I am new here today, so please bear with me. My wife asks me about once a year around feb. to move out cause shes not happy. Then she changes her mind. I step things up to her standards then shes happy so im happy. Well this year things are different, I live with my 8 year old biological son in a rented condo and I sure feel alone. my son is from a different woman than my wife. My wife has 3 kids from a different marrige. This is my first marrige. I have never cheated in my life on a woman. As far as I know she has never cheated on me. I am not abusive, I have never hit a child or a woman. I am a awsom person as she puts it. I cater to her so much I neglect myself. I give the kids plenty of attention. We met and got together to fast and moved in together way to fast. we never had a chance to court. She expresses to me that she wants to start over with me. Well I know I love her and want her back but instead of doing anything about it for the last 3 weeks I've been a depressed hermit. I have almost no friends. No one I can really vent to. As I read these Threads or forums whatever the title is and as I am typing this I already am starting to see that I am just feeling sorry for myself. The kids seem to be doing suprisingly well through this. Everytime I talk to my wife she ends up more upset with me. All I do is say I miss you and want you back, instead of acting, (my fault I know). She says she wants to court but everytime I ask her out she says I'm not giving her any space. I geuss I'm very confused and sad. If anyone has any advice I'm open to it. Thanks to all for letting me vent. I realize I left somethings out like: we have been together for 6 years. She says I need to change, cause shes not happy anymore. I also love her and the kids with all my heart. I have been so sad over this I can't sleep or eat too often I don't do drugs. I even went to counciling and they said I am normal. So I keep wondering is it me? Is it her? Or is it us? I personally think I have pushed her away from me by not beeing there for her in the ways shes needed me to. Of course my new fear is she is going to find someone who can be there for her before I have a chance to repair myself.
Tahoehandyman.
Last edited by tahoehandyman; 07-06-2008 at 01:38 PM.
Reason: left out alot of information
She has said she wants to be courted so do that. First of all stop feeling sorry for yourself, if you do that and realize your someone that matters and feel good about yourself she can love you too. You can't ask her to feel something for you that you do not feel yourself. So take care of yourself, maybe get out and meet some new friends. Have some fun away from her. Ask her out, if she says no, then wait and ask her again. Do something different (not movie and dinner) and buy her a little something from the heart (doesn't have to be expensive just something you know she likes...her favorite flowers...record some songs you enjoy together on a CD..that kind of thing and suprise her with it). If you think she isn't open to dating right now then just send it to her work with an "I'm thinking about you" with no pressure, nothing wanted in return. Just a thoughtful gift. Don't put pressure on her to resolve these issues but rather when you do go out just enjoy the moment, remind her why she fell in love with you to begin with.
I'm in that spot in my marriage that my husband feels something is missing. Actually if I am honest with myself I felt that way too. All our time was spent on kids and not on us. We drifted. But he says he still loves me and I love him with all my heart. We have not separated or anything like that but just trying to get that special connection back. I've been doing spontaneous things like this (that is not me, I am a creature of habit) and it not only improved things for us but me too. I'm remembering just why we fell in love. Now its not all mended, its only been two weeks and we have probably been drifting for a few years but I can see the path we are on is right and we are walking it together. Find that path with your wife and have the patience to realize it won't be fixed over night. Try to put some happiness in each one of her days and yours. She will begin to reconnect. Good luck!
Thank you very much for your time and support. I am currently online looking for some self help type books. Also my wife called me and invited me to the beach the kids were happy to see eachother, we were also. I tried very hard to not talk about things that were related to seperating. Actually she says she is not sure what outcome she wants yet. I think hard as it will be I might need to step back and let her have her space. She did ask me for that! Thanks again for your support. Good luck to you and your family. It sounds like you are intelligent and will do great!
Sense I first started this morning on this web site (Besides the 3 hours or so I got to hang out with my wife for the first time sense moving out), I have been reading as much as i can from various people. I have had some eye opening, reality checks. for example this is my fault. I have come to a conclusion, I need to help myself first. I feel my problem stems back to my childhood upbringing. This is based on my findings on the internet, all navigated from this page. Once again thanks to Chris for starting this forum. You can just feel the support and energy eminating from it. I hope to help other people as I learn from this life experiance!
Hi and welcome to the forum! You'll find many people here with similar problems. It helps to communicate with others going thru the same marriage problems.
I thought AZMOMOFTWO gave you some very sound advice. That's great you went to counseling. What about her? This is her second marriage; I'm wondering what her problems might be. I seriously doubt all of the problems in your marriage are your fault, You can never make another person happy; happiness comes from within oneself. My husband and I were told that by our therapist. Once we got past that, we began looking deeper into ourselves.
I thank you also, for responding to me. I feel better the more I read. I neglected to mention the reason for her first devorce was because her ex-husband was an alchoholic. This is true I know him. She can't stand him. I suspect its cause she loved him and he would not change for her, (stop drinking, be more supportive of her, stop cheating on her), he lied to her all the time saying he would stop drinking, but drank behind her back all the time. So she divorced him. They got back together same pattern. Her and I met shortly after that. Yes she did go to lots of counciling she says, in her life. She went for, if I remember right, once a week for 2-4 monthes a couple of years ago. I've went twice sense weve been married. The first time I rejected it and did very badly in my oppinion. The second time I went for 3-4 months about a year ago, last time she said I want you to move out or get help, I feel I truly tried to heal it just wasn't long or hard enough of an effort on my part. My counceler Said I would be fine I was creating my own tools and she felt I didn't need it anymore. Lisa said her counciler said the same thing to her. You are right she can't be perfect but I see her as that most of the time. Anyway I am going to call my old councilers tommarow To deal with my insecuritys and anxiotys. I do genuinly have those issuse. She has expressed to me that shes not sure if its her and/or me. She says she wonders if her lack of lust and affection towards me are because of early menapause. (she is 37 in aug.) She told me this evening when I saw her for a few that she is going to file for separation, and that I have six monthes to win her back or lose her. She wants me to not be lazy or insecure. I agree with both as I am lazy, but I still do alot it just takes me forever unless its an emergency, and insecure. But I know I am a great guy. So I will one day be fine My vow to myself was to really try this time and succeed. For me and my kid. The rest I hope will fall into place as the universe intends it to. Thank you to all for letting me carrie on it just feels great to get this stuff off my chest to people who will actually listen and care.
I am currently online looking for some self help type books.
If you want to get a good marriage help book try The 5 Love Languages by Chapman. It highlights different ways people feel loved and might give you some ideas on what to do to show her you really love her and think of her every day. Good Luck!
Thank you for the tip! I will definetly look into that. I keep talking to her everyday, and it keeps coming back to the same thing. File for a seperation, and in the mean time heal myself. Then she says she will have me back. I am so happy to hear that from her. But I figure while this is occuring It wouldn't hurt to learn how to be more romantic and with that woo her like never before. All of this support is exactly what I need so Thank you to all once again.
Tahoehandyman,
I recently purchased the Marriage Fitness Program (advertised on this site, there are also a couple of threads on this) and I would highly recommend it. I am listening to it myself (not my husband yet..but I think I will introduce him to it soon) and its help me to learn how to be more successful in a relationship. It's helped me to think about things differently and how love doesn't just happen you make it happen. I would recommend it for you and maybe your wife will listen to it as well. Here is the website: Marriage Counseling
I agree, you have to heal yourself and be someone who you feel deserves to be loved. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, you will find your way!
sad and confused
Re: sad and confused
Re: sad and confused
