General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi there, I'm new to this forum and really despairing at the moment.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We're 31. Our relationship as a whole has had, I would like to think, more ups than downs.
When we have our bad patches, it's usually down to personality differences. He is generally pretty laid-back while I stress and get upset by things; he is happy to take it easy while I like to have goals and get things done. I usually like to think that we level each other out in this way - I get jobs done and he stops me from going mental in the process! I do quite often get annoyed with his laziness, though, and he with my stress.
Before we got married, we both said we probably didn't want kids. However, people change and around 18 months ago we started talking about the possibility. I should stress that there was definitely no coercion on either side! We started talking about it more seriously, and when looking at flats to buy last year, my husband was very adamant that we should make sure there was space for a child.
Once we'd agreed what we wanted I pretty much threw myself into it. We got the child-friendly flat, I weaned myself off the anti-depressants I'd been taking for 15 years (!) for anxiety and depression and started CBT instead, stopped taking the pill, started the folic acid, cut down on alcohol - and stopped looking for new jobs on the basis that I should stay in my present one for the enhanced maternity benefits. I've also taken on a lot of overtime to get us in better shape financially and allow us to decorate the flat. Basically, an awful lot of what I've done over the past year has been with the end goal of having a child in mind. (Maybe the problem is that I'm too obsessive.)
Anyway, this evening my husband got home from the pub and announced that he's realised he doesn't want to have a kid - definitely not at the moment, and maybe never. He says that he doesn't want his life to be a mass of chores and responsibilities, and that he's worried he would resent a kid and so be a bad father. He said that he has been secretly relieved every time my period came, and he'd only been going along with the idea of having a kid because he thought it would make me happy. He says he still loves me and he doesn't want a child to get in the way of that.
I know he has the right to change his mind, but I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I just don't know whether this is something we can compromise on either way. I almost wish that I had gotten pregnant and he would just be forced to get on with it (I know that's an awful thing to say but I'm so upset now). I'm wondering whether this is something he might change his mind about again, or whether I might, or whether I really don't have the time, biologically, to hang around and find out. I love my husband, but I don't want either of us to resent each other.
Any advice or similar scenarios would be very gratefully read - I just don't know what to think at the moment. x
I feel your pain, though in my situation we had agreed on 2 kids because I really really wanted them, then he changed his mind after the first one, leaving me floored and unsure what to do. I have a loooong post about it.
If you now really want children, you'll have to ask yourself what you'd regret more - not having kids, or leaving your husband. Maybe there's a way to work it out and really talk about his concerns and try to put them to rest.
Is it just me, or do a lot of men fear the responsibilities, etc and stall because of that? Usually what happens is that they fall completely in love with their child and after an adjustment period, they GROW UP and become a father. Most of them say after the fact that they can't imagine life without their kids, and have never regretted having them.
If your hubby was at the pub listening to other guys complain, maybe you can find some men who love being fathers to tell him what a joy it can be.
I feel for both of you. It's tough for him if, going into the relationship, he was expecting no children as that's what you both seemed to agree on. As you mentioned, people change, so it's tough for you as you now want them. I was certainly like your husband - my wife desperately wanted a baby and I was not even close to being ready. Well, we had a "surprise" and she was ecstatic, I was depressed (I was actually a jerk and very unsupportive/selfish). I now have three children and each and every one of them is my absolute life. I couldn't imagine life without them (see above from AllTornUp) and they each make me so, so happy. I don't think any man (or woman?) is really ever "ready" for a child - it's a lifetime undertaking. I'm not sure when I would have been, but for me I got forced into it and now I'm grateful. In no way am I suggesting you force your husband in to it (!), but I do want to point out that there are success stories for people like you. I've often thought about writing a book geared for men like me - scared and "not ready yet" for the children but, when they do come, love them absolutely unconditionally. Wishing you both the best of luck.
I found this post searching for help on the internet...I could've written it myself. So I'm wondering...what happened? Is there ever a happy ending to this story? Right now it's impossible to imagine anything but (more) heartbreak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wotcha
Hi there, I'm new to this forum and really despairing at the moment.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. We're 31. Our relationship as a whole has had, I would like to think, more ups than downs.
When we have our bad patches, it's usually down to personality differences. He is generally pretty laid-back while I stress and get upset by things; he is happy to take it easy while I like to have goals and get things done. I usually like to think that we level each other out in this way - I get jobs done and he stops me from going mental in the process! I do quite often get annoyed with his laziness, though, and he with my stress.
Before we got married, we both said we probably didn't want kids. However, people change and around 18 months ago we started talking about the possibility. I should stress that there was definitely no coercion on either side! We started talking about it more seriously, and when looking at flats to buy last year, my husband was very adamant that we should make sure there was space for a child.
Once we'd agreed what we wanted I pretty much threw myself into it. We got the child-friendly flat, I weaned myself off the anti-depressants I'd been taking for 15 years (!) for anxiety and depression and started CBT instead, stopped taking the pill, started the folic acid, cut down on alcohol - and stopped looking for new jobs on the basis that I should stay in my present one for the enhanced maternity benefits. I've also taken on a lot of overtime to get us in better shape financially and allow us to decorate the flat. Basically, an awful lot of what I've done over the past year has been with the end goal of having a child in mind. (Maybe the problem is that I'm too obsessive.)
Anyway, this evening my husband got home from the pub and announced that he's realised he doesn't want to have a kid - definitely not at the moment, and maybe never. He says that he doesn't want his life to be a mass of chores and responsibilities, and that he's worried he would resent a kid and so be a bad father. He said that he has been secretly relieved every time my period came, and he'd only been going along with the idea of having a kid because he thought it would make me happy. He says he still loves me and he doesn't want a child to get in the way of that.
I know he has the right to change his mind, but I feel like the rug has been pulled from under me. I just don't know whether this is something we can compromise on either way. I almost wish that I had gotten pregnant and he would just be forced to get on with it (I know that's an awful thing to say but I'm so upset now). I'm wondering whether this is something he might change his mind about again, or whether I might, or whether I really don't have the time, biologically, to hang around and find out. I love my husband, but I don't want either of us to resent each other.
Any advice or similar scenarios would be very gratefully read - I just don't know what to think at the moment. x
We started talking about it more seriously, and when looking at flats to buy last year, my husband was very adamant that we should make sure there was space for a child.
he's realised he doesn't want to have a kid - definitely not at the moment, and maybe never. He says that he doesn't want his life to be a mass of chores and responsibilities, and that he's worried he would resent a kid and so be a bad father. He said that he has been secretly relieved every time my period came, and he'd only been going along with the idea of having a kid because he thought it would make me happy.
Personally, I consider this more than a mere change of mind. I consider this dishonest. From what you say, he was "very adamant" that there should be space for a child when you looked for a permanent home.
Now he's telling you he was relieved when you didn't get your period.
Excuse me, but HUH???
If what you say is the absolute truth, then he didn't change his mind, he simply tried to humor you through this by going along for the ride.
JMO, but I'd be pretty floored by someone who would mislead me to this extent over something I considered so important. Sure, people change their minds, but it sounds like he was misleading you.
Do you still want children? If so, I'd seriously consider rethinking your marriage. You are still young. If he doesn't have it in him to be a father, fine. But I find his lack of upfront honesty disconcerting, to say the least.
My husband did something like this too. We talked about having kids before we were married. He said he would have loved to have one within 2 years. Weeks into the marriage he told me he would rather not have any and if we did, it would be 5-10 years down the road. He wants to buy another motorcycle, soup up his car, and take care of debts. Taking care of debts is a valid reason which is why I'm not so upset about it because it's reasonable and smart....I have debts as well. I just wish he didn't lead me on about the kids thing. Having them in 5 years is ok though but why he had to get me all excited about it, I don't know. I told him he shouldn't have led me on and he's convinced that he didn't. The idiot. Anyway, I'm not sweating it. Kids will happen when they happen
I think it is normal for a man to become nervous and apprehensive about such drastic changes as having a child. I know my husband took the idea of a child very seriously, and every time (we have 3) felt it was a huge responsibility and a weight on his shoulders. He was also the type to worry about pregnancy affecting me physically or emotionally, worried about the safety of birth in general and homebirth specifically, and so on. I didn't know how much it affected him until I was one week away from giving birth to the 3rd baby. He kept it all inside, and quite well hidden. He is not a talker, so when he shared this, I was quite surprised. I know he must have been really affected, as the timing of the conversation wasn't that great--a week from the due date is not the best time to talk about possible death in labour!
The fact that your husband talked about it after coming from a pub is also telling. He is aware that his life won't be as carefree as it is now. The fact that he was the one to suggest buying a new place with considerations for having a child (a more permanent, long term idea) shows that he is leaning towards having a child, and is having cold feet at the moment.
I think it is very important to talk about it, and to let him know how important having a child is to you. I also think that the need to have a child is often stronger for a woman, meaning that a woman can become severely unhappy if she doens't have a child, while the man would be content with either having a child, or not having a child. I've heard only too many stories when the wife was afraid to seem too 'pushy', but kept on resenting her husband and wanting a child, only to hear years later from her husband, "Oh, I had no idea it was THAT important to you." By then it was too late, and utterly devastating for both.
If you now really want children, you'll have to ask yourself what you'd regret more - not having kids, or leaving your husband. Maybe there's a way to work it out and really talk about his concerns and try to put them to rest.
Is it just me, or do a lot of men fear the responsibilities, etc and stall because of that? Usually what happens is that they fall completely in love with their child and after an adjustment period, they GROW UP and become a father. Most of them say after the fact that they can't imagine life without their kids, and have never regretted having them.
If your hubby was at the pub listening to other guys complain, maybe you can find some men who love being fathers to tell him what a joy it can be.
I'm in the same situation. 8yrs together, 1yr married. I was never "baby crazy" cause my live-in nieces killed that desire. We had split for a short time in 2008 & I told him that if we were going to get back together I wanted to get married & I wanted children (my rule was after 30, but before 35). I also told him that it won't happen until he's 100% with me about it, because I'm not going to get the old "well you wanted them" bull.
Now here we are 1 yr after marriage, we get along great, we have a house with a big yard, stable jobs, and alllll of our friends have kids so we don't really go out much anymore.
We talked about it and tho we were both nervous & scared, we agreed to go for it (I'm 32 now, he's 29). He even talked about making sure there's room for the kids in the next boat we buy.
So I prepared. Got off the pill, did the folic acid, quit smoking, changed my diet, and up'd my heath savings contribution. Next year I'll also be in two weddings, so I had to order larger dresses (one of the brides even changed her dresses to accomodate). I never really had a strong desire to have children, but now I've started to get excited & am looking forward to the fact that we'll be starting a family together.... until last night.
He actually refused having sex with me (and I'm sorry, but I'm freakin' hot). That's never happened before, so I insisted he tell me why.
He suddenly sais that me & his family are pressuring him to do this, I'm "baby crazy" and he doesn't even want children.
Are you kidding me? I'm just following through with the plan that WE made!
I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I feel deceived and I really don't know what to do (besides maybe place my foot in his...)!
What if I'm already pregnant? I'll have a child that isn't wanted by their dad.
This is why I wanted him to be 100% about kids before we went for it.
The future that I layed out before marriage is now being changed and it doesn't seem fair.
I am soo sad-pissed-off! I don't even know what that is, but I am.
I can't believe any of this is happening.
We had a wonderful marriage... until last night.
You have revived an old post. You sound financially 'stable' as well.
But you dont tell us what he doesnt like about children. Is it he doesnt want to share you with them. I think he will come round though in time.
Thank you Accept.
I don't really know why yet, this is all very new.
I think he's scared.
It's not his past.
We were both raised well, with siblings and parents together.
He's never shown any dislike toward children and loves his niece & nephew. We both have a fun/comical outlook on life, so I thought we'd have fun raising a family.
It doesn't really make sense.
I hope he does come around. I thought he already did.
I need to find out more. Our conversation ended at 1:30am. I've been working late today (avoiding going home for the last two hours), but I should go...
Idontgetmen,
I am going through the exact thing as you. I've been married for 4 years. I'm 28 and my husband is 33. We talked about kids before marriage and we were both on the same page -- we both agreed we wanted. Our only disagreement was the number of kids we wanted. I wanted 3, he wanted 1 or 2.
In August we began to try to conceive. We both visited my gyno, I got off the pill, started folic acid, stopped looking for certain types of jobs for the sake of flexibility when the baby comes, we began looking at renovating our home and getting a new car to accommodate a child. Then a week ago, he says to me that he doesn't want kids and that he never did. When I asked his reason for this now, he says that he doesn't want his kids to go through what he went through. He had a rough childhood and even in adulthood some issues keep popping up with his family life. I myself grew up as a child of a divorce at age 3 but I have learnt to not let that define me. I too do not want to make the same mistakes my parents made.. It doesn't mean I don't have kids, it means I avoid their errors. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think most people are worried of repeating their parents' mistakes, and chances are their kids will also have this worry. No one is perfect, and parenting is a learnt skill.
I have tried talking to my husband about these things to assure him of his ability to make a good parent. But he no longer relies on that as his excuse. Now, he has adopted a rather headstrong attitude that he absolutely does NOT want kids and that he is not changing his mind.
I am now looking at him as a rather selfish person. I feel that if he really does not want any kids, this is something he should have brought up a while ago, in the early days of our relationship because I would have been given the choice to stay or leave. Now I know I still have this choice, but it's harder 5 years later. I hope to hear from you Idontgetmen, as I want to have the support of someone going through what I am.
Has anything improved in your situation? I am worried about my marriage now. We were having issues for some time. Nothing that I don't think we can work through -- personality differences, but now I feel so frustrated all the time. It's impossible to focus and heartbreaking at this time.
Any help?
IDONTGETMEN,
I totally understand. I am going through a similar situation. My husband and I went into our marriage not really interested in kids. Everyone told him I would change my mind and he didn't believe him. Well I have changed my mind. I only want one child but I do want one bad. I am very frustrated because he has mentioned he wants one also but he does not want the life long responsibilities. He also says our house isn't big enough and we have so much work to do on our house that we can't try to sell it anytime soon. He stresses how much a child would cost and how we would never be able to afford vacations ever again. One day last year he finally said that he is ready and that we should try in November when we go on vacation. So I weaned myself off my anti-depressants and got myself off of my bc and then he flipped out saying he wasn't ready. So I got myself back on bc.two weeks ago he told me he wanted me to get pregnant. For his birthday he wanted to have a baby. So I got off of bc and then yesterday I get a text message to get back on bc. is he trying to screw with my mind and body?
I haven't read all of the responses but I would advise you to read the thread I'm going to link below. It was posted by a guy who when he married his wife they both said they did not want kids. She changed her mind, he did not but gave in any way. It's a worst case scenario so be warned before you read it - but it's a case study in what can happen if one spouse really and truly doesn't want kids and agrees despite that.
There are lots of guys that say they don't want kids and once they have them wouldn't go back for anything. I'm not sure any guy is really ever "ready" for kids. Your guy may just be going through that or he may be like the guy in the thread. The two of you need to talk about it. You also do not need to compromise on this. If one of you really wants kids and the other really doesn't it's pretty much a deal breaker. If either spouse folds on this there is so much resentment that comes with that, that eventually it will kill the relationship - as illustrated in this thread.
My husband has changed his mind about kids 
