Am I really this screwed up?

blondieflint · 07-17-2007, 03:03 AM

Hi everyone! I am brand new to this forum and desparately need to see if there is anyone out there who thinks like me.
I am 32 and my husband is 26. We have both been married before and had 2 children each. Then we came together and made 2 more children for a grand total of 6. Yes i know...what were we thinking? Anyways we have been married for just over 2 years now and were together 1 year before that. Nov. 2005 we decided that only one of us could work due to childcare expenses. So it turned out to be me because I make pretty decent money and we were both ok with that.
But here is the problem I cannot trust him. He has never been faithful to anyone including his ex-wife. However he has continued to be faithful to me. And every man in my life has let me down in one way or another. I am deeply scarred from my childhood and not sure what my problem is. But I always think that when we have an argument that he is thinking about leaving me and just hates me and wants to go find someone better. He cant even talk to other girls without me getting jealous and then saying stupid crap. When I am in the moment I actually believe what I am saying but when its all over I feel pretty bad. Its so hard for me to just trust him because of all the let downs. I feel that the minute I trust him will be the minute he does something stupid. I have talked to him about this and he knows exactly how I feel and is always so supportive and tells me that when I act like that he doesnt take it to heart because he knows me. I dont think that my husband should have to deal with this crap. I am not sure what else to do. There have been little things that he has sorta kept from me I guess, stupid things like talking to some friend of his from high school that happens to be a girl. He doesnt tell me because he doesnt want to hear me accuse him of crap. But then I find out and I just lose it, I am angry, I am hurt and for what? It seems so darn stupid and yet its almost like I dont have any control over myself. Which I know is a cop-out to just being an adult and taking responsibility for my own actions.
What I am most scared of that I will leave him because I dont think its fair to him that I am the way I am. He always holds us together but I am getting more and more saddened by this whole thing. I love my husband more than I have ever loved any man in my life. He is truly a great father and does try to be a good husband. He is not abusive to me in any way, he often sends me random texts throughout the day to tell me he loves me and we always say I love you when talk on the phone or leave the house. I could have the most amazing marriage if I could just pull my head out of my butt and trust him. Why cant I trust him? Someone please tell me.
thanks

voivod · 09-24-2008, 02:56 AM

except for the gender and age, i could swear you were me. i had such a jealous streak. i say "had" because i'm really trying to work it out. i've actually seen positive results. i'll tell you this: that personality quirk will send your partner away quicker than you know. they are embarrassed by our actions.

draconis · 09-24-2008, 03:06 AM

You know that deep down your husband isn't the people that scared you deep down. You need to give him a chance to be who he is. He deserves a clean slate just as he gave you a clean one coming into the marriage.

If you continue your patten he might become resentful and figure since he is being blamed for cheating he might as well cheat. That isn't a position you want to be in creating self fulfilling propheties.

If you have a problem over coming this fear by yourself, I would suggest counciling.

draconis

visionquest · 09-24-2008, 11:43 AM

I agree that jealousy is rooted in insecurity and the root of your insecurity needs to be explored in order to find the cause. Once conscious about the cause you will be able to recognize that your jealousy is actually a "trigger" moment...triggering some deeper feelings you are holding onto from your childhood or past relationships. Putting these jealous moments in context will help you manage what can seem like an unmanageable emotion. Hope that helps. I have sought counseling for this and is has proven successful.