I've only been married a month but I wish I never did. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-07-2010, 03:39 PM Thread Starter
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I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

I got married a little over a month ago but I have wanted a divorce since about 3 days after the wedding. I actually tried to break off the engagement at least 3 times but she was so emotional and swore to me that she would do whatever it took to change so I believed her and then we got married.

My wife has some serious anger issues and will get very mad, to the point of screaming and cussing at me, and it seems to get more and more frequent. She will accuse me of things and say hurtful things to me when she is upset. If I do the same to her though, it will just elevate her rage.

When we first started dating I never saw this side of her, although years ago she dated a friend of mine and he told me he had to break up with her because she was always mad at him. I thought she had changed. Once we decided we wanted to be married, her anger started to surface. Small things would set her off and she would become very hostile, rude and aggressive. These mood swings would soon turn into her gritting her teeth, balling her hands into fists and using colorful language. We had a few talks about it and she apologized about it and described them as isolated incidents that would never happen again. The situation did not improve so I told her I wanted to end the relationship. She cried and begged me to give her another chance and that she would do everything in her power to change. These events continued to repeat themselves but each time she promised that this time would really be different and then gave me a guilt trip if I didnt believe her and have "faith" in her. I came to realize that repeatedly asking her to change was not working.

For some dumb reason I thought that if I reflected her anger back at her she would see how ugly it is and it might cause a change in her attitude. So every time she got angry, I decided to match her anger and volume or even exceed it. We then got into huge fights that consisted of extreme volume levels, finger-pointing, recalling past faults, name-calling, swearing and I even started punching inanimate objects out of anger. Needless to say, this method did not work. It just made hate the person I was turning into.

So I decided to try being more passive than ever. I started showing no signs of stress when she would try to provoke me to anger. When she would yell I would calmly try to persuade her to lower her voice. I tried to sit and speak in the most non threatening manner possible to get her to stop being angry so that we could communicate more effectively. This method also did nothing to curb her automatic response of anger toward any situation of which the outcome was not to her liking.

I have tried many times over the past 6 months to persuade her to join me for marriage counseling but she will adamantly refuse every time. One time she met with one of our religious leaders by herself but since then has made no effort to do anything like that again. Her reason for discontinuing those meetings were due to the fact that she "doesn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about our marriage." Once while she was admitting to having anger issues, she agreed to go look for some books that might help her change. We went to Barnes & Nobles and she picked out 2 books but since then has spent very little time with them because she claims she doesn't understand them or that they're of no interest to her. Its hard for me to believe that she wants to change when she makes no effort to try and understand the books or to get new books, or any other resource, that might help. I'd also like to note that the time she sought counseling and the time she got those books were immediately following me expressing that I wanted to leave her.

I am beyond frustrated with her. We fight around 2 times a week and in bad weeks up to 4 or 5 times. Every fight makes me feel less and less in love with her. She has already noticed that my desire to have sex with her, talk to her and spend time with her is gradually declining. I am constantly having to defend my every word and action because she takes offense to so many things, regardless of the fact that I don't ever do anything to intentionally upset her. Work can be stressful but I love my time at work because that is the one place she cannot be negative towards me. It is my escape from her which makes me not want to leave work at the end of the day.

I want to leave her. I have wanted to end this relationship for about 7 months now but she will not let me. One time she saw me packing my bags and she grabbed my stuff and threw it all over the house while screaming at me "you're not leaving me!" She is so full of rage and fury when she is angry that Im afraid to know what she'll do when I actually do leave her. I need to get away from her but I have no idea how to do it.

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-07-2010, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

Any advice, suggestions or insight is welcome. I've felt trapped for many months now.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-09-2010, 12:18 PM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

She is abusive. Does she work if so leave while she is at work to avoid the situation. If not then have the police and a friend show up (as a witness) so you can calmly get your things out. The cop will take care of her if she gets out of hand. Make sure she can not get your money. You may have to take a restraining order out against her. Have NOTHING to do with her after you leave, she sounds like she may be violent towards you, or she may try to accuse you of something to cause you to be arrested. Do not have any sex with her after you leave. She is desperate to hold on to you and may claim she is pregnant or may get pregnant to keep you in her life. Do not have any kids with this woman. See an attorney to end this marriage.
Please do not stay with her she is abusive and she will only get worse.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-09-2010, 02:12 PM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

Just resolve to leave and then follow through. As 4sure suggested, have a police officer there to ensure she can't get violent or interfere with your packing and leaving. I don't know that you would really need a friend as a witness, since you'll have the cop, but I'd have a friend or two come anyway, to help you pack and get out of there quicker. I'd probably start the process of filing so that you can serve her the same day you pack up and leave, one less time that you have to deal with her.

Don't talk to her about you leaving anymore. Don't listen to any more pleas, don't let her have an opportunity to try to tell you she's changed, or she will change, or she wants to change, or anything like that. Make up your mind that it's over and you're done and then stick to that.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-09-2010, 05:18 PM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

what is she so angry about?

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

Thank you so much, you guys. This weekend her rage and violence reached an all time high and I was attacked several times. Saturday I tried to call the police but she managed to keep knocking the phone away from me. Finally yesterday(Sunday) after she became violent with me again, I contacted the police and they showed up. They helped me to get my things packed and leave safely. Im now staying at a relative's house and I feel that I did the right thing.
Im struggling a little because I really do love her but I just cant take the abuse anymore. We've been in contact by phone and she said she has made an appointment to receive help for her anger. I told her that Im not even going to consider coming back until I hear from a professional directly that she has been going in and is making a lot of improvement. Is that too kind of me or am I being to harsh?
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 09:43 AM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

I don't believe you are being too harsh. I believe that you really do love this woman and want to try and make things work. It seems to me that the best thing for her is time to herself and seeking professional help. It may take months so be prepared for that. Whatever you do, stick to your guns. There is no reason for you, or anyone for that matter, to be in such an abusive relationship. I would also cut all contact with her until she has seen professional help and can prove it. This is sort of a motivator, if she truly wants help and wants to save your marriage. It may be hard not to talk to her, but the benefits are far better in the long run.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 09:48 AM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

My advice to you is to get a divorce as soon as possible. Thank God you don't have kids together.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 08:37 PM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

Wow reading your post really opened up my eyes. My wife does the exact same things. I tried everything.

At first she would just get angry and try to raise the level until i would snap and yell back at her - then should would claim i was violent so that i would have to apologize to her for *My* actions.

well I quickly learned not to let her get to me and now I just remain calm and try to not escalate the situation - well that didn't work either. She just gets more angrier and throws more fits.

I'm at the point where I don't really know what to do - unfortunately I have a son and I feel really bad that I've put him in the situation he's in.
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-13-2010, 10:46 PM
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Re: I've only been married a month but I wish I never did.

When a woman is being physically abusive, be VERY careful about contacting the police. Many police jurisdictions have a policy about arresting the primary aggressor. That means they arrest the man. Even if you have physical wounds resulting from attacks by a wife or female living in the house, calling the police results in arresting the victim. A wife can simply say "I felt threatened" and the husband is immediately taken to JAIL. Got that? Jail. And when the husband is languishing in jail, the abusive wife can do ANYTHING to your property, your assets, your kids. Government is looking after her interests... not the husband's, not the kid's.

If your wife is attacking you, you MUST use a camera or cell phone to actually record the incident or better yet, have witnesses - such as neighbors - to any violent incidents. In order to prevail, you must surveil.

In the entire United States there is only ONE shelter for men who are the victims of domestic violence.

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