I have been with the love of my life for 10 years this august. We are not married for many reasons. We've talked about getting married and having children but both of us are a little afraid of the whole big thing so it hasn't happened yet, if it even ever will. I'm not 100% sure why we've stayed together. I've stayed because I am deeply in love with her. I think that's why she stayed too. I'm not sure though.
I hope no one here thinks less of me for not being married and joining this site and posting. I've been searching for advice on what I should do and I stumbled upon this forum and started reading & everyone here seems to be really supportive & gives great advice so I decided to join and see if I can't get any good points on what I should do in my situation.
Here's the situation: I found out this past Monday that my girlfriend has been having an affair with another man for the past two months. This absolutely crushed me & I didn't know what to do. Two months ago I noticed that she had become very distant from me (this was before the physical aspect of the affair happened) & I asked her to wait up to talk to me about it. We work different shifts, she works early a.m. & I just started a new job working afternoon to evening. When I came home she told me that she wanted me to leave. I asked if we could talk about it and try and work out whatever problems we have. She agreed but she still ended up going in to the arms of another man. This other man has a daughter from a past relationship and he also has a girlfriend that he lives with. That's pretty much the extent of what I know about him.
For the most part I am the reason she went to him. I realized (hopefully not too late) that I haven't been giving her the affection & love that she so much deserves. I've done & said horrible things to her, I've belittled/berated her. I didn't give her the space that people need. I didn't realize I was doing this until now. I've hurt her very badly & I want to make this all better. I am willing to forgive her for having the affair. I understand it completely. I pushed her into his arms.
I asked if she would go to counseling to try and make this better and she said she would. I really need to change the kind of person I am. I hope I am strong enough to do it. I love her dearly and I am willing to put forth my strongest effort to change for her. I just hope it isn't too late for us.
I've started to write in a journal that we will hopefully be sharing. She has had anxiety & depression issues due to a rough childhood, I've had some of the same issues. about 6-8 months ago she started taking an s.s.r.i.. She's always had problems talking about her problems to me & she usually just bottled things up which is part of the reason why things got this far. I wished that she could have talked to me about my behavior years ago so I could've started working on changing then. Since this all started two months ago she has weened herself off of the s.s.r.i. & is now trying to cope with the withdraw (which apparently takes anywhere from 30 to 180 days).
I've moved into a different room in the house so she can have her space. Unfortunately I've cried myself to sleep almost everyday since I left our room. No one wants a big cry baby as their strong man but this is hard. I am not a drug addict nor do I want to drink myself happy. I know that isn't the way to fix things. I did however start smoking again after two years of successfully having kicked the habit. I need to stop that again but I really don't know what to do. I haven't been able to eat very much and I've already lost 7lbs since Monday. We're going to try and find a counselor on Tuesday. I can't stand waiting for this hurt to go away. I feel so bad for what I've done and for what has happened and I really don't know what to do to cope.
Well this is a rather long summary so I'll leave it here. I'll try to keep this updated.
Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks
anotherconfusedfella
Last edited by anotherconfusedfella; 07-05-2008 at 09:12 AM.
Reason: I forgot to set the email notification
I think I've been overbearing and crowding her. She works in a grocery store and I went to pick up a few things and get an idea for dinner for us and she was really upset. She started crying while I was there so I said I was sorry, I love you and bye. She replied "Bye".
I really don't know what to do. How do you give space to someone you've been living with for the past 10 years and still live with?
I hope that with counseling at least we can figure out some of the simple things like this. More than that, I hope we make it to Tuesday to actually get into a councelors office.
I am so stressed and depressed and confused, I think I am going crazy.
I hope that talking to someone works out well for you. It sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do. It's great that you want to change, and are willing to take the steps required, which means you are probably able to change the things about yourself you want to, however; I think that your GF needs to change a few things also. It is NEVER alright to have an affair. She should have spoke to you about her problems instead of going to another man. The fact that you’re willing to forgive her is great, but it doesn't sound as though she's even apologizing. You sound like a good person; I hope that your GF realizes this and the two of you can work things out.
Hey here acfella. Welcome to the group (in the end marriage is really just a piece of paper (unless you're into some religious stuff i guess with some bearded white dude in the sky) to confirm what two people already know and to give you some tax cuts)... I don't know what kind of advice to give you - I'm sorry for what you're going through and that the pain really comes across.
Married or not, 10 years of commitment to another person is amazing. In any relationship, especially one that's been going on for so long, there will be ups and downs. And in that time-span, who hasn't said to themselves on occasion 'i think i'm going crazy'.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you pushed her into the arms of another person, there are always two sides. If she wasn't getting what she needed, she could have said something as well. Is she giving you any blame in all of this (justified or not)?
I am amazed that *you* are the one saying 'I feel so bad for what i've done'. She made a definite decision to go to another person...
The fact that you have both agreed to go to counseling is, imho, very positive, no matter what comes out of it. Talking is extremely important and only that way can you clear things up.
She does seem to need some time to herself to make some decisions, and you showing up at her place of work might not have been the best decision. Overbearing / crowding won't help the situation. Tuesday isn't that far away - you'll make it and hopefully have some clarity or direction after the appointment.
I hope that talking to someone works out well for you. It sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do. It's great that you want to change, and are willing to take the steps required, which means you are probably able to change the things about yourself you want to, however; I think that your GF needs to change a few things also. It is NEVER alright to have an affair. She should have spoke to you about her problems instead of going to another man. The fact that you’re willing to forgive her is great, but it doesn't sound as though she's even apologizing. You sound like a good person; I hope that your GF realizes this and the two of you can work things out.
I think we both have a lot of healing to do as well. I do so desperately want to change the kind of person I am. I have been working on myself for some time now, actually. It really does take a long time to change years of bad behavior and habits. Like I said I wish she would have talked to me, but she's always had trouble communicating especially when it comes to deep emotions.
You're right, she isn't apologizing for the act yet but she did apologize for hurting me. I don't exactly know what that means but for now I'll take it. It's better than nothing.
With all of this happening I've gotten back in touch with some old friends. They've all been very supportive of me and say the same thing you did, they tell me that I am a good person. It kind of hurts to hear that when I think about all the people I must have hurt along the way before I realized what I was doing and not doing in this case.
She said she will end the relationship with the other guy but it actually seems like she doesn't want to end things with this other guy, but she tells me she doesn't think she has a chance with him anyway. I tried to talk openly about her relationship with him and I tried to explain (from my point of view at least) that if this guy is in a relationship and is cheating that he is most likely going to continue to do it with her, even if she did end up with him. He is in the construction industry and I've worked in that area as well, and I know what those guys say and think about women.
I'm so lost and confused. I don't want her to hurt or get hurt anymore. I don't want me to hurt anymore. Man this is by far the toughest thing I've ever had to go through in life so far.
She said she will end the relationship with the other guy but it actually seems like she doesn't want to end things with this other guy, but she tells me she doesn't think she has a chance with him anyway. I tried to talk openly about her relationship with him and I tried to explain (from my point of view at least) that if this guy is in a relationship and is cheating that he is most likely going to continue to do it with her, even if she did end up with him. He is in the construction industry and I've worked in that area as well, and I know what those guys say and think about women.
acf[/quote]
You are willing to change your ways for her, and it sounds like she is only breaking it off with this other guy because it wont work out with him.
You shouldn't be offering her relationship advice on the situation with her lover. I think that you should be questioning her loyalty to you, and stop focusing only on what you've done wrong. I'm not saying that you've been a perfect partner, but she had NO RIGHT to cheat on you. She didn't even enlightened you on how she was feeling in order to resolve your issue. You need to stop being so hard on yourself, and work on gaining some self confidence.
You are willing to change your ways for her, and it sounds like she is only breaking it off with this other guy because it wont work out with him.
You shouldn't be offering her relationship advice on the situation with her lover. I think that you should be questioning her loyalty to you, and stop focusing only on what you've done wrong. I'm not saying that you've been a perfect partner, but she had NO RIGHT to cheat on you. She didn't even enlightened you on how she was feeling in order to resolve your issue. You need to stop being so hard on yourself, and work on gaining some self confidence.
I am questioning her loyalty to me, at the moment I'm not sure if I see any at all. If that is still the case after we are able to finally open up and talk about what is going on then so be it. I'll have to make a choice when I get there.
At the moment I'm in the middle of trying to negotiate interviews to get into a new job and the holiday and vacations of people at this company is making it difficult for communication with them. So all of this happening now is driving me mad. They say "when it rains it pours".
I know the other relationship might be a problem. I just hope that, if it is and if and when we go to counseling that maybe she will understand this finally and make a firm choice. As it is now, she basically has changed her mind probably 10 times on what she wants to do with all of this. I know it's hard for her. She's never made choices like this in her life. We've been together since she was just out of high school. I'm a few years older than she is. I've really made her out to be the bad guy here, and well she kind of is in this case, however I feel she is a good person inside who is just really really lost and confused right now ( about as much as I am ). This is really new territory for her and myself. Neither of us has been in a relationship this long. I wouldn't feel right leaving and finding out later that something bad happened to her in the state she is in ( she is currently going through the withdraw from an s.s.r.i.). I'm not sure if anyone here knows much about that, but from what I've read on the subject it can be a very scary and dangerous time and so far it has been a rollercoaster ride that I NEVER want to ride again.
All of this really escalated when she started taking the s.s.r.i.. That type of drug should be made illegal it does more harm than good & it didn't help her talk about her feelings anyway, it just made her numb to the pain of the choices. Sometimes I really despise modern medicine. If after all the withdraw and whatever counseling we go to she feels that this relationship isn't worth it then I guess I'll just have to go from there. In the mean time I'm just looking for people that can help me get through this and give me some good advice and so far I've found a few folks that are doing just that on the Internet and in the real world.
I'm going to do my best to give her some space and she hopefully will end this thing with the other guy regardless of her reasons.
I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for any of this, but honestly I have to own up to my part in the relationship. I really slacked off with maintaining things. I stopped doing the little things that make relationships worth while. I have many reasons, some legitimate some not. Nonetheless I was being overbearing, untrusting, and sometimes just downright mean. No one deserves to be treated that way. Especially someone you love. I have to do my best to be the strong one here. I'm really doubtful that she can do that right now. Both of us are somewhat emotionally immature I guess (I don't really know for sure, I'm kind of hoping a counselor can help clear that up) and have other deep rooted issues that we need to work on fixing. Working out problems is a lot easier when you have someone close helping you, or at the very least by your side. It helps to deter the feelings of loneliness that can arise in times of great stress.
I have had some counseling many years ago for a very brief time. The foundation of understanding that I learned from that has really helped me understand myself better (all be it I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes). For that reason I think counseling would do well for her and I together and possibly separately, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
By the way, her mood was much better when she arrived home from work today. She didn't seem upset at all. There is still quite a bit of obvious tension between us, but I hope that will pass with time and better self understanding & understanding of each other and our own needs.
Hey here acfella. Welcome to the group (in the end marriage is really just a piece of paper (unless you're into some religious stuff i guess with some bearded white dude in the sky) to confirm what two people already know and to give you some tax cuts)... I don't know what kind of advice to give you - I'm sorry for what you're going through and that the pain really comes across.
Married or not, 10 years of commitment to another person is amazing. In any relationship, especially one that's been going on for so long, there will be ups and downs. And in that time-span, who hasn't said to themselves on occasion 'i think i'm going crazy'.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you pushed her into the arms of another person, there are always two sides. If she wasn't getting what she needed, she could have said something as well. Is she giving you any blame in all of this (justified or not)?
I am amazed that *you* are the one saying 'I feel so bad for what i've done'. She made a definite decision to go to another person...
The fact that you have both agreed to go to counseling is, imho, very positive, no matter what comes out of it. Talking is extremely important and only that way can you clear things up.
She does seem to need some time to herself to make some decisions, and you showing up at her place of work might not have been the best decision. Overbearing / crowding won't help the situation. Tuesday isn't that far away - you'll make it and hopefully have some clarity or direction after the appointment.
Good luck and hang in there : )
Yes, she is giving me blame for the things I did. She is also blaming herself for not speaking up when something first happened, she just bottled up and kept quiet.
My best friend of over 20 years, aside from my SO, tells me in so many words, that I should just cut my losses and move on. I respect his opinion, and I've even thought that same thing myself within this last week, that's part of my confusion. It's only been less than one week since I found all of this was going on.
I really don't know what I should do. We had a pleasant evening tonight. We didn't argue and no one cried. I made her one of her favorite meals and served it to her. She's always really tired after work so I offered to draw her a hot bubble bath to which she politely declined. Then she napped for a bit, spent the next few hours alone in her room on her laptop and writing in our journal until she said goodnight to me, gave me a hug and went to bed.
After she was asleep I picked up the journal and read it. She seems to be very angry at me for the things I've done in the past (understandable). I sorely hope that we can work through this but as far as I can tell she still hasn't broken her ties with this other man. This can't be a good thing. How much time should I give her to do this? Should I just stop inquiring? It really doesn't show that she has any commitment to making our relationship work.
From a woman's perspective I would think that if after 10 years if my boyfriend had not asked me to marry him, I would take that to mean he didn't love me enough. I know you said you both have issues but maybe she let's you think she does not want to get married because she knows you don't. Think about why you have not given her the affection and love she deserves. Don't berate yourself anymore just try to find out why. It seems you really love her so you need to get to the root of this. Also make a commitment to change your attitude to a positive one no matter what. We control our attitudes and by bringing positive in a relationship you give her reason to stay. We stay with people because they make us feel good, so make a commitment today to make her feel good every day. Even if she sleeps in another room, it doesn't have to be physical. Say nice things to her, give her flowers, pack her lunch and put a note in it. Try to bring a smile to her face every day. If this relationship is worth it, you will have to be patient. But consider what the future will bring and what she deserves to have and if you are ready to make that commitment.
From a woman's perspective I would think that if after 10 years if my boyfriend had not asked me to marry him, I would take that to mean he didn't love me enough. I know you said you both have issues but maybe she let's you think she does not want to get married because she knows you don't. Think about why you have not given her the affection and love she deserves. Don't berate yourself anymore just try to find out why. It seems you really love her so you need to get to the root of this. Also make a commitment to change your attitude to a positive one no matter what. We control our attitudes and by bringing positive in a relationship you give her reason to stay. We stay with people because they make us feel good, so make a commitment today to make her feel good every day. Even if she sleeps in another room, itdoesn't have to be physical. Say nice things to her, give her flowers, pack her lunch and put a note in it. Try to bring a smile to her face every day. If this relationship is worth it, you will have to be patient. But consider what the future will bring and what she deserves to have and if you are ready to make that commitment.
All of your advice is great and I am trying to make that commitment to make her feel good. Right now she says she wants space. It's difficult for me to know what to do. She seems to get irritated, at times, when I do things like make little notes for her and make her meals and say nice things to her. How can I be close to her if she says she wants to have space & time away from me?
Two nights ago she was in the mood for popcorn so that night after she went to bed I went out, bought a bag of popcorn and a rose. I wrote her a note with some info on counseling I found on the internet and left all of these in her car for the next morning. Her reaction was to get angry and peel her tires out when she pulled out of the driveway for work. Later she wrote in the journal "it was nice though I felt kinda angry". We had a little bit of an argument earlier that night. Maybe it was a bigger argument than I thought. I don't know. I'm really having a hard time understanding everything right now, and I'm realizing that I must not have understood things in the past either.
I did ask her to get married to me several years ago. She was very evasive and hesitant about the whole thing so I tried to back off and just talk about the idea of getting married and just marriage in gerneral every now and then so I could get her view point on it. In time she came to tell me that she didn't want some big wedding and she was unsure about her family when it came to having a reception. In particular almost her entire family are alcoholics ( she hardly ever drinks any alcohol ) so she was worried what might happen at that. I told her we could have a dry reception (it's just one less cost anyway) it's no big deal. In more recent times we had decided that if we do get married we might just go to the local court house and get married there with pretty much no ceremony and no reception. She always just seemed unsure about the idea of marriage. This actually kind of hurt me, but I've stayed by her side trying not to force the idea of marriage but to keep an open discussion on it with her waiting to see if maybe one day she might be all for it. Maybe that's one thing I did wrong. If she was unsure of marriage perhaps I should've dropped the whole thing on the spot and never brought it up again.
Last night she let me sleep in bed with her. I couldn't tell if she was upset about this or not although she actually said goodbye to me this morning. I guess that's a good sign. Isn't it? The confusion here is since this started she's told me (in the journal) that she does things for people to be nice, not because it's what she wants. So I can't tell if she actually wanted me to sleep in bed with her or if she felt bad for me and let me in just to make me feel better. I don't want her to do things for me to make me feel better, I've told her this. I want her to do what makes her happy. I want to be close to her but I also want her to want to be close to me.
I definitely am going to have to muster up every ounce of patience I can find through this. I'm hoping that when/if counseling does happen we can get through some of these underlying issues that are evading me.
If she hasn't cut things off with the other man, then she is NOT committed to your relationship. I hate to sound mean, but you need to stand up for yourself and demand that she cuts things off, otherwise you should move on. She is having her cake and eating it too. She has a life with you, and a lover on the side?? and your still trying to think about what's best for her, and do extra nice things for her??? You need to think about yourself first. Yes you made mistakes, but now that you are aware of your issues you want to deal with them. She isn't dealing ........ she stalling, which is a total slap in your face, and a loud way of saying she is not 100% committed to you. She needs to stop being a victim and start acting like an adult. She is VERY selfish in my opinon
Confused beyond belief
