Am I being controlled?
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Am I being controlled?

Friday night I went out and bought myself a pair of good running shoes and two tshirts for my sons. I get the money back for the shoes from my company.
My wife got furious for buying the shoes and then the shirts for the boys. I have bought anything for me or the boys for several years because of the same reaction I got last time.
Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house.
When I leave to go to work I get a phone call if I'm not at work when she thinks I should be there. I have to call her when I'm leaving to come home and get a call if I'm not home when she thinks I should be.
I should have put my foot down on this years ago but haven't and now I have had enough.
What can I do or say? I've tried explaining how I feel but she keeps telling me that is not what husbands/fathers do. Help.
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Old 09-12-2010, 09:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Are you being controlled? Yes, certainly sounds like it.

It sounds like you need to find out what she is so afraid of. Is she afraid of you leaving her, cheating on her or what? Did she have a normal childhood or did she have a father that walked out or cheated on her mother? These are fears that might run very deep for her and she might not be able to think rationally about it. Counseling might be of some help.

I agree you need to start standing up for yourself and go jogging if you want to. I'm not sure how you might do that short of physically moving her out of your way, but that might end badly. Maybe you could make some sort of barter. If you get to go jogging, you could maybe take her out to dinner that weekend or dancing or something she likes doing.
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Old 09-12-2010, 10:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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IMO you have to be happy in your own life to be happy in a marriage...if you are feeling controlled and unhappy, you either have to fix it, or release yourself.
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Old 09-16-2010, 11:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house.
Dude, yes you're being controlled!! From one guy to another MAN UP!

She blocks the door? Walk out anyway -- without being violent of course. You can't walk out of your own house to go for a run?

What's her excuse for this behavior? If she's this way with you is she this way with the kids?
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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She is this way with me however, with the kids, she is controlling. My oldest, who is 22, is starting to balk at her controlling ways. She tries tells to him when he can work at his part time job, what times he should take his university courses etc. For my daugther, who is 16, they bump heads a lot and then there is my youngest, 9, who is starting to stand up for himself. I guess she must be feeling she is losing control and is taking it out mostly on me. It is not a happy household and we all tip toe around to keep her happy. I just want to take the kids and run away
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Old 09-20-2010, 09:57 AM   #6 (permalink)
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She must be very afraid of something, whether valid or not. Maybe she's afraid of being alone, afraid of you leaving, afraid of cheating, afraid of you being hurt.... Agree with Breeze that counseling may help.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Yes, you're being controlled and you're partly to blame because you've permitted this abuse for so long. If she has a bad reaction every time you spend a few nickles, this is an easy fix. Open another account and deposit only what's needed for bills in the joint account. She'll get over it. If you don't want to "have" to call her when you leave work or get home, just stop. What's she gonna do? Have a hissy fit? Nobody has ever died from one. If you want to go run, walk, to the gym, to a bar, to a strip club, or climb a tree buck naked with your butt painted floursecent orange, you're an adult. Just do it. She's not really a warden and there are no real bars on your house and no real handcuffs on your wrists. The only control she has over you is that which you willingly give her. If she blocks your exit, you can go around her, through her, or take a chain saw and create a new exit. She's not your boss. She only thinks she is.
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Old 09-20-2010, 12:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Say: "Woman, get thee to a shrink!"
Seriously, she is showing signs of mental illness. She needs to see that it is like a drug addiction- it is controlling HER, and by extension, controlling YOU and the entire family.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Say: "Woman, get thee to a shrink!"
Seriously, she is showing signs of mental illness. She needs to see that it is like a drug addiction- it is controlling HER, and by extension, controlling YOU and the entire family.
Please listen to F-102 on this and ignore anyone telling you to handle it yourself. You cannot. Mostly women complain of their controlling husband/boyfriend and the only advice for them is to leave. Therefore, the advice to leave is also for you. Set up temporary residence elsewhere (another home or move in with family) with your children and tell your wife to seek counseling. Let her know you and the kids will return after she has attended several sessions and shows a commitment to continuing. Don't confront her about getting counseling. This is not a type of case that you should threaten her with "our marriage depends on it" or anything like that. Just go. This is standard advice for people in your situation and not different people's opinion of what you should or should not do. It will work. Even though you are likely hesitant to leave, you really don't have a lot of options, and it is only on a short-term basis unless, of course, she refuses to get help. In that case, restoring and repairing the family unit is entirely up to her. Let her know you are not abandoning her and you are willing to do whatever you have to do to help her, such as attending sessions with her, setting up meetings so she can spend time with you and the kids, and so on. Just be sure everything is agreed to, or as required by the counselor, or on your terms, not your wife's terms.

Because her neurosis has been long term and because you notice the impact it has had on your children, family counseling is also needed. All of you will receive opportunity to vent and express your concerns and receive coping skills too. Controlling people rob others of their self esteem, confidence, and freedom. Everyone has modified their behavior and walked on eggshells for years to accommodate the controller. You and your children need to be able to restore your sense of self.
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Old 09-20-2010, 01:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Seriously? She blocks the door? And you let her?

You are teaching your children to be either abused or an abuser. Get some help now before it's too late for them.

I agree with Susan. Leaving may be the only way for her to get help, and for you to learn to stand up for yourself.
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Yes, you are being controlled.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hawks View Post
What can I do or say? I've tried explaining how I feel but she keeps telling me that is not what husbands/fathers do. Help.
So her response is yet another form of control. Her way is the right way on what a father/husband is and there is no room for negotiating.

I'm sure you are well aware that there are plenty of fathers/husbands who work out, go running, engage in hobbies outside of the home & there are just as many wives doing the same and appreciating that their spouse has positive outlets and love seeing them happy, even when they are not chained to the house.

Seriously, if you are not in a position to do anything drastic (ie leave) what if you leave work, text her that you are going for a run and will be late, turn off your phone and do it?
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Old 09-20-2010, 04:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hawks View Post
Friday night I went out and bought myself a pair of good running shoes and two tshirts for my sons. I get the money back for the shoes from my company.
My wife got furious for buying the shoes and then the shirts for the boys. I have bought anything for me or the boys for several years because of the same reaction I got last time.
Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house.
When I leave to go to work I get a phone call if I'm not at work when she thinks I should be there. I have to call her when I'm leaving to come home and get a call if I'm not home when she thinks I should be.
I should have put my foot down on this years ago but haven't and now I have had enough.
What can I do or say? I've tried explaining how I feel but she keeps telling me that is not what husbands/fathers do. Help.
Hell yes just put your foot down!
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

She sounds like a bully. She gets off on the power she feels she has when she has everyone jumping thru hoops.
Does she become violent if you go against her demands, or have you tried?
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:31 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

You are not being controlled, it sounds better to say you're being manipulated.

Your wife is typically negative.

Did she ever lay a finger on you?
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Old 09-21-2010, 12:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Am I being controlled?

Thank you for all the replies.

Yes, my wife hit me once and one time when I wouldn't back down threatened to kill me while I was sleeping.

With all your advice it has given me the strength to stand up to her for me and the kids. It hasn't been an easy couple of nights. It was WWIII last night but she eventually went up storming up to the bedroom.

It is so hard to go home knowing that you are going to be arguing all night. I feel for our kids.
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