and doesn't think about me when he walks out that door to hunt. So our sex life suffers incredibly. He never asks to hunt, as I don't think he should... he's a grown man and should know better. But no matter how much I complained about him hunting, he still had no qualms about neglecting me, and even did it more, just so he wouldn't have to listen to me.
I compare his freedom of hunting to my desire for another man. Our sex life suffers b/c he's hunting. He's been incredibly selfish. He only thinks about himself. What about me? What about his family? No, he comes first and we get the sloppy seconds, whatever is left over. I'm tired of it. I want the threesome I've wanted since I've been 18. He's had his. He's had his everything... freedom to do whatever he pleases without a thought of me. I'm simply asking for permission to do what I've wanted for so long. And now I'm starting to feel like I deserve to spoil myself a little bit. He deprives me of sex to hunt, I'm going to go get some. He knows I'm falling apart. He is starting to see that I'm not going to put up with it forever and he needs to bend a lot to make up for the pain I've endured. I dont' think he should have to ask for permission to hunt or play ball. And I don't think that I should have to put my foot down and wag my finger at him, I'm not his mother, I'm supposed to be his equal, his wife. I think that he should be man enough to divvy out the right amount of time for me, for our family, and he can get whatever is left over for himself, as a HOBBY, not an obsession!
He begs to differ that hunting and sex are synonymous. My argument is that he hunts therefore I should be able to have sex. Hunting has always been "the other woman" in our relationship, taking his time and energy, and sex from me. He gets to hunt and do as he pleases regardless of what I think of it. Should I not be able to do as I please regardless of what he thinks about it? Has he not been that selfish?? Or am I just supposed to go on sexless while he's having the time of his life indulging his hobbies?
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