Re: Is my marriage doomed?
I've read your story and will tell you that you have a chance to get her back, however, not the way you are going about it.
In your post, you said that you "demand" that she break off contact with TOM. She did agree to break off contact, but contuing to force it, isn't going to make her want you.
You also said that she said:
She says she needs time to figure it out and that she feels like I'm just trying to force her to love my again by the stuff I'm doing.
I know because you love her and don't want to lose her that you are making demands and forcing her to love you, which doesn't work. She already knows that you want this guy out. Now leave it alone for the moment. Stop forcing her. You will only make her run away. If you want her back, you will have to earn her trust back. Yes, you broke a lot of trust with her, by treatiing her badly when she was pregnant. Making demands wont fix that. You have to replace each wound with love, not demands. Don't punish her and put her in a prison with your force and demands. What you need to do is be more charming than any other guy, especially TOM. You need to be the most patient and understanding. You need to be fun to be around. Replace all that negativity with positive energy. Give her a little space and let her come to you, but be available to her. Sometimes we don't realize how much negativity we put into our relationships and then demand the other person love us. You cannot demand love. You have to earn it. You had to earn her love, trust and respect in the beginning. Do it again today, like you just started dating, only this time, do more. You need to let her see that you are the greatest husband on earth and let her realize that, not you demanding it. Give her so many fun and romantic activities to do with you that she doesn't have time to think about TOM. Have you read the five love languages yet? Even if you haven't, there is a video clip on utube where he explains what it is, so you can at least begin to grasp the concept and start today, filling her with love, but the love language she understands. If you see her on the computer or phone, then don't get angry, just get smart. Go in and ask her if she could finish up soon; because you have a suprise for her(but then you better have a suprise). How about a massage by candlelight? A suprise trip to the spa, just for her or a couples massage, dinner at her favorite restaurant, etc. These are just ideas. Do you know what she is missing? Right now there is an empty pit inside of her where your love should be. Making demands and forcing her into a lonely prison isn't going to make her love you. BTW; she does love you or she wouldn't agree to even try. You have to fill that void in her heart so that love can blossom.
Have you validated all of her hurt feelings yet? Did you really listen? Did you just say, "I'm sorry" or did you tell her that you were a really big idiot to not cherish a woman like her and that you will never make that mistake again. Did you tell her she has every right to be angry and hurt? Did you tell her that you were sorry that you weren't there for her and caused her to seek out support outside the relationship, but that you will show her that you will do anything to give her that support she needs if she just gives your marriage a chance? Did you find out what she needs yet? You made her promise you, but did you promise her that from now on, you will do what it takes to be the type of husband she needs? When she tells you she doesn't like something, do you get angry or do you say; thanks honey for your advice and I will do my best to work on that to make you happy.