My husband thinks im cheating and im not!
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

My husband of five and a half years confronted me about cheating on him. To be clear, I have not cheated either physically or emotionally and am devastated at the accusation. I have always done everything to prove my devotion to him and only him. He has recently started asking to read all my emails, text messages and has admitted to recording my activities on the computer. I am really upset and do not understand why he will not trust me. I have recently started trying to have a bit more life outside of the home (started working out again and meeting new friends who I keep in touch with regularly). But certainly nothing outside what anyone would consider acceptable behavior. He told me he believes I am out there looking for someone to replace him but that is not truly the case. Can someone give me advice? I donít know what to do to prove my loyalty and am extremely concerned this aggressive and untrusting behavior is going to end our marriage.
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Old 09-15-2010, 04:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

Only thing I can guess (not really knowing your situation) is that a sudden change in behavior can really trigger someone's attention. Suddenly working out, and suddenly doing more out of the house (after 5 1/2 years) would certainly make me wonder why the change. I would just make sure you try to include him in some of the activities (like the working out). Once the "new" activities become predictable, and normal, he shouldn't see it as a threat anymore.

That being said...I'm sure none of this is in a vacuum. Why would he feel he should distrust you? Have you also been fighting more, drop-off in together time?

Good Luck,

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Old 09-15-2010, 04:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

Hi Saidy- I myself am in a similar situation. I have been in my relationship for over 12yrs and and his insecurity has always been an issue. Like you I started working out and lost weight, and decided to go back to school and all this has brought tension in the relationship. I had to just flat out tell him that I am trying to better myself and in return that will benefit both of us. That by me being happy will benefit our family. He did not by it at first. He has tracked my computer usage and checked emails, ect. It has taken 6 mos, but it seems he has finally 'come around' to believing me. I also told him I cannot live with his constant suspicions and that he either needed counseling to help with it or figure it out on his own, or he was going to lose me.

Sounds like your H has just started this behavior? Does he have any of his own interests he does that doesn't involve you? If not, maybe he doesn't know what to do with himself when your doing your 'thing' and his imagination gets all out of whack. You have a right to be happy and pursue your own goals. Took me awhile to figure that out, but once I did, it felt great!
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:12 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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But certainly nothing outside what anyone would consider acceptable behavior.
Can you be more specific than this?
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

I am going through the EXACT same thing!! I was very sick and needed 3 surgeries which I got last year. I was bedridden for almost a year. Now that I'm better and wanting to get out of the house, go out with a couple of friends, visit family etc he thinks i'm totally cheating! Hes tracking my cell phone watching something on the computer, I have no idea what, and accussing the crap out of me! Yes I admit I've been to dating sites. Sites that my DAD has been on bc my mom passed 8 months ago and hes ready. Also sites that 2 of my friends are on. BUT NOT ME. I sooo sympathize with you!!!!! He tries to say hes not controlling BUT IS. This is going to ruin our marriage. I don't have advice because I'm going theough the same thing, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I will pray for you!!! God Bless you.
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

Saidy, this makes me wonder about his devotion to you. I think when a person so easily accuses you of things like this, it is because under the same scenerio he would do what he is accusing you of.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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Saidy, this makes me wonder about his devotion to you. I think when a person so easily accuses you of things like this, it is because under the same scenerio he would do what he is accusing you of.
Agree..ONE possiblility that is that its "projection" .Guilty people have trouble trusting others.

Another possibility is he is just that insecure.Maybe feels "unworthy" somehow.And that if he 'were you " ..he would cheat on him.(hope that makes sense).

Also sounds like you have make some changes?..Change even for the better can cause a feeling of instability..
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

I would have no problem with my husband checking on my texts, e-mails, etc. any time he wants to because there's nothing for him to find. I'm devoted and if he's insecure, he'd have to deal with that.

But if he was that insecure, I'd be wondering whether he's seeking extracurricular ways to get his needs met if he was signalling unfaithfulness in this way.

If I was sure he wasn't being unfaithful, though, I'd just shrug, let him look at what he wants, when he wants, and let him cope with it if he comes across something he dislikes. I would not let it be MY problem if I'm not doing anything wrong.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

OP, do you regularly invite and include your H in your workouts and new friends?

If you are, then I think he's being insecure and a bit ridiculous about thinking that you are cheating and I'm with KathyB.

If you are not, and you are effectively excluding him from your new life, then I can understand why he might feel that way. Starting a new, independent life outside of the marriage (while excluding the spouse) is a sure way to raise a red flag from your partner's perspective. There's nothing insecure about that - that's a guy that's trying to protect his marriage.
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Old 02-20-2013, 01:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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OP, do you regularly invite and include your H in your workouts and new friends?
Does she need to invite him to baby showers too?
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Old 02-20-2013, 01:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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If she invites him to a baby shower, they should make it as uncomfortable for him as they can.

I attended one once, because my wife and I we going somewhere after. Never Again!!
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Old 02-20-2013, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If I were you I would be an open book for him and ask that he do the same for you in all regards, facebook, email, texts, all of it.

I wanted to comment here because I currently am not at all trusting my wife and can share my perspective from my vantage point. In my case, I haven't found any hard proof that my wife been unfaithful but she's given me many, many reasons to distrust her and just oo many of the classic affair red flags are there to think she's not having an affair. And my wife is starting to work out of town for extended periods of time where I cannot check on her to verify. In your case though, if you two can be completely transparent to each other in all your electronic communications and know where each other are at any given time without unexplained absenses, etc., then he should eventually start to trust. Don't hide anything from each other though. I think if you both do this, you will both form a closer bond and the temptations if there are any, will diminish.

I would also do some soul searching yourself. Think about how you both were when you first dated, and what the relationship was like. You were probably inseperable and an open book to each other. Try to go back to that time and look at what has changed since then. And be honest with yourself at what you do differently and how you've changed. I myself did this and realized where my faults were and changed my behvior to try to get the relationship back to where it was when things were good. I basically neglected my marriage and we grew apart. Often it takes two to destroy a marriage.

Good luck to you.
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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If she invites him to a baby shower, they should make it as uncomfortable for him as they can.

I attended one once, because my wife and I we going somewhere after. Never Again!!
Dallas is just introducing drama with the baby shower comment, OP never mentioned anything about a baby shower.

OP has not specified what her new life is, or even what the genders of her new friends are, so it's impossible to tell whether or not OP's H has any ground to stand on yet.
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:38 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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Dallas is just introducing drama with the baby shower comment, OP never mentioned anything about a baby shower.

OP has not specified what her new life is, or even what the genders of her new friends are, so it's impossible to tell whether or not OP's H has any ground to stand on yet.
True. Maybe he does have reason to be. My wife tells me I have no reason to worry about the many red flags. According to my wife, I should just take her at her word that she would never cheat on me.
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Old 02-20-2013, 02:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband thinks im cheating and im not!

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I am going through the EXACT same thing!! I was very sick and needed 3 surgeries which I got last year. I was bedridden for almost a year. Now that I'm better and wanting to get out of the house, go out with a couple of friends, visit family etc he thinks i'm totally cheating! Hes tracking my cell phone watching something on the computer, I have no idea what, and accussing the crap out of me! Yes I admit I've been to dating sites. Sites that my DAD has been on bc my mom passed 8 months ago and hes ready. Also sites that 2 of my friends are on. BUT NOT ME. I sooo sympathize with you!!!!! He tries to say hes not controlling BUT IS. This is going to ruin our marriage. I don't have advice because I'm going theough the same thing, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I will pray for you!!! God Bless you.
First off, you might want to start your own thread, because you resurrected a 2 year old thread.

Second, what do you mean "you were on dating sites"? Did you have an account on them? Did your husband find out about your activities, whatever they were?

And finally, often when someone has cheated or is cheating, they will project their current actions on their spouse or partner. Has your husband ever cheated on you?

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