We will have been married for 17 years this coming Saturday. 15 of those years were basically spent being parent partners (not by my choosing) and suddenly one day my husband comes home and essentially says he wants us to change. Yes, after 15 years of me essentially beating my head against a wall and him telling me our marriage is awesome he "realizes" that it isn't. So I try my best to put aside 15 years of hurt, anger and neglect and try to make the best out of our future together. We went to counseling and things "seemed" to be getting better.
Fast forward to today. I realize that there has been no change in him whatsoever except for words. In the last 2 years he does say "I love you" and "you are the most important person in the world to me" so I guess that is progress? But what does the context tell me. He says these things yet doesn't back it up with any action. None. His "I love you's" are usually said while tapping away at his laptop, barely looking up at me. As for being the most important? I certainly don't feel it. A small example: over the weekend we were supposed to "talk" and try to understand one another better. That didn't happen despite my asking him about it. He said "let's do it tomorrow". Sunday, nothing. So yesterday I sent him a private message telling him my feelings about us. He got that message before 9:00 am. No response whatsoever and last night he spent all night watching t.v. before falling asleep at 11:00. Today, when I confronted him about it he said "You didn't give me a chance to respond". What? How is that making me the most important person to you? Hell, the television was more important than my feelings!
He says that his word is his bond. Okay. But what if those words don't match the action? A man can tell his wife he loves her all he wants but if his actions are those that hurt her, what do his words mean anymore?
In these past two years he has been more vocal but my "list" of actions have gone ignored. On my list were things that are/were important to me and ways that he could make me feel like a priority to him with time spent together. I wanted him to take black and white photos of me (he is/was an amateur photographer), I wanted to go up to the airport at night, lay on the hood of his car and watch the planes take off and land (I love airplanes, want to get my pilot's license), I wanted to go out just the two of us to a nice restaurant that wasn't kid friendly and had candlelight. I wanted to have sex outdoors (lol). Not ONE thing on this list has happened or even come close to happening in TWO YEARS. Most of it is free for God's sake! I have mentioned (and even written these items down) more times than I can count. It is always the same thing....next weekend/next time/next month/after this, that and whatever. Yet I am supposed to believe his words and he gets angry/sad that I don't believe them. What hurts the most? It's not like he doesn't have it in him to act on his words. He has made a career out of managing projects, deadlines, resources, budgets and people. He is a Project Manager and very successful at what he does. It just leaves me realizing that I am a "project" that isn't important enough.
Are words as important as action? What if the words aren't met with action?
I am just so hurt. 17 years this Saturday and I am dreading that damn day.