fitzyj83

I'm a deployed soldier who is married. I deployed in March of this year shortly after seeing my wife off to basic training. I do the most dangerous job in Afghanistan which is route clearance. We've been together for 7 years now and I'm 26 years old. We were very close and affectionate until 4 months ago when she started her Advanced Individual Training as a Combat Medic. With 2-3 weeks of arriving there she started to ignore my phone calls and emails. I looked at the phone records and saw an increased number of text messages to a phone number which I called and found out this kids name. I started to get very worried and tried accessing her facebook and email accounts because by now she had completely stopped communication with me. She was very mad at me which made me more worried because we've always had an openess about our accounts, meaning we never cared that we looked at eachothers. As time went on the text messages went from 5-10 a day to about 200-300 now that they are both out of AIT. We are communicating a bit but it's short and only about business. I'm affraid to confront her about this because I'm affraid of backing her into a corner where she completely leaves me before I get home. At the same time I'm affraid that if I don't she'll take advantage of my monitary means. I think he lives in a different state from where my wife lives now. I go back home in 11 weeks. I had come to grips that she would leave me but now it seems that she is playing both sides of the fence where she talks to me enough to keep me there. This guy is 22 and she is 26. I'd like some thoughts from others about my dilema and some advice. Thank you!

Hausfrau

First of all, I am so sorry you have to deal with this during your deployment. It isn't fair, and I hope you're able to finish your mission and get home safely.

Practically speaking, I think you need to be very careful. No doubt you're earning a good amount of extra pay, and you need to make sure she's not spending it without your permission. I don't know your wife, and maybe I'm making assumptions, but as a long time military wife, I've seen that happen so many times. I'm not saying you should completely cut her off, because that isn't really fair, but you should definitely watch your bank account.

You say that you're afraid to confront your wife, but I think you need and deserve to know what's going on. Yes, it's going to hurt if she confesses to an affair or decides to leave you, but the uncertainty is hurting you now....and you can't make good decisions until you have the facts.

That said, I'll speak up for your wife just a little...you've probably come to understand that the intensity of the military experience can often lead to intense situational relationships. That may have been the catalyst for your wife's attachment to the other guy. Add that to the fact that your wife made a huge life change (joining the military), and has had to deal with all the feelings that go with a spouse's deployment (fear, anger, sadness), and I think its possible that she just temporarily lost her good sense. If you're willing to forgive her behavior, she may come back to reality now that she and the other guy aren't in AIT anymore and your reunion is on the horizon.

Good luck and stay safe!

lovelieswithin

Yikes honey! =( your job is so stressful and she isnt helping to bring comfort! If you're concerned about monetary means then I would do seperate bank accounts and give her just enough for home bills. I have lots of friends that are married and have seperate accounts - its not unusual! that should hopefully take SOME of the worry off the situation. If she questions your actions then just imply that you would like to keep it like this until you get home and work things out. You have a right to protect your means and your heart!
Its hard to say whats going on but ya sounds like she is not being loyal. Have you bot talked about respect & bounderies in the marriage? maybe bring it up again and let her know that her behavior is causing you to question her love. Ask her for honesty and to let you know if theres something she needs from the marriage that she isn't getting.
Tell her that you noticed shes pulling away emotionally... plea for her honesty with you because the stress could hurt your performance at work and put you at risk!!!! shes heartless if she doesnt stop & think about that factor... what if you become so consumed with the situation that you drop your guard out there?!?!
please confront her for your own safety.... this isnt a time for games of the heart & u have a right to answers!!!
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Greentea

Salute

I feel angry when I read your thread here, you are fighting for this country and your family, but she is screwing around. where is that "you are husband and wife, no matter good time or bad time.........", How can she change so easily? and what do you need a woman who can only stay with you during the good time for? what do you need a faithless wife for?
Definitly, put your money into a seperate bank account, that's the money you earn by life. if she doesn't care about you, you have to care about yourself.

fitzyj83

Thank you all! A few months back she told me she wanted a divorce and I had asked her to respect me enough to let me come home and see if she had different feelings. She agreed to it. I'm definately planning on seperate accounts since she has spent all my money. Lesson learned. I'm trying to push this out of my head, my job is extremely stressful, but the pain of all this is making it worse. It's difficult dealing with this uncontrollable situation for sure.

F-102

Get the Army involved. Go after her for the money issues, then find out who the OM is and go to his commander-maybe they'll CM and then DD his meddling a**!

lovelieswithin

Well, being a military wife I am sure has to be difficult and not for every woman. Some military marriages I know of are the most beautiful ones I have ever witnessed. A few of my friends from HS married military men and are completely devoted and proud to be miliatry wives. Surely you deserve the same and not this BS.
If you plan on staying in the military, is it worth waiting until you get home to work on this? what if you are immediately deployed again? she's already displayed that she cannot handle this lifestyle. I think a woman that CAN handle the distance almost has to be more on the selfless humble side than one that is selfish & greedy.
Now, I guess the question is would you rather be dealing with the unknown or would you rather begin the healing process now? Healing is tough but probably not as painful as continuing to wonder what she's doing at home.
I realize that being deployed is probably the worst time to be trying to repair a broken heart... but maybe this time could be better used on you preparing yourself emotionally for your return to a new life without her. You shouldn't have to beg someone to AT LEAST wait until you get home from deployment to patch the marriage... that should tell you right there that she is probably a pretty selfish woman.
Highly doubt the military supplies you with counselors for relationship issues rather than service stress... if they do though maybe take advantage? You could always order some healing literature online too and self sooth yourself through this.
If I could hug you my friend, I would. Bottom line is: you're a good man and deserve devoted love. keep us updated and please stay safe!!!!