General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Having a down day...feeling some anxiety and quite a bit "blue"...and it doesn't help that it's grey and gross outside...
From those of you who know my "I-neglected-my-husband-and-family-for-several-years-for-my-dead-end-job-and-now-my-husband-has-lost-passion-for-me" story, I'm continuing to forge ahead with my new, corrected priorities, showing through solid, chartable actions and efforts that my husband and marriage are most important in my life. My husband continues to be willing to go to marriage counseling, which I'm very grateful for. We've been to 4 sessions so far, and he's finally started to talk about those things that have been eating him up for years. He's angry. He's resentful. He still says he doesn't know if he'll be able to feel any passion toward me again. But he says he's willing to try. And that's something.
For the past couple of weeks, we've been living as more "friends" than anything, with him expressing that he needs space... to work out his feelings, to start to trust that these changes in our marriage are real and permanent, to "come back" to us on his terms and as he feels it. Pressuring him doesn't work. He likes to be in control and so needs to have the space to make his "decisions" regarding his feelings about me and our marriage on his own. You can lead a mule to water...
We've been having fun together and the house has been more peaceful than it's been in years. I'm happier with myself, feeling that I'm back to who I truly am, which is huge. My husband is giving me tidbits of credit when he can muster it (once again, he feels the need, according to our counselor, to maintain control after so many years of feeling out of control) but says that he doesn't yet automatically see the woman he fell in love with years ago when he closes his eyes -- he still sees the miserable, nasty woman I've been in recent years. The counselor keeps assuring me to give him time... that he needs to get beyond his anger before he can turn a corner to start to let his wall down.
I've been most frustrated with our lack of intimacy but know this is something he needs to feel in control of. He asked that we put the pressure of sex aside for now and just work on building our marriage for a while. He still teases me physically sometimes (pinches my butt, etc. when the mood strikes him) but he's loving telling me "no -- the Dr. said no pressure" if I ask for something more intimate. He always does it with a grin, which tells me it's part of his "game" and I just have to play along for a while. Thank God for Valium on those nights when I'd kill for a snuggle or a poke
I'm hanging in there, but just a bit down today... Wish that my marriage was on firmer ground. I see the progress but don't know if he does. He's still very leery to show any type of confidence in the marriage or provide a firm positive that he thinks he's still "in love" with me. Part of me is scared to keep on like this for the fear that 6 months from now he'll say, "Your a nice gal, but I still don't feel that way toward you anymore." But I guess that's part of the risk with love. Nothing is certain. Nothing can be taken for granted. And you have to trust in it for the chance that it will work out. Even when being in limbo sucks hard...
Thanks for reading today. I just needed a sounding board. And you folks have saved me during my darkest moments these past few weeks. It's nice to have somewhere to turn when those nasty doubts are eating you alive...
Hi..
Congratulations on realising that thier were on going issues in your marriage and doing what you can to correct them for the sake of a job. These days it seems to be so easy to blur that line of balance beween work and home life. As a woman we have to find the time to be a wife, mother working woman and of course time for ourselves so therefore the days and years sure do seem to fly by.
Of course for your husband it is going to take time to heal and for him to become adjusted to the "new you" as he may be used to you being gone so for your job.
Living as friends can be hard, for both parties involved, and the lack of intamacy is something that can potentially hurt a marriage, so i understand your frustration about that.
Have you ever thought about surprising him with a with a romantic weekend away, where you could speak openly about your regrets and how your actions have impacted on him and your marriage ( i also dont believe you alaone got yourself to this point) but if you both get out of your "home enviroment" he may be more willing to open up and start to show passion and feelings again. Over the whole weekend it would be your job to papmper him show him how you feel and improve the closeness
Very few people muster the courage to do what you've done - to look at their faults in the mirror, and then own up to them. Really hoping you will begin to see the results soon.
Your mention of gray skies reminded me of my solution to a long wintry spell that seemed to grip my wife into depression for weeks. She said that she could not look out of her kitchen window without feeling sad because we had a tall gray fence, with gray skies as a backdrop. So, when she next went shopping, I rented a power washer with a jet scrub attachement and wrote a love letter in large script on the fence. Of course, 6 months later, when I was promoted and moved, I had to pay a guy $300 to erase her name and the letter from the fence.
I have noticed over the years that when one spouse gives up on a marriage, and the other works like crazy to convince them to stay, they become VERY hesitant to give out ANY sort of signal that they may be feeling better about staying. Why? Because they're afraid you (the chaser) will take it and run with it, and they'll be backed into a corner.
I would emphasize to him that you will make NO push to get him to commit to anything, you will let him set the pace.
You're doing great hopeful1. It must be very difficult to be where you are right now, but you've stayed patient and understanding with your husband. Have you got anything you can do to take your mind off things for a little while on the tough days?
Part of me is scared to keep on like this for the fear that 6 months from now he'll say, "Your a nice gal, but I still don't feel that way toward you anymore." But I guess that's part of the risk with love. Nothing is certain. Nothing can be taken for granted. And you have to trust in it for the chance that it will work out. Even when being in limbo sucks hard...
Sorry you are having a down day. As I read this I was thinking, he's probably in a very similar place...can see your changes but afraid to jump in with both feet for the fear that 6 months from now you fell back into the same routine as the past several years.
The uncertainty you feel now, while it carries some risk, is far better than if he were totally unwilling to give your marriage a shot. I have a feeling things will continue to improve for you both.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,599
Re: A Down Day Today...
The waiting game is difficult and hard to bare some times. But your husband is showing a willingness to work things out. I know the feeling of a lack of control you currently have, it's difficult but sometimes is a necessary part of the process. When a spouse disconnects because of a lack of attention, respect... from the other an emotional wall is built. It can be very difficult to bring down. My lack of attention to my wife's emotional needs drove her to find another man that would. The wall was huge and I got the ILYBANILWY speech. A few month later her telling me she was in love with him and didn't think we were going to make it. She was convinced her feelings for me would never come back. They did. Our recovery was very long but we had a lot of walls to tear down and baggage to throw away. We are happier now in our marriage than we have been in years.
You husband has stated he wants the marriage to improve and that is a huge statement from him. Hang in there on the days like these, they will hopefully become a distant memory soon. Good luck.
Despite the gray, down day, I think though you may not be winning, you definitely have not lost. He is still living in the same house, in counselling, interacting.
He is expressing his anger and disappointment, but is still with you and your family. If at dinner he asks you to pass the salt rather than asking a child to ask mom for the salt I think he wants to believe that you have changed for your sake and have realized the error of your ways.
Keep doing what you've been doing, keep listening, and remember the most beautiful expression in English after "A Spring Day", is "You're right".
He is both husband and father, he knows what divorce will bring, he may even feel that to some extent he has failed. You know better than any of us he wants your marriage to continue.
He undoubtedly realizes if he leaves, many of his dreams will be dashed, along with starting dating and all that entails. I doubt he wants to do this on many levels, though he probably shares my male fantasy of the pleasures new partners could bring, along with realizing that a bird in hand may be better than two in the bush.
Since we've "spoken", let me offer a current update - my wife, who has been very remote and distant these past few years, is making a serious attempt to remind me of how we used to be, last night after a very pleasant encounter she initiated, she spoke openly of how much she loves me. It is very difficult to answer "yes, I still want a divorce" when breathing hard and oxytocin levels have peaked, when what I want is the core of the woman she was for most of our marriage and her willingness to move. I should have said "we'll see", clearly I couldn't, wouldn't, didn't say "I don't love you".
As I said at the start, you haven't lost, I'll skip the sports analogies.
Good luck,
Mark
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopeful1
Having a down day...feeling some anxiety and quite a bit "blue"...and it doesn't help that it's grey and gross outside...
From those of you who know my "I-neglected-my-husband-and-family-for-several-years-for-my-dead-end-job-and-now-my-husband-has-lost-passion-for-me" story, I'm continuing to forge ahead with my new, corrected priorities, showing through solid, chartable actions and efforts that my husband and marriage are most important in my life. My husband continues to be willing to go to marriage counseling, which I'm very grateful for. We've been to 4 sessions so far, and he's finally started to talk about those things that have been eating him up for years. He's angry. He's resentful. He still says he doesn't know if he'll be able to feel any passion toward me again. But he says he's willing to try. And that's something.
For the past couple of weeks, we've been living as more "friends" than anything, with him expressing that he needs space... to work out his feelings, to start to trust that these changes in our marriage are real and permanent, to "come back" to us on his terms and as he feels it. Pressuring him doesn't work. He likes to be in control and so needs to have the space to make his "decisions" regarding his feelings about me and our marriage on his own. You can lead a mule to water...
We've been having fun together and the house has been more peaceful than it's been in years. I'm happier with myself, feeling that I'm back to who I truly am, which is huge. My husband is giving me tidbits of credit when he can muster it (once again, he feels the need, according to our counselor, to maintain control after so many years of feeling out of control) but says that he doesn't yet automatically see the woman he fell in love with years ago when he closes his eyes -- he still sees the miserable, nasty woman I've been in recent years. The counselor keeps assuring me to give him time... that he needs to get beyond his anger before he can turn a corner to start to let his wall down.
I've been most frustrated with our lack of intimacy but know this is something he needs to feel in control of. He asked that we put the pressure of sex aside for now and just work on building our marriage for a while. He still teases me physically sometimes (pinches my butt, etc. when the mood strikes him) but he's loving telling me "no -- the Dr. said no pressure" if I ask for something more intimate. He always does it with a grin, which tells me it's part of his "game" and I just have to play along for a while. Thank God for Valium on those nights when I'd kill for a snuggle or a poke
I'm hanging in there, but just a bit down today... Wish that my marriage was on firmer ground. I see the progress but don't know if he does. He's still very leery to show any type of confidence in the marriage or provide a firm positive that he thinks he's still "in love" with me. Part of me is scared to keep on like this for the fear that 6 months from now he'll say, "Your a nice gal, but I still don't feel that way toward you anymore." But I guess that's part of the risk with love. Nothing is certain. Nothing can be taken for granted. And you have to trust in it for the chance that it will work out. Even when being in limbo sucks hard...
Thanks for reading today. I just needed a sounding board. And you folks have saved me during my darkest moments these past few weeks. It's nice to have somewhere to turn when those nasty doubts are eating you alive...
I know how hard you are working and how much you want your H to see that. Giving him the time and space he needs is so hard. During those down days just try to stay focused on what you are striving for and how much it's worth to you. There are so many positives, he is still there with you, he is in counseling, he's putting effort into his part. Those are all very good things. Try to stay busy when you're feeling down. Read, learn and grow as a person. Better days are ahead. ((HUGS))
PinkPrincess, Takris, Turnera, Breeze, Swedish, Amplexor, ThinkTooMuch and Butterfly Kisses...
THANK YOU for your supportive words -- just the boost I needed today. I read your notes and nearly cried because you all helped me to pick myself up and have renewed confidence in my situation today. I know this rollercoaster is a part of the process. Sometimes my inner demons get the best of me and my doubts run away with my strength temporarily.
THANK YOU for the boost.
THANK YOU for the inspiration.
THANK YOU for the warm support.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
PinkPrincess, good ideas but not an option at this time when he's expressed specifically a "hold" on our sex life. We're speaking very candidly and I've expressed my regrets, and continue to do so regularly. We also had a few nights away a couple of weeks ago, which is what started the "hold" on our sex life. I treated it like a romantic escape, he was seeing if we could have fun together and if he still liked my company. Our counselor agreed with the sex pause for now as he was feeling pressure to perform while still brimming with anger and frustration. I don't want to push him, so we're taking it slow and rebuilding our relationship. And, no, for anyone wondering, no signs of any cheating. No odd calls to home or cell, no odd hours, no unexplained expenses, no nothing. He's never been a cheater, based on what he's told me about his past or what his family or friends have told me in the past. But I will keep the romantic getaway in my back pocket for a future time when he's more open.
Takris, I LOVE that story! Completely original idea and such a bold statement of love...That sounds like something my husband would have done before he became "disenchanted" with me. I'll keep that story in my back pocket too...maybe someday I can do something like this for him (or vice versa).
Turnera, solid advice, as usual! It's some comfort to know that this is a common pattern and, of course, it makes sense when you look at it logically like that. I'll try to keep this in mind when I'm fearing his distance -- that's it's a normal part of the process. I will also remind him that I'm not going to push and will let him set the pace during our next session tomorrow. He probably could use to hear that...
Breeze, yes, I'm doing as much as I can think of... and much of it is for my own good, for sure! Walking a lot, cleaning a lot, getting together with friends that I normally don't get time to see, shopping (also something I normally don't do), chatting on this board, job hunting, etc. Also am checking out some Meetup groups in my area -- one for women of all ages, one for hiking/walking, etc. Pushing myself to get back to my old spirited, confident, independent ways. Somehow I lost that gal a while back when work, marriage and motherhood got the best of me. I feel more alive than I have in years and that's a GREAT thing.
Swedish, great insight -- and you're right, he may also be feeling the same thing. Selfishly, I didn't consider that. Another kick in the head awakening! Shame on me for being dense. Thanks for pointing his likely side of things out... I will try to keep this in mind as it helps me to sympathize with him as opposed to just being frustrated!
Amplexor, always love your posts... they're always filled with such hope and it's exciting to hear from someone who's been down a tough road in marriage only to come out the other side stronger for it. I discussed this with my counselor a couple of sessions ago -- that I think this rough patch could really be an opportunity for us to create the kind of amazing marriage that will carry us through a lifetime. I see it as such a growth and learning opportunity (but, of course, I'm the one who botched it and has the most to learn) and hope that he can come to a point where he can see that too. I dream of being old and grey, recalling the truly defining moment and turning point of our marriage back in year 6.... cross your fingers that we'll get this chance....
ThinkTooMuch (Mark), I was so excited to hear from you...you're always a rational calm in the storm. Yes, I think he's fully aware of the impact of divorce -- this is his second marriage, so he's gone through that difficulty before. Likewise, however, as our counselor pointed out, second marriages are more likely to end in divorce, however, because the previously married spouse is "familiar" with this out. They may see it as an option, whereas the never-before married spouse, considers it a near impossibility. I'm not saying that my husband thinks that a divorce is the only or easy option for him, but I know he may be more inclined to go that way than I am. He knows what he'd lose and the knows the challenges he'd face with that path. I'm hoping that he'll decide that marriage is his preferred option and will continue to do what I can to help him toward this path. But, like you, he'll need to do what's best for him. I hope that as we continue this growth, and I continue to prove myself, that he'll also consider what's best for us. In turn, I'll try my best to be realistic about this as well. Finally, as you mentioned your situation, feel free to PM me if you ever need an ear. I know you're going through your own rough time and am happy to "listen" anytime! I'm so happy to hear that your wife is making strides, even though you may be hesitant (or beyond the ability) to trust in her renewed interest in your marriage.
Finally, Butterfly, so good to hear from you!!! I'm reading, learning and growing...daily... and thankful for the support of folks like you. I've been thinking about you and your situation lately and truly hope that things are looking up for you. I'm always happy to PM if you care to vent, share or otherwise. (((HUGS))) back -- we gals with stubborn men need to stick together!!!
Thanks once again to all of you. Your posts mean the world to folks like me who find themselves sometimes in dark and dreary places...Thank you for providing me with some much-needed perspective, motivation and inspiration.
A Down Day Today... 
