Hi Guys,
Im new to this site, so, please bear with me.....Ive been married only 2 months and Im coping with being lonely. Im 41, this is my 2nd marriage with children. My husband worked lots of hours prior to marriage and thru the 5 years we've been together we've had our ups and downs. I really thought living together(we didnt live together prior) and being in the same bed every night things would get better, but they are not. I know he works lots of hours to keep our bills paid, but I work too and still find time for family fun. He only seems to have 1 day a week. Im just bored and lonely and not sure what to do about it. Ive tried hobbies, friends, its just not the same as having your partner around......I even had my friend be my date at a recent wedding.........any advice?
Thanks!
Marie
Has he been married before and does he have any children? If not, it may just be how he is used to living and needs a little nudge toward the family direction.
Yes, this is also his second marriage and his previous wife had children also. He does bring one son to the marriage along with my 3, all are above the age of 13. Ive been nudging and he says we need the money, which we do, but Ive offered to work a little extra so he can have more time off and he tells me "its his job" to make sure bills are paid. Its definitely straining us.
Yes, he has the option to modifiy his schedule and yes ive talked to him about it several times...He tell me "it will be ok" but doesnt change anything....In the meantime im home alone and to be honest, before I did "stray" with a married person, for years(before I was the married one) and I know its wrong, and no, im not going to actually do it, but the thought is crossing my mind....Its sad, I hope it gets better, I didnt get married to "stray", he's a great guy, he just isnt listening to me.....
Just to add a little more background--since ive been with him ive had to push for everything, ive come to the conclusion its his personality....I had to throw out the "get engaged" or im moving on after 3 years of exclusively dating....then when things were going south(he was never around) i broke up with him, openly dated someone else, then he actively pursued me telling me things would get better and he wanted to get married, didnt want to loose me forever....So, everything ive done and why came out, i cut ties with the married one, things seem to be better, we got married......here i am....again!On the flip side, he's a great guy, never argues with me, i mean never, isnt an alcoholic, has never ever raised his voice or swore at me, works hard, is good to my kids.......i just dont know..........i guess thats why im here...
Can you surprise him at work for lunch, will that work in to your schedule? If not, how about scheduling a regular night just for the two of you. If babysitting is an issue, then have a night where kids go to bed early and the two of you just share it together. No t.v., just time together. Tell him how you feel. I was guilty of this myself (letting work interfere with family) my husband didn't say a word and this went on a long time. Now we have to rebuild something we lost. I wish my husband had said something years ago....
thank you for the suggestions--i cant surprise him at work because he doesnt get any breaks, even for lunch, he works while he eats and doesnt get to leave......but the other suggestions i will try, I hope things go well for you, at least you recognize it now and are working on rebuilding.......
Why don't you pack him a lunch and put in a surprise note. Maybe an invitation for a private dinner (out or at home). Be the first one to reach out. Put him first and hopefully he will reciprocate. But, tell him you appreciate what he does for your family, he probaby thinks this is the best way to be a good husband. Don't shatter that (I felt shattered...my husband didn't even say thanks for what I gave up) instead turn it in to a postive. Good luck!
That's your launch-point for widening the field of discussion.
If I had to speculate, the easy answer is because he loves you. He may believe that by busting his ass at work and seeing that the financial needs are met, that he is displaying his love for you.
Think of ways that you can expand the conversation. It's a small start that can lead to incredible payoffs.
May I ask what he does for a living that he cannot even take a break for lunch?
He may not be a boozer or a cheat, but he does sound like a workaholic. His sense of worth is totally wrapped up in his career.
I am sure that if he pulled back an hour or two three times a week to visit with his wife, that all of civilization would not come crashing down.
Don't be afraid to ask him to invest time in his marriage.
Time is slipping by. and those destructive thoughts you have of cheating, they will have a way of weaseling their way into the front of your thinking if you do not pursue greater connection to your husband.
Michzz--he is a cook and the boss doesnt hire more help, why should he, my husband and 2 other cooks run the show for him...hes been doing that his whole life, his first marriage shattered for the same reason, he was never home and one thing led to another.....I did chuckle at your comment about civilization shattering, I have confronted him several times about all of the issues and they get better for a short period of time and then slip back.....Im just horrifed, im only married a short time and expected things to be sooooo much better....
thanks azo and deejo for the suggestions, ill keep trying--oh yeah, one more note, tonite he actually got off at a decent time and talked about going to a meeting he signed up for--nice, asked me to go with him, and who stays with the kids and watches their activites? Then i laid a guilt trip on him and we'll see if he goes or stays----unbelievable!!!!!!!
Only Married 2 Months
Re: Only Married 2 Months
