How do I improve my marriage love life when I just don't need it.

arisia · 07-09-2008, 02:08 PM

Hi everyone,

I have a great husband who I'm completely in love with. He's very romantic, places our marriage first above all, helps out with most of the household chores, is respectful of me and is always thinking about me, and is great with our kids. He's also good looking and has a pretty nice body. To this day he still treats me like we are dating and he wants to win me over. That's not to say he is perfect, but he knows when I need him to work on something and makes an effort to do so. And I always do the same for him.

A little while back he admitted to me that he was very unhappy with our love life, that he had been for years, and that he really needed things to change. I've always known that he wanted to make love on a regular basis, but I can easily go a month or two or more without even thinking about it once. I'd always just seen it as that if I'm not in the mood and my body isn't up for it, that's just the way it was and he should be ok with that. I never saw that making love so infrequently was impacting him as much emotionally as it was because he is always so worried about hurting my feelings that he bottles up and hides his own sometimes (I have him working on that bad habbit!)

The thing is, it's been a while now, and I just can't seem to make the changes he needs. Part of it is physical. I have a medical condition that has sapped my strength for years even though my doctor always tells me all my levels are normal and I shouldn't be feeling affected by it so much. I also have a 14 month old that STILL isn't sleeping through the night. Part of it is also mental. I was raised in a happy but pretty conservative family and I've just never be that excited by or in need of physical intimacy. Just coming on here and talking about it anonymously is very difficult for me.

I have some things going against me here, but I really want to improve things for my husband. My problems are two-fold. First, I simply cannot get myself in the mood with the frequency he really wants (at least once a week) and even when we do make love, I just find my mind wandering SO much about everything but what's happening at that moment. Now most of the time I do end up finally relaxing, getting into it and really enjoying it, but getting to that point seems like such WORK. And if it's taking me an hour or more to relax, that's an hour less sleep when I know I have a baby waking up at about 3, which doesn't help me relax any faster. Second, I just can't seem to bring myself to be interested in the same things he is. He wants me to whisper erotic things to him both in bed and also at any point during the day, but I just can't bring myself to do it. He wants me to wear more lingerie and make love with some light, but I'm very self concious about my body. When he talks about oil or chocolate syrup and whipping cream, I just think messy, sticky, and how I'll have to clean the sheets. When he talks about wanting to try a few other positions, I just wonder why I'd want to, even something as basic as 69 just sounds uncomfortable and I'm turned off from even trying any of them. The way we always do it just seems more comfortable for me.

So the advice I'm asking for, and hoping people have experience with, is what can I do to relax, focus and get into the mood more when my husband really already does what I want of him, and what can I do to get past or break down these strong inhibitions I have against trying anything beyond the most conservative acts? I don't want to say no to what he desires, but even though it's pretty tame I guess, I just can't seem to get comfortable with any of it enough to say yes.

Deejo · 07-09-2008, 04:21 PM

Welcome Arisia, and great post.

I am your husband ... well not really your husband, but I am the guy you just wrote about.

I appreciate your candor and honesty - have you been this upfront with your spouse?

The circumstances you describe played out between my wife and I over a period of about seven years, spanning two children.

Over the course of a few years I could count the number of times we were intimate, on one hand. Trying for children ramped things up - but invariably sex became a significant issue. We went to counseling, which she was open to, and to her credit, she did a lot of work in counseling. However, it did not translate into more intimacy between us. There was a point when she would make a face if I even went to kiss her.

So, years pass. From my perspective, being patient, loving, supportive and understanding has not improved our relationship or our sex life. So I in turn, disconnect. All of the insignificant little things that I dislike about her behavior, parenting style, and housekeeping, that I once dismissed as petty - now infuriate me. I am dismissive of her on the phone. I no longer ask for her opinion in any household decisions. I no longer acquiesce to any of her requests. I remain respectful - but I am at the point where I have accepted that I can live just fine without being married to my wife. Part of me is excited about the idea. And quite frankly that is never something I wanted to be excited about.

So ... the advice part; find a compromise or resolution. The worst concession you can make, is accepting that the circumstances are 'normal'. A perception that sex is a chore to be tolerated instead of the most intimate form of sharing and enjoyment that two people in love can experience - is damaging, to both parties.

I would strongly urge counseling for yourself, or both of you to explore the issue with a professional.

If it gets to the point where your husband no longer is interested in being intimate with you either, you are moving into dangerous territory.

Amplexor · 07-09-2008, 05:02 PM

I believe your wondering mind may have you in a Catch 22. The more you worry about the baby and getting up in a few hours the tougher is to relax. The less you can relax the more tension builds in the situation. Try planning an evening when you can have the baby in bed so the two of you can share some intimacy at an earlier time. Remember you do enjoy sexual relations with him and look forward to that feeling. The physical condition that you have could be having an impact but that doesn’t preclude you from finding ways to improve. It sounds like you have a great husband but he is trying to tell you something is wrong in the marriage and it needs to be addressed. Your husband’s language of love is touch. A desire for physical intimacy not necessarily just sex but he desires that as a way of feeling loved. Look for ways that will get you in a more relaxed state so the pleasure comes easier and faster.

arisia · 07-09-2008, 06:30 PM

Thank you both for your responses. It did take me some time, but I understand better how deeply my husband's emotions and happiness are wrapped into our love life. I get now that he just doesn't feel as loved if I'm not showing/telling him I need him that way. So even though I naturally do all these other things for him to show him I love him and he appreciates them, for him it's just not the same or nearly as powerful as me being intimate with him. And you're right Amplexor, it is definately more than that, improving the way I kiss him and making an effort just to touch him more or do things like sit on his lap or hug him for no reason have really helped already.

I am sorry you have had such a difficult time with your wife, Deejo. I definately don't want or intend to cause my husband the emotional strain and stress that your wife has caused you. I assure you we have had many talks about this, and I have told him recently that I'm having a hard time changing. He is patient because of the baby, but he admits he is confused and a little hurt that I find it so difficult to desire and want him the way he does me. It's hard for him to understand that I just don't need it to feel loved like he does, and how it's so hard for me to relax and be comfortable even though I love him so much.

It's like the desire to improve our love life is there, but the ability to do enough is failing me. I have made strides. It's still more like a chore to make love, but I do more, and there are plenty of ways I have made smaller changes to help like the kissing and touching a lot more, but it's like I've hit this plateau where I just don't have the energy (between the baby and my medical condition) to make love more than once or twice a month.

I see what you mean about the catch-22 and the baby sleeping, and I do enjoy it a lot when I finally relax, but I'm either so tired I can't keep awake, or my mind is so active it takes forever to stop thinking. And it's sometimes the stupidist things pop in to mind completely unbidden. Why on earth would wondering if the lettuce in the fridge is still ok come flying into my mind when my husband is kissing me? My mind just won't relax and focus on what's going on. It's like I can't control it, even when I do think I'm pretty relaxed.

I hope though as the baby starts waking up less and I get a bit more rest, the frequency issue will improve. I think my husband is understanding and patient enough for that, at least he says he is, even though I know he is anxious because who knows how many more months that might be. What I am most worried about I think is that I just cannot get comfortable with idea of being a bit more adventurous. I know he wants a little more variety and passion than what we have always been, and on one hand I really want to for his sake, but on the other hand I'd feel so uncomfortable trying much of what he'd like that I don't think I'd ever be able to relax and actually make the experiences enjoyable for either one of us. And if it isn't enjoyable, I know I'll never be able to finish it in the first place, let alone be able to do it again. Until I can be more mentally at ease and open, I am afraid to try anything at all.

swedish · 07-10-2008, 10:21 AM

What a great post. I can relate to what you are saying and I would guess there are many others in this position. It sounds as though you have a great marriage and I'm glad you are trying to address this issue. I totally understand that saying things in his ear, etc. are not comfortable for you and honestly will end up being awkward if you aren't comfortable. I've been here and got past this, so will private message you when I get a minute & give you some detailed thoughts that will hopefully help in some way.

arisia · 07-10-2008, 11:47 AM

Thank you so much for understanding! It helps to hear that other people know what this is like, and more importantly, have found ways to help get beyond it. I really look forward to your message!

draconis · 07-10-2008, 12:21 PM

Many times we as people forget to just let things happen and be in the moment. What you are talking about isn't unusual. What is strange is the sex being once a week or less. I think the key to it might be if you come on to your husband. The time involved and the build up can elp solve your isues because you will focus on dressing up and seducing him. Hae him take things slow so that you get past your one hour issues.

Your husband seems like a really nice guy, you are lucky to have him and he is lucky that you are concerned with improving the relationship.

draconis

arisia · 07-11-2008, 12:45 PM

You're right, I have always felt my husband and I had a very special and loving relationship, which is why his hidden unhappiness shocked me so much. I've always thought we both tried extra hard to make each other happy, I just never understood that while I was doing a ton of the things he liked, I was doing very little of the things he needed.

I know my husband really wants me to initiate more, it's one of the biggest hints he's been dropping for years. I am trying to initiate with other things, and I guess I'm just hoping as the hectic sleeping pattern of my baby calms down I'll be able to initiate more in bed as well.

The problem isn't being slow though. He's actually a pretty selfless lover and says he's never happy unless I've been satisfied (or at least satisfied enough,) so he does take things slow and for the most part pays attention to what is working and what isn't. Which for me, unfortunately for my husband, changes almost every time. Something that drives me crazy one time, might not do a thing the next, and might just tickle the time after that. But it's also just very hard to get in the mood. If I'm really tired, there's nothing he can do that will get me going. If I'm too awake, my mind is everywhere, and it takes a long time for it to calm down to the point I can focus on what we're doing (and now with the baby, I start worrying about getting it over with so that I can get some rest before the baby wakes.) And then there are the times I actually am relaxed and in the mood when we start, but if he is too slow I start falling asleep, and if he's too fast it's uncomfortable and I don't enjoy it. Wow, when I write it all out like that...my poor husband! But I haven't found any way around this balancing act yet.

Missy · 07-12-2008, 06:40 PM

He is trying so hard and it looks like you are making excuses to not do it. You are holding yourself back and thinking way to much into this. there are many techniques you can use to relax yourself. Taking hot baths, dressing up for him, etc.. there are so many things that can help make you feel much more relaxed and happy. Just remember dont concetrate on it and just enjoy it. Find things you love and laugh a little.

Missy~
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