07-11-2008, 01:41 PM
Join Date: Jul 2008
| | Re: ??questions for the ladies??
Personally, it's both not important to me very much at all and at the same time very important. It has little to no bearing at all on how loved I feel or how connected I feel to my husband. I just don't feel desire or need for it like he does. I can easily go months (and I'm sorry to say over a year and a half on two seperate occassions around the births of our kids) without thinking about it once. It's confusing to him and hurts his feelings a bit, but he at least understands that just because I don't need to make love, doesn't mean I don't love him every bit as much as he loves me. I think a lot of men don't get that....just like a lot of women (of which I include myself) do not understand that many men only feel really loved when they have an active love life with their spouse.
I've always thought I was making him happy. I like the nice normal life, I love just feeling warm and content, being taken care of and part of a stable marriage. He has mostly provided me everything I need to feel very loved, and when he hasn't I've never had a problem telling him what I needed and he usually responds. So I have always tried to do all those same things for him that mean so much to me. I've always tried to spend time with him, listen to him and support him, tell him I love him, rarely argue or get on his case, share in all the household chores and focus on being a great mom. Little did I understand, that as much as these things kept him in love with me, they did not make him feel loved, at least not like he wanted. I am now amazed by how incredibly patient he has been. If he'd been as oblivious to my needs as I was to him, I'd have had a really hard time staying as positive and loving as he is. But then again, I never would have let things gone as long as he did without firmly addressing the issue.
That said, he didn't really open up and explain to me exactly how much our limited love life had been affecting him for years, while he played the silent martyr not wanting to upset me. Lovable idiot. At least I am lucky in that I know my husband would never cheat on me or leave me over sex. I could not change one bit and he would still remain committed to me and our marriage. A lot less pressure than if he had demanded things change or he would leave. He took the opposite approach, guarantying me his love to me for life, but let me know in no uncertain terms exactly how difficult things had been on him for years and that I while he loved me, he wasn't getting what he really needed to feel loved back.
Which gets me to why our love life is now very important. Before, my own lack of desire always overroad what he said he wanted and needed. I knew he wanted it much more, but if I just wasn't in the mood, then what could I do? He'd just have to wait. But I love my husband, we've both always tried our best to make each other happy, and now that he's finally opened up and explained that this is what he needs to be really happy and feel loved, I will do whatever I can to do meet his needs as well as he meets mine. His happiness is VERY important to me, and so our love life is now too.
I'm only just starting to understand how all this works for him, and only just beginning to do what I can to improve our marriage to meet his needs. I have a long long way to go I think, but I am committed to making long term changes and know my husband is patient with me.
Last edited by arisia; 07-11-2008 at 01:46 PM.