Hi, I'm new and I hope this works and I can get some great advice..
It's kind of a long story but...
My boyfriend and I have a complicated history.
We met and started dating a while ago, both of us had gotten out of very long term relationships that ended badly. We had several issues including commitment and exes. We were together, monogamous, but on and off again. 3 months into this rocky relationship, he went on a trip to visit his sister and his old friend, and when he came back, we had a good talk in where we decided that we genuinely cared for each other, had missed each other during this time, and wanted to be together. From that point on, our relationship blossomed. Fast forward 2-3 months later, I found out that during his trip he had made a "mistake" and had cheated on me once with the friend. We broke up. 5 months later, I finally started to reply to him, and we ended up having a long talk and decided to give it a try again. It's been one year since then, and we have been having an amazing time. We love each other deeply, and I have started to really trust him again. Of course, it has not been easy, but I really want this to work.
The problem is, I am starting to think about marriage. We talk about it all the time, and we both want to get married and have kids someday. He says perhaps in 5-6 years he will be ready financially and emotionally. He knows that I would like to settle down before that. This kind of threw me off, and made me think that maybe this is not the best relationship for me. We both just graduated from grad school, and will be entering separate programs in different states. I really hate long distance relationships, but am willing to give it a try because of our love, but there is no definite end to this long distance relationship, as we both don't really know what will happen to our careers. I feel like I have already made such a big decision to forgive him and move past the cheating and break up, and try the long distance, that waiting another 5-6 years might just tire me down. I just want to be able to be together, as it seems that is the only way to really heal, and move forward in our relationship and possibly take the next step within a couple years.... Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?? Please let me know what you think..
In the end you have to decide what is best for you.
Remember he is being honest so don't pressure him to start lying to please you. Atleast you know where you would stand with him. Now the question is do you want to wait?
I'm a big fan of if two people really love one another, they can find ways to get through damn near anything. Maybe you can too.
But...
Now I have a problem with cheaters. That's not to say I couldn't be friends with one or that they are all "bad" people, there are some on here that are obviously so devastated and repentant for what they did I have no doubt they would never do so again, but it's just that I don't know how their spouses get past it to trust again (so cudo's to you for being that strong and confident enough to do so.) But given the rocky status of your early on/off relationship at the time, I can believe it was a single aberration of his and not a hint that he'd do so again during a stronger relationship.
The biggest issue I see is that the two of you really are in completely different places. You are ready to get married, and he isn't even close no matter how much he loves you. For him to say he's not "emotionally ready" is a flag in my mind. Not that he doesn't love you, but he's not just saying let's get through the next couple years apart and in the meantime make some longer term plans, he's saying he doesn't even want to really think too seriously about it until after he's finished with his program and after he has gained some security in a job for a few more years. In essence, he knows what you need, but you are not coming first. Which is both a good and bad thing. It's good because you can't run your life by sacrificing your needs for your partner, you have to be happy with where you are as well. If he were to feel pressured into marriage when he wasn't ready would NOT be a great start to the rest of you life. But it's bad when there is such a large disparity over such an important matter. Bad, but not insurmountable.
I have to say that I do not think the odds are in your favor, and I don't like saying that cause I'm a huge romantic "love will find a way" sort of guy. If you really love him and you believe he really loves you and does want to be with you forever but just wants to place school and work first for a while (years) then give it a shot and see what happens. But I would emotionally and mentally prepare yourself for one or both of you drifting apart.
I tried a long distance with my 3 year girlfriend during college for about a year afterwards, and as close as we were and as much as we felt, it just didn't work. Priorities do shift, you will grow and change, meet new friends, have new experiences, and it is VERY hard to maintain the same level of emotional connection when you're just talking over the phone and not coming home to curl up with someone on the couch. And you're talking years of being separated with no set plan in place.
So, if you just agree to spend that time apart and hope for the best, I'd seriously expect the worst. However, you don't have to do that. There is room for compromise that does not involve him proposing. The only limits you two have are what you place on yourselves. How good a chance you two have is limited only by how creative you can be and much effort you want to put on finding a workable solution.
I don't know what your programs are or how long they are for, but maybe one of you would be willing to transfer to a program in the same school (I am assuming your are talking about post-grad education here) or one very close by in the next year. Maybe you would both be willing to live together if that is the case. Maybe the disparity isn't that huge between your needs, maybe you just need to find a way to change the direction so you are headed back towards each other in the next year, rather than farther apart for many years. Even if he wants to focus on school and job security before actually getting married (I have known people totally in love that feel exactly like that and have gotten married after many years of just trying to be financially more secure - though in their case it was a mutual decision) he should be opening to finding a way to work with you on being together while he attains his other goals first.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. It was very helpful. Currently we are apart for the summer, and already it has been hard. We are both musicians in different fields, so it is hard to plan as there are few job prospects and none that are concrete. Schedules are extremely difficult as touring and rehearsal schedules are long and often in different time zones. His program is 4 years..... and I currently have one more year left before I graduate. I am planning on applying for a PHD program after that. I guess the only way we can be together would be for me to apply for a school that is near his. The only reservation I have about that is that I feel like maybe I am putting myself on a limb too much, whereas he is just living his life. He says that he loves me and does not want to lose me, and wants to make it work, but he just does not know what he can do to make things better. It is a hard decision, and I guess I will have to make it...
Need Help!
