interacial relationship at the crossing - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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interacial relationship at the crossing

My man and I met in China 1.5 years ago. We developed a loving and intimate relationship. I have very intense feelings and affections for this man, whom i'd use all of the best words in all languages to describe. Besides the affection, we are compatible in many ways - the relationship has been wonderful and comfortable - drama-free, loving, supportive with good communication, we never had a fight (not the kind of peace where either or both of the couple are sulky and moping).

Caring about the relationship much, i gave up the chance to study in Germany and he also decided to continue to work in China despite the fact that he didn't like it here nor is the job rewarding. For about half of the year, we practically lived together.

Then the condition gets worse and worse for him in China - he was disappointed and frustrated, we both came to the realisation that China is not the place for his long term goals. So he the had an offer to work in this reputable American University which is good for any young academic.

Before leaving for the States, he took me back to his homeland, Australia, where i met his family and friends and decided that we will stick together.

Another six month passed by - everything went fine and i also visited him at his new place in America. Now we feel we are not only gf/bf, but best friends and partners.
Now there is one year before i graduate from university. And i had planned to pursue further study in the States or seek for a job there, however, recently i found both options unpractical.

And now here comes the decision about my life and my relationship.

I actively started applying for jobs or Management trainee opportunities. Career is important to me, tho family comes first in my values hierarchy - however good the offer is, it cannot be as good as a loving family to me - you retire from your job eventually while you devote your life to build your family and intimate relationship.

The problem is : he doesn't appear eager to get married (he wants to get married when he wants a family) and he does say that i should be careful and don't make him affect my major life choice so i don't regret later (reason is that, he had been there).

My arguments are that, marriage to me is holy and a new start for a relationship. I don't want to marry for it's beneficial funtions (like having children etc.) and i feel it's a big move, and very tough decision considering relocating to another country, if there is no determination from both side to be together and face whatever lies in life.

I know why he warns me about relocating and hopes i don't just go there for him - i'd regret if things don't work out; i will be a burden to him; I might be financially and emotionally wanting etc. however, the fact is, the chances that where you are happens to be the optimal place for your partner is just rare. In my case, yes, the main purpose is to be there for him. I think to fit in a new life you should first move there because assimiliation doesnt happen automatically.

He isn't eager to talk about it because he thinks "we will see and decide after you graduate" - but things needs to be planned ahead of time.

So what do you guys think of it?

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 02:35 PM
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Re: interacial relationship at the crossing

I'm trying to make sure I understand: he's moving to the States, and telling you not to come here just for him. Is that right?

If so, I agree with him. Don't move here *just* to be with him. You're not married, you have no kids together, and if things don't work out, you're far from family and friends who can not only help you deal with the loss of the relationship but also help you get back on your feet in finding a new place to live, a job, or whatever else you might need.

In saying that, I have once moved some distance (not another country, but several hours) from family for a man. The relationship did not last. In fact, we broke up just before my move was official. However, my move turned out to be beneficial, because I had other things going for me there. I had a job, a place of my own to live, and I later met my ex-husband, who fathered my two children.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you move for him, at least make sure that you have things going for you when you do so. Make sure you will have a job, and the ability to take care of yourself. Make sure to make your own friends and have something of a life that is...well, not separate from him exactly, but that you would be able to continue on with even if you and he broke up.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 04:00 PM
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Re: interacial relationship at the crossing

I agree with atruckersgirl that if you move to the US, you should have a Plan B in case your relationship with your boyfriend doesn't work out. My mom always told me (I'm Chinese too, by the way) that I should never rely on a man and that I need to get a good education and a good job to support myself just in case. The same with you, if you feel you can be happy living in the US even if you are single, then do it, if you don't think you'll be happy living in the US if you don't have your boyfriend, then you probably shouldn't move here. Good luck!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-14-2010, 05:22 PM
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Re: interacial relationship at the crossing

Sounds sort of like you're putting your eggs into one basket - and I'm not really sure that basket is prepared to take on all that responsibility.

He's so far expressed to you the following things:

1) He does not share the same interest as you in marriage. In fact, he doesn't even view it's purpose the same as you.

2) He's told you to not "'make him affect my major life choice so i don't regret later" Which if you have been together for as long as you have and done the committing you have - I'd be rather surprised to hear that.

3) You're relocating with exactly him in mind.

4) You've given up educational opportunities that you regret.

Now, let me go into a little more detail on these.

It's important that you are both on the same page about marriage. I'm assuming you've brought up the topic since you've committed yourself to him for some time now and expect the next step to be natural: marriage. However, he has dug his heels in at the idea and immediately started telling you to not "Rely" on him for plans.

You sound like a planner, much like me. I needed to plan on getting married - I wasn't into the whole "Oh whenever I feel like it." I was pretty set in, "Either you know you want to marry me or you don't." And I set that up relatively early in my relationship that you either made plans to marry me or you figure out pretty quick if I'm not the woman for you.

This doesn't work with all guys. You might have to accept the fact that he will never be comfortable planning on getting married. You don't have to, but that is your choice in the end.

However, the very fact that he told you to not make plans with him being a central focus in the future is a big red warning flag. Men who are with a woman they want to commit with generally don't feel that way and certainly don't say so.

Also, you're sacrificing opportunities to stay with a man in a relationship that may or may not pan out. You might come to regret that later.

Might be time for a talk about where he see's this relationship in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years. He might just be comfortable with a relationship with loose ties and little commitment, something you might not be into at all!

Last edited by Mrs Chai; 09-14-2010 at 05:26 PM.
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