General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I come out of a life where all I know is that men wants only one thing...lately I have a feeling that there may be men out there who seriously don't have hidden agendas, who really would like to just be friends. Most of the men I know are actually my husband's friends. I'm either reading signals wrong or right. If it's wrong, yay...if it's right...oh dear....How do I spot the difference?
I would say that if a guy is starting to discuss personal things with you (like his marriage difficulties or yours), then he is no longer just trying to be a "friend".
If there is a heterosexual man in the world that does not have sexual feelings for other women, even to say just "be friends", I have not met him.
And Chris Taylor I agree, personal discussions are the gateway to intimacy, and intimacy between the man and woman is going to be sexually defined and felt absolutely.
This is why always, my opinion is opposite sex "just friends" is playing with fire.
The majority of my friends are female. And no, there isn't a hidden agenda.
Many of them are ex-girlfriends. So it can be said I definitely find them attractive.
But in the eight years I've been with my wife, I haven't been trying to line up a liaison. I'm friends with my exes, for the same reason I'm friends with my male friends. I like hanging out with them.
I never understood the point of hanging out with some girl who doesn't like you, hoping you'll eventually get her to sleep with you. That's not how it works(most of the time). But yeah, there are some guys who do this.
So basically, the answer to your thread title as written, is yes
However, if what you mean is, will any single(and many not single) men sleep with basically any of their female friends? Then the answer is also yes
No, really, it's that hard for guys to be friends with women without planning to have sex with them? Can you even believe a guy nowadays if he's acting friendly or should you just treat it as "if he's interested he wants to get in your pants" ?.
I can understand the attraction part. I have at least sexual curiosity regarding most if not all my guy friends. and sex is probably nice with anyone you get along with. But i doubt i'd sleep with most of them, even if single.
Do most men really feel the need to sleep with virtually anyone?
A man is just as susceptible to emotional affairs as a woman.
But also the little challenges and conquests, even among for example many men at my career workplace, to win the attraction and attention of even high powered female executives and professionals, there is status to be sought after even in this which, childish as it may appear is very real, and open to all sorts of inappropriate behavior and feelings.
And do not think it is always men either.
I have mentioned before on this forum even in the last two years a female software engineer, very attractive and very married, saw fit to explain certain aspects of her recent system changes while promptly seating herself in my lap.
I think there are a lot of men out there that can be just friends with women and that women and men benefit from opposite sex friends. I have a lot of male friends and I don't think there are any hidden agendas. That being said a few of my friends have been very open with me about things and I think that a lot of guys in the right mood under the right circumstances would sleep with a female friend it would just mean something different to them. I think men have an easier time separating purely sexual desire from romantic desire and for that reason there are friends who might go there under the right circumstances. These same friends of mine in a rational discussion though agree that risking the friendship for the sex isn't worth it (just something they might ponder) so I believe the motivation for them is still just friendship, but as you can see sometimes lines get fuzzy. There are also male friends of mine who I believe have zero interest in me sexually. I guess to answer your question...I do believe men and women can be just friends, but you have to watch the signals and decide for yourself if things are just platonic.
I am also puzzled. I want friends. I enjoy talking to men. I don't talk to men in my real life. But on discussion forums, a lot. I had been on three discussion forums for Chinese. All men want to talk to me. And then they started to send me private messages, and I replied. Even though the messages were very normal, about life in general, or they send me songs to comfort me. Slowly I felt that I started to expect messages from them, slowly I felt that they are attached to me. I don't go to those forums anymore. As I know that I don't want to play with fire and let fire burn me. I know if I continue, I will be burned by fire. I have such a wonderful husband, nothing can replace him in my life. If I am able to have friends, great, if I am not able to have friends, fine. I won't do anything stupid to ruin my husband's trust and our happy marriage.
I don't think a man and a woman can be friends.That's why I tell men not to send me private messages. Out in public, maybe. We find people we like, we support their ideas, but never in a private way. If we do it openly, it is for everybody to see, and we will show respect to each other. If I do want friendship, this is the way I am approaching now!
I think it is entirely possible for men and women to be completely platonic friends. And I believe it's possible for that to happen even if that man and woman have dated previously.
I am friends with some of my exes, and my boyfriend is friends with some of his. I retain absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings toward my exes. I can look at them and say they are attractive men, but it's the same way I'd say that guy who just passed me is attractive; he may be attractive, but that doesn't mean I want to jump his bones. I am friends with my male friends not for sexual or romantic reasons, but because they are nice guys that I share one or more things in common with and therefore like hanging out with or talking to. If any of them made any overtures toward me, they would be told "no" quite clearly and if they persisted beyond that "no", that friendship would end. My relationship is much more important than any friendship I have. Although I cannot ask my boyfriend right now, I can say that I am relatively certain he agrees with me.
The thing, too, about opposite sex friendships is that even if one person wants more out of it, it can't happen unless the other person lets it. So, even if, say the man wanted to be more than just friends with his female friend, if she very clearly sets boundaries and makes it clear that nothing beyond simple, platonic friendship will ever happen, then he either has to accept that or risk losing the friendship. Same goes if it's the woman wanting more than friendship.
As I have said on this forum many times before, it is possible. I do think truly platonic OS friendships are rare though. I've had a male friend over 30 years and it has NEVER gotten sexual. I'm also friends (although not close) with his wife.
You're right though there are many men who are only out here for one thing, and one thing only. There are many; ways of knowing who and which ones that is... A lot of them who are out there for one thing only would, end up talking about sex a lot and always mess around with you, showing that they want to be able to share that moment with you...
You, and you only would really be the only one to tell
if this is what the male would want to take place doing with you... You do not really have anything to worry about though- you, have a mouth and you, can always say "No" to the male you, chose to be your friend with- if he wants to make it with you- you, can always say "I am happily married, nothing here will ever take place with you and me the only thing that we will have is our friendship and nothing more." That is all you really can do- or not to have any males as friends....
I would say that if a guy is starting to discuss personal things with you (like his marriage difficulties or yours), then he is no longer just trying to be a "friend".
Disagree wholeheartedly. I have married female friends who discuss this topics with me and i share my own. In no way are we betraying our marriage, its just easier sometimes for people to vent to the oppositie sex, especially when they are married because they relate. As long as you don't cross the proper boundaries, then its harmless.
One of my very best friends outside of my husband is a single male. I have alot of female friends but I simply enjoy his company (mainly his communication skills) more so. We both share a lust for "debating". We talk about anything & everything. Many times what is happening in the news, Politics, Religion, etc the more controversial, the more interesting it is. We simply enjoy challenging each others minds, sometimes for hours on end. Some would probably say we are obscenely OPEN with each other, and for many, this would be taboo but it has never been a problem for us, nor my husband.
He only comes over when my husband is home, husband is right there with us, he listens, he sometimes laughs, he shakes his head, he doesn't offer much, but when he does say
something, he has had us literally falling on the floor with laughter, his dry humor sometimes shakes the room.
The dymanics of our friendship is strong 3 ways, my husband is NEVER left out. Never a discretion. Our boundaries with each other were established 18 long yrs ago, he is like an uncle to my children, more of a brother to my husband than his own.
Although I don't recommend husband & wives to lean towards the opposite sex for friendships, it does not always spell disaster either. This male friend, when he does have problems, he calls me , I am more of the talker in our family and advice giver/listener, so it just plays out this way.
I feel if a marraige is built on a solid foundation of Trust, Honesty, Openness in every respect, with Fullfilling Intimacy - that these frienships can WORK , but still with some cautions:
1) Best to not have any underlying physical attraction to this opposite sex friend
2) husband or wife should NEVER feel threatened, or left in the dark about phone calls, emails, anything. If they have any concern, it is probably warrented. Nothing should ever be hidden.
3) The opposite sex friend should only come around when the spouse is present and they should have just as much of a good relationship with the husband or wife.
4) The friend needs to have integrity, morals, KNOW their boundaries AND KEEP THEM. If they find they are slipping and can not handle it, they need to step back from the friendship, out of respect for the marraige at hand.
One of my very best friends outside of my husband is a single male. I have alot of female friends but I simply enjoy his company (mainly his communication skills) more so. We both share a lust for "debating". We talk about anything & everything. Many times what is happening in the news, Politics, Religion, etc the more controversial, the more interesting it is. We simply enjoy challenging each others minds, sometimes for hours on end. Some would probably say we are obscenely OPEN with each other, and for many, this would be taboo but it has never been a problem for us, nor my husband.
He only comes over when my husband is home, husband is right there with us, he listens, he sometimes laughs, he shakes his head, he doesn't offer much, but when he does say
something, he has had us literally falling on the floor with laughter, his dry humor sometimes shakes the room.
The dymanics of our friendship is strong 3 ways, my husband is NEVER left out. Never a discretion. Our boundaries with each other were established 18 long yrs ago, he is like an uncle to my children, more of a brother to my husband than his own.
Although I don't recommend husband & wives to lean towards the opposite sex for friendships, it does not always spell disaster either. This male friend, when he does have problems, he calls me , I am more of the talker in our family and advice giver/listener, so it just plays out this way.
I feel if a marraige is built on a solid foundation of Trust, Honesty, Openness in every respect, with Fullfilling Intimacy - that these frienships can WORK , but still with some cautions:
1) Best to not have any underlying physical attraction to this opposite sex friend
2) husband or wife should NEVER feel threatened, or left in the dark about phone calls, emails, anything. If they have any concern, it is probably warrented. Nothing should ever be hidden.
3) The opposite sex friend should only come around when the spouse is present and they should have just as much of a good relationship with the husband or wife.
4) The friend needs to have integrity, morals, KNOW their boundaries AND KEEP THEM. If they find they are slipping and can not handle it, they need to step back from the friendship, out of respect for the marraige at hand.
This is the kind of friendship I want from a man. But Chinese are still funny in this area, we are taught not to be physically close to the opposite sex in our real life. So I never tried to make male friends in my real life after I was married. I don't have ways to meet them either since my co-workers are female. I talk to male parents, that's it, but it's all about their children in class.
I enjoy talking to men on forums, I get a lot of fun and information reading their posts.
Sometimes I think I have a man's mind. Women on Chinese forums actually think I were a man!!!
Can men and women really just be "friends"? 
How do I spot the difference?
Re: Can men and women really just be "friends"? 
