Worried1

Hi, I'm new here to the forum. I am struggling in my marriage and thought this would be a good place to seek advice.

My husband and I married when we were only 18 and we are now 30. Its been a struggle since the day we married. His hobbies have always come before our marriage and our 2 children and he has even told me a long time ago that if he had to chose between his hobbies and our marriage he would chose his hobbies.

I have left him a couple times in the last 2 years, but always come back to the promises that things will change. Then a few months down the road everything is just the same as they were to begin with.

We are constantly negative towards each other and argue and fight almost daily and in front of our children. I have let it get way out of hand and now I feel as if I am negative towards everything and everyone, which saddens me.

I left him again 2 weeks ago and was just fed up and tired of trying. We have been talking the last few days and would like to try and work things out, but I just don't know where to start. We can't afford councilling. He bought the books 'The Love Dare' and they really seem to be helping and for once he really seems to be trying. But I'm still scared to come back and have things go right back to the way they always are.

Does anyone have any advice on how to change your life to a more positive one? Advice on how to salvage our marriage? Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated! I just feel so lost and don't know where to start to begin to repair this.

827Aug

Reading "The Love Dare" and other marriage help books is a positive step. However, it will take more. It doesn't sound as though you and your husband are having much success with the "do yourself" approach.

Do you attend church regularly? Many times a minister can be called upon to help with marriage counseling. Once I got to looking around, I was amazed at the number of ministers who are trained therapists. And better yet, they are free!

I really know where you are coming from though. Before my husband and I separated I had become one angry, negative person. I couldn't stand to be around myself!

Hopeful1

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain and troubles. It must be rough to always feel like you come second to your husband's hobbies.

I've been in your shoes as far as the negativity goes. I've spent the past few years being a miserable woman and taking it out on my husband and son. Angry all the time, irritable, exhausted, feeling like I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. My misery stemmed from my job -- an abusive and hostile workplace situation that I felt trapped by. I finally heard myself after one angry fight with my husband and son one evening and decided I had to change. With my husband leaving on a business trip and my son away with friends most of that time, I was left alone to sort myself out. I read articles on anger management. I put my resume in order and started applying for new jobs. I got a haircut. I started jogging and eating healthy. I found my libido again -- after a very long time!

Sadly, my husband had also hit his breaking point. Like you, he felt neglected for so long, that at this time, he decided he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me anymore. We're now in counseling (only because insurance covers it or we couldn't afford it either) and are trying to work on our marriage. I don't know yet if he'll decide to stay, but I'm trying my best to prove myself to him.

While not your exact situation, please know that you have the ability to take control of your own happiness. You need to find ways to make yourself less negative, less angry. You have a right to be mad at him if he chooses his hobbies over you and the kids. But that anger can be a useful tool for change. Are there any hobbies of his that you can your kids can enjoy -- or perhaps tolerate? Maybe a way to bridge the gap a bit? Or maybe you can talk with you husband, now that he seems to be open to suggestions, about setting reasonable limits between his "man time" and his family time? Let him know that it's not you wanting to control him or his actions -- but that you and the kids need and want him in your lives?

I wish you well during this tough time!

Worried1

Thank you both for the advice. We don't have a church that we are going to regularly, but are trying to find one. I know that a pastor could possilby help us, but I just don't know how to go about it. Do I just call up a random church and ask for the Pastor and tell him what is going on??

My negativity has just seemed to have gotten out of control. The Love Dare books have really opened my eyes as to how I treat my loved ones, and I'm really trying to change. We haven't said any harsh words or fought for the past 5 days so I'm hopeful.

Thanks again for the help.

827Aug

I think church for both of you will be a wonderful place to start working on your marriage. The best thing to do is visit some churches during regular services. Pick the one which "feels right". Then, contact their office and ask to meet with the minister. Or in a small church, perhaps tell the minister after his service you and your husband would like to set up an appointment. At the appointment tell him/her you are interested in possibly joining. In addition, tell him/her that you are also in need of help with a marriage, etc.--and that you and your husband have decided to ask for God's help in these areas.

When I was at my lowest point a few years ago, I prayed for guidance. It wasn't long before I was hunting a church to attend regularly. There really wasn't much hunting. I got up one Sunday morning and walked right into the church. It was an instant match. The minister and I have become very close. It's kind of funny because,unbeknown to me, the minister's husband and my counselor had been friends for many years. It's even more ironic because these people all live 50 miles from my house. So, the great part is that my minister and counselor have become good friends also. You should see the lunches we have sometimes--there isn't a problem that goes unsolved (at least theoretically)!

Hope you can find peace!