General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
First off, I'd like to say hello. I am glad these forums are here, they look like they do a lot of good for people in rough waters.
Anyhow, I have an issue that I am going through and I don't know what to do. My wife and I are going through a rough patch, but I know that it is more than that. We have been together for 6 years and married for 2 1/2 and I just do not think that I am happy anymore. I feel that we have grown apart and I feel that it is most likely my fault for not bringing the issues that I've had to the table sooner.
I have been pretty stressed out over the past 6 months. We argue much more than I think that we should. We do not share the same interests at all. (I though that was not a big deal in the beginning, but it is proving to be an issue now.) It is like we are the exact opposite.
As trivial as this sounds, I have not been able to do anything that I really want to do, like going out with friends. She gets very aggravated when I want to do something without her and quite frankly, it annoys me because I do not say anything when she wants to do what she wants. I think it is a great idea to go out separately sometimes. We do not have the intimacy factor and I think that it is my fault. She wants to and I don't. How weird is that? I mean, I have never had an affair and I am not cheating, so I am not intimate with anyone else...I just don't get it. She is a little lazy and it annoys me when our house is mess and I always wind up cleaning it by myself. Granted, she told me in the beginning that she didn't like to clean, but I thought: Who does? However, I didn't think that she meant that she wasn't going to. Again, that sounds like little stuff, but after a while, it really can get to you. It just seems like everything annoys me now and when we have an argument, I really just don't care. I say or do whatever I have to to remedy the situation and for it to be over, but I think that years of that has finally taken its toll. I know that this is not healthy, but I thought I was doing good for our relationship. There are more issues, but I will not type them all out right now. I do not do anything that I like to do anymore, like draw, write, play the guitar. or anything. And, I am not saying I am a saint, I am sure that she has some issues with me, but she doesn't want a separation and it breaks my heart to see her hurt. Perhaps, that is why I haven't brought up my feelings sooner.
I love my wife with all of my heart, but my heart does not seem to be in it anymore and I don't know what to do. This past week has been hell because I started bringing this stuff up and it is getting pretty serious.
I don't know, as much as it pains me to say it, I think that it is our marriage is over. I don't know if there is anyway to salvage the marriage. There is a part of me that does and, again I hate to say it, a bigger part that wants to separate.
Well, if you made it this far, thanks! I hope that made some sort of sense, but the rambles are indicative of my thoughts, everywhere and scattered. I would certainly appreciate and all help/advice that any of you have. Thank you in advance for all of your replies.
Sounds like to me you are burnt out. Maybe a separation will do both of you some good. I believe when you are married you need to take the other into consideration, but you can't sacrifice yourself. I also believe if there is any love there you need to do all you can to work on it. Only when you can honestly say I don't love my spouse is when it is time to go. It is ok to not love someone. I divorced many years ago and I can tell you I hated that man with a passion. I did all I could do. I felt smothered, a death within my spirit. I had to go to save myself, if that makes sense. Some people can suck the life right out of you.
You say she doesn't want a separation, but what do you want?
Good luck in making the right choice for you.
Sounds like to me you are burnt out. Maybe a separation will do both of you some good. I believe when you are married you need to take the other into consideration, but you can't sacrifice yourself. I also believe if there is any love there you need to do all you can to work on it. Only when you can honestly say I don't love my spouse is when it is time to go. It is ok to not love someone. I divorced many years ago and I can tell you I hated that man with a passion. I did all I could do. I felt smothered, a death within my spirit. I had to go to save myself, if that makes sense. Some people can suck the life right out of you.
You say she doesn't want a separation, but what do you want?
Good luck in making the right choice for you.
Thanks for the reply and input! At times I do feel smothered, burned out and I feel that I am not myself. People around me that have known me the longest say the same thing. I do want a separation. I think that I need some time alone. It just stinks. I know that she will be devastated.
Jim i think you can work through these problems you're having. I was the same way with my H. i smothered him and gave him a major guilt trip for wanting to do things without me. He also had a hard time standing up to me. a lot of resentment grew on both our parts and we argued all the time. Then we started doing a boundary book together called Boundaries in Marriage by dr. cloud and townsend. its a very constructive way to discuss, not argue, how both of you are feeling.
keep in mind there's no quick fix. it took you six years to dig this hole and it'll take you another six years to dig out of it. boundary books will open up a discussion that will likely get worse before it gets better. make sure you dont give up. you're both really angry. she is going to be very angry that you also have a say in things. dont let that discourage you. let her freak out but keep doing the book. do one chapter once a week. get the workbook and you write her answers and she can write your answers. keep trying to do the boundary book together, but take a break if one or both of you gets too angry. it took my H and I a year to get through half the book. we had to stop often because I would get so angry. we still have not finished the whole thing.
Whether you are "happy" are not largely depends on your own state of mind. You can choose to focus on the negatives in your life or on the positive. Your wife is a bit of a slob, but I suspect she has other great qualities. Perhaps rather than "happiness" you might strive for contentment. You're under unusual stress at the moment and much of that may have nothing to do with her. It might not be the best time to make life-altering decisions.
I haven't read anything in your post that suggests you'd be better off without this woman in your life. Considering the challenges that some marriages go through, a little clutter seems pretty manageable. You could have a pristine home with a cheating or controlling wife. I'd rather pick up clutter. The issue of going out with friends sounds like an easy fix. She's probably more insecure than usual right now because you've been withholding affection and sex. Take care of that and she might not be as clingy. If the tables were reversed and she kept pushing you away and wanted to go out without you, you'd naturally fear she was looking for someone else. If she felt more secure in the relationship she probably would be more likely to "let" you occasionally visit your friends without pitching a hissy. Once you're taking care of your obligations as a husband, if you want to go out with friends, be nice about it, but just go. Most of the prisons we find ourselves in, we construct ourself. If she gets pissed, the world will still turn. Naturally, in fairness, you ought to take her out occasionally, too, and behave responsibly when you do go out without her.
Thank you everyone for the input and advice. I read through everything and I agree with it! We both have our problems, but we are married and got married for a reason...we love each other and we want to spend our lives together. So, we have to work everything out. It is our duty to one another. I should have brought this stuff up in the past or when it was going on. I know that it is not healthy to hold things in, yet I did it anyways for argument's sake. I don't like it, so I just went along with it.
We talked it out all day and most of the night yesterday, putting everything on the table. When was all said and done, I still love my wife and a hurried, impulsive and life altering decision, like a separation, should not be made under such circumstances. I could not picture my life without her and I realized that more than ever yesterday. I feel horrible for making her feel the way she felt this past week and you are not supposed to do that to the person that you love. I have to work on my communication skills so that will not happen again. I would not be better off without her in my life. In fact, I am 100% sure that I would be caught in a downward spiral. I think that I mentioned that we the exact opposite, but I guess that is what keeps us grounded .
Anyhow, I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read through my post and replying with some really great thoughts, input and advice.
I Don't Think That I Am Happy, What Do I Do? 
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