kathrab2009

I am in my second marriage my first was happy for fourteen years until we grew apart I ended it as I found out he was cheating. I have two beautiful children now aged 8 and 5. I met my second Husband four months after splitting with my ex on first appearance we seemed well matched. He had two kids same age as mine was in process of sorting split from ex and made me laugh was charming etc.
Six weeks into meeting him the ex Partner who he told me he was in the process of splitting with when I met him, accused him of assaulting her he had more marks and denied it he asked me if he could stay with me as was not allowed back to his house even to collect his things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took him in. We had been getting on really well and I did not want to judge too quickly like i prob did before. Turns out that day he had gone to his old house slept with his ex then had messages off me so she hit him he pushed her away.

He went to court the judge convicted him with min fine i think he thought he was a cad so even if he had more injuries than her he deserved conviction. I now know his ex did not know they had finished he told her he was just going out with the boys golfing etc She obviously hated me with good reason as he had portrayed me as leading him astray as for me he said he was confused and i forgave him. After the trial he nearly lost his job and his ex would not let him see his two kids who were the same ages as mine 3 and 5 at the time. He struggled terribly had ocd which really set in worse i and my children tipped toed around the house excusing it as stress through not seeing his kids. I caught him kissing someone in a night club again excuse was confused I forgave him. I let him live in my house rent free for six months to help him pay his legal fees. He said he could not have anything to do with my kids and would not go out with us as he felt guilt over not seeing his.

I got pregnant the ocd was terrible the mood swings were terrible as he wanted to go out on a sat and leave me at home pregnant on my own i was terrified he would cheat as he cheated before. About three times he did go leaving me upset with evenings of terror as to what was happening i asked him to leave he never would and would be sorry and i would forgive him my confidence and self esteem deteriorated. There was a message on facebook from a girl i knew her asked her if anything happened between them she said no but he said he was single he said she was lying. He went to his ex house and would lie where he was going even though i had told him i did not mind him seeing his kids.
He went out for the day with his ex and the kids as he said it was the only way he could see them came back and told me he would have to probably leave to see his kids he didnt. I found a letter in his car to his ex he was hiding his car keys and i had to sneak out at 5 am to find it, he passed it off as only thinking of sending it to see kids said in letter he missed spending time with her and kids. I found kisses on t to her and from her eight to nine phone calls a day. His ex rung him one day said he could not see the kids any more i suspect it was because he had not left me like he promised her.

I found work but it was self employed and i struggled to earn commission. He was only giving me £450 per month towards the £1900 a month bills as he said it was all he could afford despite earning £1750 a month and his only outgoings were £418 child maintenance. Afer i lost my job he gave me £650 per month still not half the bills he said why should i pay for your children we were married and i was eight months pregnant with his child. He still did not bother with my kids bearly saying hello saying he missed his he would not go to court as they appointed caff cass to look at him as a father to decide custody. i could not go anywhere on my own with my kids even to kids places or he would retaliate by going out. I bled with the baby he was in a meeting at work but did not come to the hospital during arguments he told me to abort that piece of **** in my stomach and he would take half the equity in my house.He did not go out but was moody had awful ocd and would hardly interact with kids. I ended up having the baby by emergency cesarian he was there and seemed to respond well to the baby i was so encouraged he said it was the turning point. Four days after being home he said he needed to leave it was not for him he did not but whilst on paternity leave he shouted at me over a phone bill calling me a useless f twat i was crying the health visitor turned up while i was up stairs he said to her i was suffering post natal depression and was increasingly unpredictable. Lucky she knew me and she called social services in to look at his role with my children he cried to them said he found it difficult as not seeing his own kids. I could have dropped him in it completely mentioning the times he said within earshot of my kids that they should f tidy up after them selves after leaving a coat on the stairs or that my little girl is eating again and i will give her diabetes she is 5. He did not feed the baby or change him or do anything really. The arguments between us were awful. I had to sell my house i had lived in for the past ten years he tried to get half the equity saying he painted it which he had but he had fourty thousand pounds in the bank i had nothing only fourty equity and i ran up thirty thousand debts being un employed when he would not pay. One day i came home and found out he had rented a house the reciept was in his wallet he said it was incase i threw him out he was not going to live there his ex let him start seeing the kids i said was it because you said you had split with me a lie he said no. One day he asked me to meet the kids said it was ok with his ex i was excited thinking this is the breakthrough we need as he has prtrayed all his issues as being due to not seeing his kids. The meeting was followed by a distraught phone call from his ex to him he had not told her i was meeting them to my disgust and proceeded to tell her i was only there as the baby's mother it hurt so much. I and my children moved to a rented house six months ago i had hardly any money from the house sale he still has his 40k in the bank he had his house but stays at mine all time i do his washing he buys the occassional bit of food he does not give me a penny he says he pays too much on his house and child support on his kids he gives nothing for the baby. He claims a discount from child support for my children saying he buys things for them he does not I now realise thats why he buys the odd bit of food to get that discount. He insisted his ex had not been told we split.

I wanted to give him a chance to see if seeing the kids would make any difference but with safety of me having my own house. We have tried to work on things he did not go out over the last six months but had a tantrum couple of times over it i said i dont mind you playing golf with your friends watching a game etc but i dont want you night clubbing he moans saying his friends dont do those kind of things and he will loose touch he has played golf before with them and does not ask them. He goes to the gym three or four nights a week four pm to seven pm. His ex now lets me see the kids with him on a sat they love playing with me and the baby. They met my kids and get on well. I have my kids mon thurs and fri i asked him to do something with me and my kids on a friday even if its just going to the park he has not gone to the gym on the odd friday has dinner with us talks a bit to kids but then cuts the grass etc i want him to play ball with them etc i told him that but he does not do it. He says i should ask for kids on a sat when he has his as he is stressed out with work on a friday but i see it as an excuse to not have to interact with mine. We took all the kids on holiday four weeks ago he asked if he could move back in with me before we went as he loves me i said not until i see the relationship develop with my kids i play with yours give them all my attention sat's i want the same for mine he said i wont be on a test and got funny about it. I said as a mother i need to protect my kids and i want to see it. On holiday he did help with the kids but was moody a few times once because he was hot and i did not know where the supermarket was he called me a useless f in front of all the kids.We were supposed to pay half on everything but i ended up spending more as he was so tight and i felt sorry for the kids. I came back feeling low, he asked me if i wanted to go away the second week just us and the baby as my kids were on holiday i said yes but you will have to pay i wanted to go just to have some peace and make him spend some of the money he would not pay on the kids.


We are now at the point his rental house is up for renewal he is pushing to buy a house I said I cant afford the deposit which I cant and am unsure about us he has 40 k in the bank.

My week with him is basically he gets up gets himself sorted no one else even on the days i work. He goes to work and expects to come home to a clean house. He goes to the gym at least mondays tues and thurs 4pm-7pm i have my kids mondays thurs and fri. When he gets home from the gym he does not help with the kids at all on the nights i have all three i bathe and put them all to bed on my own he works on his computer or watches tv we then eat dinner watch tv and go to bed. On a friday he comes home does work on his computer eats his dinner asks the kids a couple of things cuts the grass washes the cars watches tv. Sat we pick up his kids take them out cook food i play with them while he cooks or watches tv. I work at least two days a week my sister watches the baby i pay her i am self employed having to pay all my household bills without any help and i struggle. My self confidence has gone i struggle to ring clients even facing someone telling me no is hard. He says i rather spend time on e-bay and i dont work hard enough.

I dont go anywhere unless he suggests going to the golf range for example. I used to be a member of a gym where my kids had classes too and played they loved and asked if we can rejoin and i could chat to people but as my ex is there he says i can join but he will then go out every weekend. So me and the kids just go for walks or sit at home. I am lonely.

Last week on the last day of the school holidays i took the kids to a theme park we had a ball he was working we had not done it in so long and laughed so much. I came home telling him the funny stories but he walked off not wanting to know he said he did not find the stories funny. He has been moody again snappy with the kids the last few days he goes from ok to unhappy. I had my palm read last week he asked if they said I was controlling??
I said to him he does not seem very happy he said work is very stressful i said you need to find a way to leave it behind when you are at home he said its not that easy. Friday eve came again he was moody he said he was bored went to the shop twice said will the kids have finished their film by 7 I want to watch the rugby the kids and i went in the garden and played he watched tv. He cheered up sat when his kids came over he said i just need to do more to be happy more competitive sport I said you said you needed the gym to wind down now its something else (he is 37 with a hip injury). I said I feel like you are never going to be happy.He said is it ok if I go out for a pint with a friend from work Friday i will be back about seven ish(the friend is someone i have never heard of him mixing with or talking to bar two tel conversations recently) and its the kids night. If I kick up a fuss he will say he cant even do that I dont trust him as far as I can throw him and I feel that the kids night needs to be sorted. Overall I feel deep down this will never work he has no real interest in my kids even his own he thinks only of himself (even forgot my birthday and our wedding anniversary).
He will break his heart if i leave he says he loves me I think he believes that but the selfishness is ingrained in him he will say he left his ex and kids for me and he will have nothing now having lost touch with his friends. I look at him and I do love him god knows why but I think it comes from the basis of me trying to fix him too. We do have times when we laugh but I struggle with his need to always want more and his lack of care for me and the kids. I dont mind him going to the gym I dont want him going out drinking and more than anything I want him involved in the kids lives and helping me. He has offered to take the baby out in the car but I feel as he has no interest in him in house occassionally will let him climb over him on floor. I feel he needs to play with him in the house. I know the kids will be happier without him here and i probably will i just hate hurting anyone.I am now at a point where I am wondering if it will ever get better. Am I asking for too much I want a Husband who mucks in changes the baby feeds him plays with my kids has a close relationship with them and we do things as a family. He stated he needed to go to the gym for a release from work so I overlooked that now he says he is bored and needs to play some competitive sports I feel he spends no time with us already.He says no Step Father will ever be the way I want he does more than most! Am I asking too much?

Chris Taylor

Sorry, I didn't read your entire post but this is the gist that I got...

He's keeping you around for food and rent but keeping you in the background so he can get along with his ex to see the kids. He isn't emotionally invested in you and probably will never be.

You should make a clean break from him. You can do better.

turnera

Good grief. You are being USED.

Kick him to the curb. And sue him for child support.

Uptown

Kath, saying that your H is "selfish" would be an understatement. What you are describing is a man who has strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I notice that you were able to identify with some aspects of my description of a person having strong traits of BPD in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety...tml#post179253. Both NPDers and BPDers share some traits. One is that they typically have an arrested emotional development, leaving them with the emotional development of a four year old. That is believed to be caused partly by heredity and partly by an injury to their emotional core occurring before age five. Other common traits are their narcissism, fear of attachment, and fear of engulfment, which occurs during intimacy. The fear of attachment, for example, seems to show up in your H's treatment of your children (his step kids) as strangers.

On the other hand, there are important differences between BPD and NPD traits. Whereas BPDers are very unstable, NPDers are stable. Moreover, whereas BPDers usually are caring, NPDers are not -- although they often do a good job at pretending to be caring. If you would like to read more about folks having strong NPD traits, I suggest you read Shari Schreiber's description at GettinBetter.com's NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY FORUM.

I encourage you to read about NPD because, if your H has strong traits of it, it is easy for anyone living with such a person to recognize the traits. It is easy because all emotionally healthy adults have all of the NPD traits, albeit at a low level. Not surprisingly, NPDers have the same basic set of human emotions and primitive defense mechanisms that the rest of us have. So the traits should sound immediately familiar to you when you read about them. Identifying the traits, then, should be easy.

What is difficult is determining whether those traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having NPD." More difficult still is knowing how to treat NPD (in the rare event an NPDer should actually seek treatment). Hence, only professionals can diagnose and treat the disorder. Significantly, I am not a professional. Rather, I am only a man who lived for 15 years with a BPDer. Based on that experience, I agree with the other posters who told you that living with this man likely is seriously damaging not only to you but also your children. Please take care, Kath.