Is my marriage doomed?
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is my marriage doomed?

Hi all,

So I don't know if my marriage is doomed and I'm just too damn blind to see it. Here's the deal.

Wife had an emotional affair a little over a week ago. It was about two weeks long, with only about 3 days of intense feelings, with one kiss. She described the whole situation to me and I believe her.

She tells me she's not in love with me anymore and that she wants a divorce. I asked her to give us a chance and go to counseling. She agrees to give it a 100% chance and that she will really try to make it work.

She also says that the affair wasn't what put her into this state of thinking, that she has felt like this for a very long time and that she doesn't feel like she ever gave her heart to the relationship. We've been together for 1y 9m and married for 10m.

She holds a lot of resentment from when she was pregnant with our daughter, whom she got pregnant with 4 months into our relationship, because she says that I didn't support her like I should have and neglected her and made her feel like crap. I can't argue with this. I did treat her pretty bad.

She sent a no contact letter to TOM last Monday, but I guess he kept sending her messages asking her if everything was ok, and that the letter didn't sound like her and she responded on Wed telling him what was happening and explaining the letter I guess. I took this personally because she promised not to talk to him and to give us a chance, but she said that if she cares about someone she's not just going to ditch them with no explanation. I asked her to promise to not contact him anymore and she said that she wouldn't make that promise.

I still love her immensely and would love to have a happy life and marriage with her, but right now it's not about what I want. From her mouth she said that she doesn't know if she even wants to try to fix the marriage or if she could ever feel anything for me again, but that she will try. It's been a week and we don't start marriage counseling until Wednesday, and she says that despite my change she doesn't feel anything for me yet. She says she needs time to figure it out and that she feels like I'm just trying to force her to love my again by the stuff I'm doing. Granted I was talking about the stuff all the time, but based off advice on here I have tried to stop talking, but slip up every now and then.

So my question, is there hope? If so what can I do or not do? I just feel really helpless and hopeless right now and need some advice. Thanks
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Not only is she going to be feeling sad/depressed over the ending of her affair with TOM, she doesn't think she loves you and has no strong basis for your marriage to look back on to give her a view of how things could be if she tried to work on the marriage.

If she stays for long enough, I think you would probably have a chance to develop feelings for eachother again, but right now maybe she just needs space. She's feeling pressured to develop feelings, and nothing blooms that way. I don't know how you treated her during the pregnancy, but maybe her forgiving you for that is a good first step. That might take time, and only if she feels you are truly remorseful for it.

Is she remorseful for having an affair? She may feel like the reasons for her affair were due to her resentment, but that doesn't mean you made her go out and have an affair. That was solely her choice. It sounds like her 'no contact' letter was bull tbh. If she doesn't care that she's hurt you, and that continued contact with TOM will hurt you, that's not a good sign.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

Yes there is hope, and there is alot of great advise on this site.
First and for most she needs to get on board, and its confussing to read that one minute she wants no contact then the next is she cant make a promise to you. She has to stop contacting this guy for it to work. I would demand it. On this point there is no begging or pleading, it is a must. What ever you do, do not move out. you may even have to tell her family and friend about her wrong doing if she continues to see this guy.

My take is this guy was told by her not to contact her and he made contact any way so you might want to find out who this guy is. If this guy is a coworker,married or what. He could be a stalker or your daughter my be indanger.

Start reading up on affairs and get as much knowledge as you can. You need to arm your self for the battle that is coming. Stay strong and confident, let her know your hurt and apologize for hurting her. Dont grovel, SHOW her you've changed, telling her you've change wont hold much water.

Must likely he feel weak, dont show it, your daughters is depending on you.
Good luck and go get her back!
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

She says that she doesn't feel remorseful for having the affair, that in her mind our marriage was done so she wasn't cheating. She also thinks that since sex wasn't involved that it's less. I believe that since she developed feelings for him and still has them it's worse.

As for the letter, I asked her for another chance and asked her if she would be 100% in and she said yes. So she typed the letter to him with me sitting beside her, but pretty much wrote what I wanted it to say. I could tell she didn't want to write it or send it, but she did.

As for demanding her to stop contact with this guy that's way easier said than done. I have stood up and demanded it, but she says that she is going to do whatever she wants to do anyway and that I should respect her and let her make her own decisions. I can see plainly that this marriage stands zero chance if she stays in contact with a man that she has feelings for because it's going to close her heart to any chance at feeling for me again, but what can I do?

As for him, he's not a stalker or predator or any of that. She met him while out of country for two weeks, before that she had no prior knowledge of him. He lives in Indiana and we live in Texas so they do not and cannot see each other. Any contact between them would be online. There is absolutely no way for me to eliminate this factor from her life, because she has a cell phone with internet and she can go online anytime at work and I have no control over that. So unless she is actually willing to give up contact with him I can't do anything about demanding her.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

You're right, you can't eliminate her ability to contact him. This is why you demand that she stop, and you also demand full access to her email, phone, texts, etc. This is how she proves to you that she is not still in contact with him. If she is unwilling to do so, then you know that she won't give him up, and that's when you decide if you want to live like this or let her go.

I think she pretty well has proven to you her stance on this. She sent a no contact letter...and then contacted him. Yes, he contacted her first, but by standing firm in a no contact mentality, she would have sent the message to both you and him that she was not going to be in contact with him and that she intended to work on her marriage. She didn't do that.

I'd give her one last chance, demanding that she cut all contact and that she give you access to her phone, texts, emails, etc.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

I've read your story and will tell you that you have a chance to get her back, however, not the way you are going about it.

In your post, you said that you "demand" that she break off contact with TOM. She did agree to break off contact, but contuing to force it, isn't going to make her want you.

You also said that she said:
She says she needs time to figure it out and that she feels like I'm just trying to force her to love my again by the stuff I'm doing.

I know because you love her and don't want to lose her that you are making demands and forcing her to love you, which doesn't work. She already knows that you want this guy out. Now leave it alone for the moment. Stop forcing her. You will only make her run away. If you want her back, you will have to earn her trust back. Yes, you broke a lot of trust with her, by treatiing her badly when she was pregnant. Making demands wont fix that. You have to replace each wound with love, not demands. Don't punish her and put her in a prison with your force and demands. What you need to do is be more charming than any other guy, especially TOM. You need to be the most patient and understanding. You need to be fun to be around. Replace all that negativity with positive energy. Give her a little space and let her come to you, but be available to her. Sometimes we don't realize how much negativity we put into our relationships and then demand the other person love us. You cannot demand love. You have to earn it. You had to earn her love, trust and respect in the beginning. Do it again today, like you just started dating, only this time, do more. You need to let her see that you are the greatest husband on earth and let her realize that, not you demanding it. Give her so many fun and romantic activities to do with you that she doesn't have time to think about TOM. Have you read the five love languages yet? Even if you haven't, there is a video clip on utube where he explains what it is, so you can at least begin to grasp the concept and start today, filling her with love, but the love language she understands. If you see her on the computer or phone, then don't get angry, just get smart. Go in and ask her if she could finish up soon; because you have a suprise for her(but then you better have a suprise). How about a massage by candlelight? A suprise trip to the spa, just for her or a couples massage, dinner at her favorite restaurant, etc. These are just ideas. Do you know what she is missing? Right now there is an empty pit inside of her where your love should be. Making demands and forcing her into a lonely prison isn't going to make her love you. BTW; she does love you or she wouldn't agree to even try. You have to fill that void in her heart so that love can blossom.

Have you validated all of her hurt feelings yet? Did you really listen? Did you just say, "I'm sorry" or did you tell her that you were a really big idiot to not cherish a woman like her and that you will never make that mistake again. Did you tell her she has every right to be angry and hurt? Did you tell her that you were sorry that you weren't there for her and caused her to seek out support outside the relationship, but that you will show her that you will do anything to give her that support she needs if she just gives your marriage a chance? Did you find out what she needs yet? You made her promise you, but did you promise her that from now on, you will do what it takes to be the type of husband she needs? When she tells you she doesn't like something, do you get angry or do you say; thanks honey for your advice and I will do my best to work on that to make you happy.
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Old 09-26-2010, 11:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

... MY first reaction to your post is:
Do whatever it takes to make sure your child will be raised in a healthy, happy home by good parental role models. IMO, kids are the #1 priority of a family and must be protected from bad influences and inadequate parental role models.

Re: So my question, is there hope?
... There is always 'hope' IF you get busy studying up on just exactly how to make a relationship work. It isn't all that hard IF you are willing to learn and practice good relationship skills (look it up on line, in bookstores/libraries) and this will be the best gift you can ever give your child for it's own future.

If so what can I do or not do?
..... In our marriage, we do 100% honesty (no lies, hiding, omitting, evading, DENIALS, forgetting, ignoring, etc.) and respect plus some other things (kindness, friendship, empathy, affection, dignity, LOVE, acceptance, loyalty, patience, listening, sharing, etc.) we both learned and use from relationship skills training. I could go in to details but it might take several pages so I will leave it up to you to find, learn and use these skills - they are EASY and fun!

"I just feel really helpless and hopeless right now and need some advice.
... Imagine how your child must feel over this!
Get busy learning all you can, the info is all around you, and then slowly start applying the things you learn. It may be tough at first as you try out and apply new behaviors and eliminate old ones but since there is a child involved, you both may begin to appreciate and actually do the things you will be learning.
Most folks really want a good relationship but just DO NOT KNOW HOW to do it. IMO, and experience, learning exactly HOW from good relationship teachers is all that matters and will do the most for your kids.
good luck learning how,
Jim
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Old 09-26-2010, 11:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

All, thank you for the great advice. I guess I should just shut up and let it happen, it's just hard to be positive and fun when I feel like this haha.

Well every time we talk about it, she says that she knows plenty of couples who got divorced and went on to find true love with their second spouse, and even though I tell her that we can build true love she doubts that she can feel like that for me, and says she isn't sure if she ever felt it for me in the first place.

So I don't know, I don't want to give up hope, but it's hard to keep on charging when this is what I'm hearing constantly.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

Can you say door mat,
Buy her a bus ticket to Indiana.
Take your daughter and move on,
Or
She plays by your rules.
She's a cheater and a lair, if you both have the same cell Co. you can go on line and check her usage.
I know this sucks, I've been there, but your wife is screwing you over b/c of some bs fantasy on the internet, and its not right.
Remember the affair is the end result of the proplem in the marriage, find this proplem and fix it (both of you).
Every thing is easier said then done, but my take is we have to fight and not "just let it happen" I know this will push her away and she may not come back, but this sh*t is all fantasy and she should be focused on her daughter and her daughters father, instead she's telling some *ss h*l* how sh*tty her marriage is.
Sorry for the rant, and there are alot of good people on this site more qualified then me, you can listen to.
Good luck
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my marriage doomed?

Calvin, I was alittle upset earlier, so getting back to your last post. I Think your wife is mistaken, the stats show the affair relationship has a higher % of failing then succeeding. Find this info, print it and give it to her.
Please, please, get some more reading material regarding affairs, this will arm you for your next talk with your wife. I'm telling you this cheating grap has a script and for the most part they all play out the same way.
Stop being negitive, your wife will pick up on this and you dont want that, You need to show confidence even if you really dont have it, at least show it. Go and walk, work out , or jog it will help out alot.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:07 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Calvinj198 View Post
All, thank you for the great advice. I guess I should just shut up and let it happen, it's just hard to be positive and fun when I feel like this haha.

Yes it is hard, but wasn't it hard for her when you weren't there for her? You said that you regret that, but saying it isn't enough; you need to take action.

Quote:
Well every time we talk about it, she says that she knows plenty of couples who got divorced and went on to find true love with their second spouse, and even though I tell her that we can build true love she doubts that she can feel like that for me, and says she isn't sure if she ever felt it for me in the first place.
Of course she loved you. She married you and had your baby for heaven sake. That is her hurt and pain talking. When you fill her needs for love, she will come around.

Quote:
So I don't know, I don't want to give up hope, but it's hard to keep on charging when this is what I'm hearing constantly.
I didn't say shut up and lay down like a rug, I said be smart. The reality is that you already told her no to TOM again and again. Putting your foot down once is enough. After that, you need to SHOW her why she should be with you, by being loving and positive. And give her fun things to do so she doesn't have time for this TOM. Yes; yes to all who said learn relationship skills.

Last edited by candice912; 09-27-2010 at 07:13 AM. Reason: separate quote
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Old 09-27-2010, 09:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I have no great advice, other than to take a breather and see what happens Wed., with the therapist. It sounds like YOU, at least , are headed in the right direction. Perhaps the therapist will help you get going together.
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Old 09-27-2010, 12:26 PM   #13 (permalink)
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That's what I plan to do. I mean I can't control anything except myself and I need to better myself whether she decides to give it another go or not. So I may as well work on myself, while still trying to be a good husband and father.

I'm very cautious about the marriage counselor though, for some reason it has me thinking that we can go in there and solve all the problems in the world, but if she doesn't WANT to love me then nothing is going to work. So I'll go in with and open mind and attitude and just stay positive through it all.
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Old 09-27-2010, 05:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You, may be able to have a chance with your wife still. I am not saying she, is right for cheating on you, because it is not right, is not right at all. She, feels like you just are not the same as you were when you two got together; I can see that just by what you are saying here. I will tell you, this though "If she really had true love for you, and was also in love with you. The love, would not have just died off just like that."

Love, is something that so many people want to share and also is something that people want from others. Love, is a wonderful thing to have and a wondeful thing to be giving to others. You, indeed do love your wife very much- and with her I really do not think she knows what it is she wants. So, she is out looking to see what it is. She, also is unsure if her love was ever really real- so this is why, she is saying to you "I am not in love with you anymore" You're wife also with the letter she wrote to her lover (Tom) she may have wrote the letter in front of you, but how do you, really know though when you, were not looking or around she did not either unsend the letter or rewrite him another one- saying "Oh, my love I did not mean what I was saying, I had to write my husband made me" See, have you, thought that over?

Now, you may have a chance here- I know you love her without a doubt- but you, do need to show her in other ways that you are trying. Do not be so pushy on things with her, and no, I am not saying to let her cheat on you, just take her into your arms- you let her know deep down inside of your heart how much she really means to you, how much you love her, what you would do for her, that she is your life and so much more. If then she does not see your love and how much you are in love with her- well, then it would be time to let her go and fight for your daughter-

Sounds to me though your wife likes to run and party just a little to much here. I could be wrong on that part though but the rest I am not...
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Old 09-30-2010, 10:31 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Calvinj198 View Post
That's what I plan to do. I mean I can't control anything except myself and I need to better myself whether she decides to give it another go or not. So I may as well work on myself, while still trying to be a good husband and father.

I'm very cautious about the marriage counselor though, for some reason it has me thinking that we can go in there and solve all the problems in the world, but if she doesn't WANT to love me then nothing is going to work. So I'll go in with and open mind and attitude and just stay positive through it all.
Calvin,

You willing to work on yourself is excellent. That is part of what I meant. The other part is being positive. You think your wife doesn't want to love you? I know she said it, but seriously, she wouldn't go to counseling unless she wanted to work on the relationship. Give the counseling time. You might learn a lot in counseling about what she was missing in the marriage.

Please don't think I condone her affair. It's a horrible painful thing. I just know that you love her and hope you two can overcome this and make your marriage stronger than ever.
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