Is he still attracted to me?
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Old 09-16-2010, 11:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is he still attracted to me?

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum and I hope to get some advice from someone outside my family and friends.

I'm 26 and have been married for almost 3 years. We met in 2003, moved in together in 2006, married in 2007, and had our beautiful daughter in 2009. So I feel that we gave ourselves plenty of time to get to know eachother before getting married. However, it seems as though my husband is not the guy he was when we first met. He's not the guy I fell in love with, the one I married and chose to start a family with. Don't get me wrong, I understand that people change, but I just don't understand this dramatic change. He used to "love" me and not be afraid to show it. I know he still loves me, but I feel like he's getting tired of me or something.

Everything I say or do makes him mad. I try to get close to him and show him affection, but he pushes me away and says he's tired. We have sex probably 2-3 times a month! That's both our faults since I'm not in the mood when he is and he's not in the mood when I am. Plus, we just barely started transitioning our daughter to sleeping in her crib instead of on the bed with us. I thought for sure now we're going to have more sex, but when I try cuddling with him and try to get him in the mood, again he pushes me away. When we do end up having sex, it's great! So we're good on that part, it's just the part of getting him to have sex that is complicated.

I like to think that maybe he really is just tired since he works long hours almost every day of the week, but something tells me that he's just not attracted to me anymore. I'll admit that I've gained some weight since giving birth and I don't always fix myself up like I used to. But slowly I'm starting to get back to my pre-pregnancy life. Several times I have fixed myself up to where I feel pretty and everyone else notices it, but he won't give me a single compliment. Is it asking for too much for my husband to notice me? To say a few nice words that will make me feel like he's still attracted to me? I literally have to ask him, "Do I look pretty babe?" "How do I look in this dress/outfit?" And his response is usually the same: "It's alright I guess."

I -on the other hand- am always complimenting him. I always tell him he looks handsome and sexy and he's like "yea yea yea whatever."

I honestly don't think he's cheating because I've tried looking for hints and clues and nothing leads to that. What's going on in this mind of his?

I also want to add that I think he's a bit selfish at times and gets mad over EVERYTHING that he finds "wrong" according to him. I mean literally, he got mad at me because my sister came to visit and parked on our driveway so he couldn't park well. He's the only one who seems to have a problem parking right. He gets mad because I help my sister take care of my nephew while she's at work. What's it to him? I'm not asking him to help me at all, plus he's at work when my nephew is here. He says that my Mom should be the one to babysit him, not me. Yes, he has confessed that he doesn't like my sister because of certain things she's done in her personal life- which are none of his business and have no effect on him or any of us at all, besides my nephew has nothing to do with it.

Anyway, there's much more that I haven't mentioned but this is a basic idea of what's going on.

Is this a "guy thing?" Could I be doing somthing more to better our relationship? I tried to tell him that we need marriage counseling but he says we don't. I'm so lost and confused.

Sorry for making this long and thanks in advance for any advice.
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is he still attracted to me?

Hi purple tulip, just take it easy. cheers
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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When did his change in behavior start? Does it correlate to the birth of your daughter? Some guys have a hard time "sharing" affection with a baby. Do you think this might be what he is suffering from?
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Have you asked him what's wrong? Or if he's feel down/sad? I read somewhere that new dads are also prone to postpartum depression. It's a big change and some people just have hard times dealing with it. Some men don't really seem very verbal about their feelings, so ask him what's going on. Good luck to you both.
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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When did his change in behavior start? Does it correlate to the birth of your daughter? Some guys have a hard time "sharing" affection with a baby. Do you think this might be what he is suffering from?
The change in behavior started before the baby. It's just getting worse. I honestly don't think he's having a hard time sharing affection with a baby. If anything I'm the one who feels that way- in a sense that I know he has the capability to compliment her but he can't compliment the momma. I know it's two different situations being that one is a baby and the other is the wife.

I always send him pictures of his daughter in her cute outfits and bows and he always responds to them.But when I send him pictures of me looking pretty and fixed up (or so I think) there's never a response. He used to always compliment me but not anymore.
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:53 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Have you asked him what's wrong? Or if he's feel down/sad? I read somewhere that new dads are also prone to postpartum depression. It's a big change and some people just have hard times dealing with it. Some men don't really seem very verbal about their feelings, so ask him what's going on. Good luck to you both.
I have asked him several times and I'm too afraid to ask him again because his last response was, "Why do you always think someting is wrong? I just want to relax? Can't I do that without you wanting to talk all the time?"
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Old 09-16-2010, 01:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I have asked him several times and I'm too afraid to ask him again because his last response was, "Why do you always think someting is wrong? I just want to relax? Can't I do that without you wanting to talk all the time?"
Yikes! Well it may be that he just wants some time to himself. I know it's hard but maybe just try to give him some space? I can relate, because my husband was acting in a similar manner when we had our first son 11 years ago. Sounds like he's definitely got something going on within himself and is rejecting you as a result. Is he open to talking to a counselor?
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Old 09-16-2010, 01:40 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Yikes! Well it may be that he just wants some time to himself. I know it's hard but maybe just try to give him some space? I can relate, because my husband was acting in a similar manner when we had our first son 11 years ago. Sounds like he's definitely got something going on within himself and is rejecting you as a result. Is he open to talking to a counselor?
No, he's not open to talking to a counselor. He can really make me feel horrible and unappreciated sometimes. I just don't understand why he treats me this way. Sometimes I feel that he takes advantage of my kindness and he knows I will always be there for him no matter what. Last week we had an argument over something so petty and I told him I was going out of town with my Mom for the weekend, he got mad and said when I returned he would be gone. To his surprise, I told him- Why wait? Leave now! And his attitude completely changed. We got over it and apologized to eachother. But yeah, I think he takes advantage of my kindness for many other reasons.
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Old 09-16-2010, 01:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Plus, we just barely started transitioning our daughter to sleeping in her crib instead of on the bed with us.
I had a bassinet in our room for the first few months, and then transitioned to the crib leaving the doors open so I could still hear if the baby woke up. Is she in your bed because you are nursing and it's easier? I can imagine after working long hours having the baby in the bed might mean less sleep on top of it and wondering if he just is too exhausted to focus on your relationship?
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Old 09-16-2010, 01:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I had a bassinet in our room for the first few months, and then transitioned to the crib leaving the doors open so I could still hear if the baby woke up. Is she in your bed because you are nursing and it's easier? I can imagine after working long hours having the baby in the bed might mean less sleep on top of it and wondering if he just is too exhausted to focus on your relationship?
I'm not nursing. She's in the bed because we both wanted that from the beginning. We also had a bassinet but we'd look at her we just had to take her out and ever since, she always slept with us. So now he (and I) decided that it was time she slept in her own crib. She's a kicker and would wake him up early in the morning when he needed to sleep in. Even though he admits that he misses her kicks in the morning. lol
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