Texting - How Much is Appropriate?
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Old 09-18-2010, 12:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
swd
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Default Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

I recently discovered a lot of texting to a number on my husband's phone records. The number belongs to a 23 year old girl from his work who hasn't been in our city long and who he says doesn't have many friends. He's 33.

I've seen the texts and they're just things like "How is your day?" "What did you do?" etc. No hugs, kisses, affectionate names or anything like that. But, it still grates me. He sends her up to 10 texts a day, every day. She's always the first one to text and he says he feels he has to respond (he's like that with people) but still. I bought all this up with him a week ago, and he has been trying to text her less (resulting in 'are you mad at me' texts).

Just want to get some feedback, as to me this feels entirely inappropriate - she's a single girl, texting a married man a LOT. But coming from a church background which I'm no longer a part of, I'm wondering if my viewpoint is slightly skewed? I'm meeting her tomorrow for the first time and am wondering if I should say something to her.

Would love to know your opinions on this? Thanks
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Old 09-18-2010, 07:47 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

Do not people call anymore, or talk to one another, but only text?

I thought only teens text each other, sincerely. Two people who work together text each other "How was your day"?
I don't get it.
Why are you meeting her?
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Old 09-18-2010, 10:27 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

I can see why you're uncomfortable with this, but I really wouldn't say anything to her. She might stop texting your husband, but I'd be afraid that you might become a hot topic of conversation around your husband's office water cooler, and I imagine your hubby would be pretty embarrassed.

If you want the texts to stop, then I'd say you need to deal with your husband, rather than this young woman, and ask him to either stop replying or to ask her to stop sending.
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Old 09-18-2010, 11:15 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

Do not say anything to her. She will either tell him, resulting in him getting mad at you, or she will tell people at work who will then tease your husband, again resulting in him getting mad at you.

Texting has become very common. My boyfriend and I will text each other when we are at work because to talk on the phone isn't easy, and we might need to quickly communicate something to each other that can't wait until we get home or off work - say, if he's supposed to pick up the kids but has to work late, he needs to let me know, but to call me at work could get me in trouble, so instead he'll text me and I'll see it when I get a chance, and then I know I need to pick them up. We also text for other random stuff, cause we're just weird like that. We also both text with our friends alot...we're not big phone people. We don't even have a house phone; just our cells.

But...her texting is making you uncomfortable. And that means, regardless of topic or context, the texting is inappropriate. Your husband should respect your feelings on this and tell her to stop texting him. If she won't, then he should take steps to ensure she does - block her number, change his number, report her to management for harassment, whatever it takes.

If he won't do that, then regardless of what he tells you, there is a problem there. No coworker, no friend, should ever be more important than your spouse.
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Old 09-18-2010, 03:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

She's a waitress, he's a Chef. She's just returned to uni so doesn't work when he does now, hence the texting. I'm meeting her and more of his workmates as they're coming to his sports game today.

Thanks for all your advice everyone - you're right I won't say anything to her. As you say atruckersgirl, no coworker or friend should be more important than your spouse. Hubby is a bit all over the place at the moment in regards to our relationship though, so this is something I guess I will just have to deal with myself in the meantime. Hopefully he realises that soon
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like he's seeking something outside the marriage or is developing feelings for this woman. I would have a serious discussion with your husband now before those feelings develop further.
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Old 09-27-2010, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

My wife gets emails and texts from males now and then. The frequency doesn't concern me as much as the content and legitimacy. A workmate with a legitimate purpose for communicating with my wife isn't a problem. If she starts getting "just thinking of you" texts from some guy, he might get a "just disposing of another body" or "just cleaning my guns" text from me. I don't chat up other mens' wives and I don't tolerate them chatting up mine.
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

A young single woman and a married man texting throughout the day doesn't seem right to me. Especially since he is questioning your marriage. Even if they are just friends now, something could easily happen to change that.
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

If my husband was texting that many texts about non work related things i have to admit i would find it disrepectful and slightly odd. I think the woman is a lot at fault as i assume she realises she he is a married man,therefore there is definatly a line she needs to watch she doesnt cross out of pure respect to you HIS wife!!! being that young she may not see why it could be viewed as inapropriate, as she has never been married.. have you asked how he would feel if you were texting a much younger single man? his responce to that may make him see that maybe she has other intentions.

you say they work in a resturant, i dont work and have never worked in this proffesion, so i may be wrong but i would have thought that there would have been plenty of other men and woman wait staff around her own age so i am just curious as to why she decided to be friends with a much older MARRIED man.... and who was the first to give out thier cell phone number and in wat situation did this occur.

Your husband may feel good and confident that a nice 23 year old woman is interested in him, but he has no intentions of ever betraying you, i dont know what sort of hubby you have ...just another thought
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

im 26 so not to far off 23 and i know i would not ever be as distrespectful as she is to txt "are you mad" ect 10x a day to another womans husband... the whole "are you mad at me"comment is actually a bit strange to me
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

my husband texts his coworker a lot too, but he's the boss and they have to communicate about work a lot. Even that makes me jealous. He invites her over to hang out and play games, of which she's good at and i suck. She just turned 21 and is pretty young and at times I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. I'm a jealous type and not sure what to make myself feel better about the situation. Maybe this meeting will help you get further insight into what the situation is between your hubby and his coworker . Like another commented the whole- are you mad at me? text thing is a bit disturbing, it almost implies that she feels like they have something.
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Old 09-27-2010, 10:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

I hope hubby invites all his subordinates to hang out and play games, not just the pretty 21 year old females (assuming he has more than one). I know co-workers have to talk about work but I'm not sure what legitimate business goals are met by hanging out and playing games. I've got subordinates, too. I don't hang out with any of them unless I invite all of them.
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Old 09-28-2010, 05:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Texting - How Much is Appropriate?

We are all women here...she's got a crush on your husband. He is starting to catch up on it and probably feels flattered. Don't do the obvious thing to become mad and clingy. Do the opposite...show her that he's waaaayyy out of her league. I suggest doing a bit more to look good tomorrow, be chirpy and friendly to all, meet her but treat her as irrelevant. Make her take her place in the waiter section...your hub is the man here...the chef. Make his day by being the wife he wants you to be.
The other route is to acknowledge her as being lonely and new, and suggesting clubs or whatever that's more to her age group...looking sincerely as if you guys together feel she's this lost little puppy. Showing her that your husband SHARES EVERYTHING together and she has no chance on him. You're the one with the ring...be spectacular!
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