Husband thinks I worry too much
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Old 09-10-2010, 04:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband thinks I worry too much

I have been married to my husband for 10 years and we have 2 little kids together. One of the recurring problems in our marriage is our differing levels of stress. My husband is a very laid back person who really never worries about anything. He also never feels any guilt or remorse about anything he's ever done in his life. His philosophy is, what's done is done, now let's get over it. He NEVER thinks about worst-case scenarios and never plans for them. He just lets it roll and deal with it as it comes. As a result, he's made many mistakes in life (in my opinion) and some of them are recurring mistakes. It's like he never really learns from past mistakes. As a result, I have lost some respect for him and his credibility.

On the other hand, he says I worry more than anyone he's ever known. I agree that I am a very thorough person and I always have a plan B for everything. I think before I do it, laying out the pros and cons. In my opinion, I have lead a pretty successful life and my one big mistake was to have gotten married to my husband.

Our latest argument is over money. We are hanging in there okay right now but there is an upcoming possible child support judgement against us (my husband's child from a previous marriage). If we lose, we will be in financial jeopardy. My husband is not worried about it at all and is not even doing anything about it. I asked him last night what's the plan if we lose this child support case and he said that is such a remote possibility he's not going to waste his time to worry about it.

Also, I am being frugal lately to watch our budget and my husband doesn't understand why I don't just spend money to make myself happy (his solution to my problems is to just buy stuff and eat out all the time). I told him that if we keep spending money at the rate he "thinks" we should be spending, we'll be out of savings, then what? Again, he told me that that's not a possibility so he's not going to worry about it.

I'm SO annoyed at him right now that I can't really have a conversation with him in front of the kids without it turning into an argument. Any advice from anyone who also differ in their levels of worries from their partners? Thanks in advance!
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

I can definitely relate to your post. That was me a few years ago. My estranged husband and I had countless arguments over my level of worrying. You know it's time to get help when you argue over "worrying"! Among many other issues, my therapist and I did make progress in this area.

I now see "worrying" as a faith issue, so I hope I don't offend anyone. The Bible does address worrying in many places, but there are several key points. Worrying is not healthy, worrying accomplishes nothing, worrying is a waste of time and mental focus, and worrying is the opposite of trusting God. Every time I catch myself slipping, two Bible verses come to mind. Matthew 6:34--Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's troubles are enough for today. 1 Peter 5:7--Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.

Also, studying metaphysical material gives us even more insight on "worrying". From that standpoint a person needs to exercise extreme care when concentrating on the negative aspect of outcomes. The old saying, "Be careful what you wish for (or project).....it just might come true" could apply here.

Hopefully this will help you. This is a very complex problem which many people just don't get control over. I chose to really get to the heart of the problem through counseling, religion, and reading. That's not to say we shouldn't exercise some caution, but we have to know when certain things are within our control. I now know my worrying about things outside of my control helped to drive a wedge between me and my husband. I spent way too many hours worrying when I could have been enjoying all the things God had blessed me with.
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Old 09-11-2010, 08:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

There's preparing and planning, and then there's worrying.

What you describe sounds, to me, more like preparing and planning. You're thinking of potential, realistic things that could happen, and trying as best you can to prepare for them. That's logical and smart.

Worrying is when you spend all your time thinking about every possible worst outcome, planning for it, worrying some more, planning some more, worrying, and on and on, even though that worst outcome is less likely than you being struck by lightning.

Now, the only thing I can say is that we all tend to write our stories slanted to make us look better, not intentionally, it's just what we all do without realizing it. So...with that in mind, maybe it's possible that your husband sees something we don't, and you don't, that makes what you are doing a problem. I would try to talk to him again. But this time, approach him like this,

"Honey, I'd like to talk. You think I worry too much. I disagree, but I think it's possible I'm missing something. I'd like you to tell me some specific examples of where I worry too much and what it is that I do that is worrying too much."

This might help with not turning it into an argument, plus it'll get him to get you specific examples, which will make it easier for you to see that you are worrying too much, if in fact you are.

It also might make him more open to listening to you as you try to explain your issues with his philosophy toward it all.

Once those lines of communication are open, then it might be easier for you two to talk and find a compromise.
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Old 09-11-2010, 10:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmmyC View Post
Our latest argument is over money. We are hanging in there okay right now but there is an upcoming possible child support judgement against us (my husband's child from a previous marriage). If we lose, we will be in financial jeopardy. My husband is not worried about it at all and is not even doing anything about it. I asked him last night what's the plan if we lose this child support case and he said that is such a remote possibility he's not going to waste his time to worry about it.
He's correct here. What can he do to change the outcome? This is one of those situation which is outside of his personal control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmmyC View Post
Also, I am being frugal lately to watch our budget and my husband doesn't understand why I don't just spend money to make myself happy (his solution to my problems is to just buy stuff and eat out all the time). I told him that if we keep spending money at the rate he "thinks" we should be spending, we'll be out of savings, then what? Again, he told me that that's not a possibility so he's not going to worry about it.
You are correct to show concern here. The budget is, for the most part, within your control. And it is here you may have to address the above issue.

Sounds like you and the husband are going to have to meet in the middle here.
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

Thanks for your input. I've decided to get a part-time job (I'm currently a stay-at-home-mom) partly for the money and partly for myself. Applying for jobs and knowing that I'll be bringing in some additional income is making me feel better.
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Old 09-21-2010, 07:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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It's possible that he doesn't need to worry because he has you who would plan and organise everything. So do you really need your husband to give you an answer? I think most of time you can decide and just tell him: I think this issue we would handle in this way. Is it ok for you? Therefore, you can decide a plan, and simple inform him first. If no objection, then things can be done in a more thoughtful way, your way.
In the other hand, if you need your husband to be the leader, although I think it's a bit risky since he never wants to worry about a thing, you can train him, starting from small things. Let him decide where to go and what to eat. You just sit back and let him decide everything. Make sure you smile and sit back! No comments!
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Old 09-21-2010, 10:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

Is it possible you are a bit more unstable in your "worrying" than you let on? Because your OP paints your H in a pretty bad light and makes you just sound responsible.

You have to make sure that your view of your husband and your view of yourself with regard to this issue are accurate.

I'm extremely laid back, and my wife can be very high-strung. Sometimes I get too laid back, and my W has to bring me back on track. Sometimes my W gets too hysterical with worry, and I have to remind her to relax, and enjoy life w/o the worrying.

The really disturbing thing about your post OP is that you believe that your only real mistake in life is marrying your H. If that's true, does that belief come through in your behavior toward him? If so, how do you think that affects him? Is it possible that, in your eyes, he can't do anything right? Is he to blame for everything in life you're dissatisfied or unhappy with?
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Old 09-21-2010, 10:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband thinks I worry too much

I agree with friendly. Why does he need to worry? He has you to do it for him.

I think if you stopped worrying about things and just didn't mention them, he'd take them more seriously. My husband is very similar to yours. He doesn't worry as much as I do, or at least he doesn't verbalize his concerns as much as I do. I've learned to just keep my mouth shut. Hey if he's not worrying about it, why should I?
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