MrHurting

I married my high school sweetheart after college and have been married 8 wonderful years. We have always been best friends and both enjoy the same things in life like, boating, traveling, cars, hanging out with friends, golf, etc. Neither of us has ever desired kids, and so we have a pretty lavish lifestyle with nice things and spend our weekends traveling, whether it be to the lake, mexico, or to see friends in around the country we are always on the go and enjoying life to fullest.

The first 3-4 years of our marriage was for the most part good, with what I would consider typical fighting over silly things as we both were young and still growing up. We sat down very maturely and worked through many of our problems. The past 4 years have been the best years of our lives. We never argue, communicate great, and love each other very much.

The past few months I noticed she had become very distant and was acting very unusual, like nothing I had seen before. The sex stopped, she had little interest in what I was doing, the phone calls and txt throughout the workday stopped, etc. She lost her Grandmother about 10 months ago and is still having a hard time with it from time to time. Additionally, we have another couple whom we are very good friends with going through a divorce. I assumed these things were causing her distance, but last week while on vacation she dropped the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" card on me and says that she lost feelings 6 months ago and has been hiding it.

I am in complete shock and disbelief. At first she noted that I don't pay enough attention to her, compliment her enough, etc. She also mentioned that she feels like she is always competing for time with me over my mother. We spend probably 6-8 weekends a year with my mother at her lake house, and being an only son she does rely on me for a lot of things, but I try my best to not involve my wife with those or take time away from my wife to eliminate those concerns. We have talked a lot since she dropped the shock on me and she just keeps saying she is scared, wants the feelings to come back, and doens't know why they left. She still loves me dearly I can tell and she cries everytime she looks at me knowing that she is hurting me dearly.

It's been a week and things seem to be getting worse. She acts normal about chores around the house, or going to dinner with friends, etc., but she can't be in the same room alone with me, can't hug me, kiss me, etc.

She's really trying by reading books, has an appointment set up with counselor, etc., but I am at a loss for how I should act?

Is she depressed from the loss of her grandma and the divorce of friends added to the issue?
Do I leave her alone to sort out what she wants for herself?
Do I encourage her to stay at her parents for awhile (she's already spent one night there)?

I can't even come to grips with losing my best friend and lover right now, I know life will go on, but don't think I will ever find someone so perfect for each other. Right now I basically am just letting her know I love her and will wait around for her to work through her issues, basically leaving the ball in her court.

Suggestions please....

MEM11363

It is really really odd for someone to go from very happy/in love to where she is now. Did she express distress/frustration with the "mom issue and lack of compliments issue" prior to 6 months ago? Even if she didn't speak the words, did her body language reflect frustration about these issues?

As for the "pay attention" compliments comment. Simple question. Do you pay as much attention/compliment HER as much as she does to you? If so, then I think you might have a whole different issue which is her falling for someone else.

What would happen if you sat her down and very calmly told her that no matter how things play out, if she is honest with you, things will be ok. And then ask her if she has fallen in love with someone else. And press a little - "so there is no one you text a lot, talk to a lot on your phone? No one you email a lot, talk a lot and have feelings for?"

Because her reasons seem VERY odd to me unless she is in love with someone else.

MrHurting

The 'mom' issue has been there throughout the marriage. When an issue arises I put myself in my wifes shoes and address it. Then everything goes well for awhile and another issue creeps up, the pattern has continued to the point where I pretty much have very little contact with my mother anymore, so there isn't much more I feel comfortable cutting out.

I admit I probably haven't paid her enough verbal compliments, but instead express myself through hugs, kisses, love u's, etc. I need to do better at that...

She has been a great friend to the husband of the couple seperating by talking and texting back and forth with him A LOT, I also talk him a great amount and he is one of my closest friends. I know he would never go down the road you are suggesting, but I do speculate that their friendship somehow spawned some feelings and are playing a role. Can't say she has feeling for him necessarily, but for a new relationship that has that 'new' feeling maybe???

MEM11363

If her "love language" is words of affirmation and HE is talking to her that way - well that could be a very stark and ugly contrast to you if your transmitting love through touch but that isn't what she needs.

tandeakwesede

I am a new member (Just signed up tonight), and I carefully read your story. Her behavior is definitely weird. It should take more than just 6 months to even start thinking about breaking the kind of relationship you described. I don't know if you have already done so, but you need to take her out (Pick her favorite place), and engage her in a straight/serious conversation about what she needs. Perhaps, you might need to talk about specific names of people you think she might be interested in (as the friend who is getting a divorce). At this point, There is nothing to hide, she seems to be leaving you. So, confront her to find out exaclty where you stand... I hope that was helpful.

breeze

Whatever you do, don't sit back and hope she can sort it out for herself. If your friend is pushing all her 'love' buttons, you need to fight fire with fire. Think back to when you were courting her, what did you do, how did you act etc. You know her better than anyone, that's your advantage.

MrHurting

Yes you are so right!

MrHurting

Weird part, is behavior has only been going on for few months, she just says been having feelings for 6 months. She is really being great trying to figure out why she has lost her feelings and has been very willing to talk and go to all extents to figure how to fix it, cause she doesn't want to end anything.

She just says she needs some space to figure things out with counselor, etc. and that is so hard to be around the house because she just breaks down crying when she sees how much I am hurting.

I can sure start fighting fire with fire, but in all likeliness there is more to the whole situation that either she hasn't told me, or more likely she hasn't discovered herself yet???

Thanks for all the ideas/encouragement, keep'em coming...

breeze

First of all, I think you both need to make a commitment to stay together for a duration, say 10 weeks, while you work on how to sort through this. Think of this as a contract, so you both feel safe during this time to try and get your marriage back on track without one person deciding to walk out. It'd be pointless doing this if she's having an emotional affair, that would have to end before any of this would be helpful.

It'd probably be of great help to see marriage counselor together during this time.

Then, ideally with her help, you would have a list of things you can do that your partner feels are loving behaviours that you can do for her. She should also do this for you, but that might be beyond her right now, I don't know. The list might be long, but you only need to pick and choose a couple of things off the list randomly each day, try not to be predictable and don't expect to get anything back from it, it's meant to be loving selfless gestures. These things might include: a 10min backrub, giving her 3 compliments for the day, getting her flowers, brushing her hair, making her favourite meal, telling her how much you appreciate her for doing this or that... etc

This is to help her feel more loving towards you while you work things out. Just a suggestion.

MEM11363

Are you going to ask her if there is "another" man she has feelings for?

MrHurting

Done...and your suspicions were correct. I asked and after 10min. of silence she couldn't say yes or no, but after I pushed she agreed that if she didn't have feelings for someone else she would be able to say 'no'.

She offerred that she needs to bring up the subject with her counselor this evening, so I at least feel better we have a starting point instead of the constant "I don't know what's going on" I have been getting.

Thanks again for making me open my eyes!!!!

MEM11363

MH,
Courageous move. That is a hard question.

Now - the counselor needs to get her to understand that to give your marriage a fair chance she NEEDS to end contact with the other guy.

And then during the next few months you two really work on whatever you need to. And for sure that means you working on this love style issue.

MrHurting

Agreed!!!! Fortunately, we have the kind of relationship where I never been afraid to express my thoughts and put things out on the table... I'm a nip things in the butt and move on kinda guy, rather than let things fester

MrHurting

We had a 3 day weekend planned this coming weekend, and she has told me she can't bring herself to go. I am considering still going to give me a chance to clear my mind, get away from things, have some fun, and give her the space she is asking for...

Suggestions?????

breeze

There are positives and negatives to that.

Positive: she might miss you, and realise she still loves you etc

Negative: she might see it as an opportunity to spend time with the other guy.