How do you know if your spouse is cheating or not when.

studentnurse30 · 07-05-2008, 04:58 AM

How do I know is my husband is cheating or not! I can't tell you how many things have happened for me to think he's cheating on me! If I wrote all the things that have happened expecially in the past five years I would be late for work. I dont have much time to write all that I would like to say right now since I have to be to work and should be up and running around ASAP as it is but I've got to get this out, Im' getting awful chest pains lately from all this stress, I feel like crying all the time yet I put on a clown face because there are children involved.

I'm serious how do you know when your spouse is cheating, when all the signs are there but he wont admit to it! Has never been caught! Yesterdaywe spend the day at the beach with the kids, I found out two days prior to this my husband has a cell phone now which he never told me, lol...I don't even have the number to it, and he kept disapearing on me and the kids all day while we was there yesterday! I asked him about the cell phone and he said it was in the van, that he needs minutes for it, it was a phone that was given to him from his brother, and whatever, where in the van driving home, and I smacked his leg playing around with him and I felt something hard, sure enough It was the cell phone after he just told me it was not on him all day long and it was in the back of the van. He had it on him the whole time and when I said you ahve the cell phone on you he lies to my face as always and says I jsut got it out of the van, HELLO we've been driving, I've been driving anyways and haven't stopped the van since I asked him where the cell phone is? He plays head games with me like I'm supposed to be an idiot, course to him I am an idiot out of all the games he's played and the bs I've put up with all these years, course he's gonig to talk to me like that, what a fool I am.
What's the hardest for me is, is that we've got children together, and unfortunately my oldest son, who's 10 know's that things are not going good for mom and dad, kids aren't stupid, we were going to split up a while ago and when he was leaving, my spouse, My son started to cry, which naturally broke my heart, I started to cry and just told my husband to stay, not that I wanted him to because I'm so sick of all the crap. There's more I need to talk about and could realy use some help from this forum, so I'll post as soon as I can about this matter. Thanks for listening, WOW I'm extremely late for work If I don't move now.
Take care everyone.
Can you believe it's my birthday today and I'm 31 today! With cramps from PMS WOnderful.lol...and a huge sun burn. lol...

How do you move on after you say its over, do you know what I mean?!

justean · 07-05-2008, 05:51 AM

reading your mail, ok some ppl might disagree with me, i dont get back with my hubby for the sake of my children. thats why i think on that issue, it was the wrong way.
when my hubby and i split this year , we told our children why and what happened, yes they cried. but it did not continue and our children have been fine.
i think they got over it better than at times when we had split up and we did not tell them, because to me they seemed more stressed. ok children take it differently in different homes. so i can only say from my household.
but i continued to sit with my children and always left the communication book open. we asked the children what they wanted and it worked. we allowed them to help us make decisions.
the last time hubby and i split, the whole house was stressed. rows etc, to much uneven ground.
but this time the children knew why i was feeling low or down and angry. but those moments lifted far sooner
because my childrens actions were different.
as for the cheating, first hubby always at it.
affairs , lies.
ive have been with my 2nd hubby 13 years and i know for a fact that my ex still sleeps around now. so that has never stopped and it never will.
but with my ex, i suddenly just had a 6 sense, he had changed. things just changed. i couldnt tell u what it was. but it was a feeling that pulled me down. until i went to my mother. she told me to follow my heart - believe in that 6 sense. if you think hes at it, then he is she said.
that day 13 yrs ago i loaned £20 to fill my car and i followed him. i just played my own detective. i took the spare keys for his car and moved the car from one side of car park to another.
i searched the car. found long dark hair, mine was short. a jacket - not mine.
i waited in that car park for 5 hours. but i gave myself up to early.
never the less he was flustered. she worked with him in same place and he ws supposed to take her home, not expecting me.
at this point my hubby no 1 had actually left me 2 weeks earlier, ( did not know what he wanted) etc - all that cr--. he told me to go back home which was 30 minutes away.(obv so he could take her home) i told him no and followed him, (he denied an affair all the way to the end. ) im an hour away from home by this point.
we got to a house, he left the front door open , so i went in. he was in this 2 week "i dont know what i want ", actually living with her.
the house was disgusting. and even with their clothes all over the floor and her dirty underwear on the shabby unmade bed. he still denied the affair.
i just continued to ask and then eventually he just gave in and said yes. i was just relieved it was all over. i did not cry. my ex said to me at time . its ok you can cry - i said what over u, over my dead body.
i got up and left the house. got in my car. yes i cried then.
well it just made it easier to leave. i taken as much i had in the marriage n e way( he was violent) and the affair had been going for the last 6 months. looking back.

draconis · 07-11-2008, 12:53 AM

The first thing that sticks out in my head is the fact you decided to stay together for your child. The problem is there together or apart. As you mentioned he "knows" there is something wrong. Although he feared change living in a volitile situation isn't better.

As far as if he cheated or not that is a hard call. Very few cheater actually get caught.

We all know cheating is fairly common. About 25% of men and 20% of women in a relationship cheat at some time. Now keep in mind that these are the people that said they where in a monogamous relationship.

75% of people claim to have made a monogamous commitment to a single partner. It is important to note that while I consider cheating wrong it is within the context of a monogamous commitment. For those that have open relationships that are no exclusive I do not consider it to be cheating. Both parties know the facts. There isn’t lies or deceit involved.

A full 60% of those that cheat get away with it completely, while only 2% get caught in the act.

His behavior does seem a bit odd, that doesn't mean he is cheating however. The fact he had a cell phone and it slipped his mind does bring some red flags though. Further the fact that he kept leaving and seemed to have the phone on him after the beach is troubling.

I guess the question is do you think your husband is cheating? Has his sexual habits, sleeping habits etc changed? Does he come home late from work with no real explaination?

draconis

827Aug · 07-11-2008, 07:09 AM

Hi Studentnurse!

The phone thing is a BIG red flag. What else has been odd? I can tell you about my situation. Oh, and keep in mind my husband denies seeing any other women--STILL. I have found two receipts where my husband bought condoms. In addition, he left an empty condom box under my truck seat (borrowed my truck). He does a lot of text messaging; I now know he has two cell phones. I found he had a separate wardrobe on his boat. When he lived with me, he had "boat night" once a week; he wouldn't be home until midnight or so. Plus, every other weekend he went to his parents, but later they said they hadn't seen him in ages. His behavior changed and he blamed me for everything. He lost interest in our business. But the real kicker was all of the lying. The more he tried to cover up, the more he couldn't keep his stories straight. The lies got awful!

As for your other question about knowing when it is really over, I don't know. I'm struggling with that myself. I guess it depends on how much of the mess you're willing to take and weighing everything you'll be giving up. I'm seeing a counselor now for that very reason. Somehow I've got to find happiness.

Missy · 07-13-2008, 11:04 AM

Well it does sound like the signs are there. It also sounds like you have emotionally detached and really are just trying for the kids and trust me when I say you could hurt the kids more by staying then going.

I can see that you have questioned him and maybe even accused him of cheating which he denies. Have you tried simpler questions not related to cheating like

Where do you see our marriage
What do you think could make our marriage stronger?

Be prepared for any answer but I think get a feel for where he is at and make your decision. As hard as it is you will be doing yourself, him, and eventually the kids a favor.
--------------------------------------
Missy~
Parenting, Marriage, Relationships and More
tripleaytche.com