General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
View Poll Results: Should I try to reach out to my husband one last time?
Yes...you will feel better if you do
6
85.71%
No...has he listened yet?
1
14.29%
Talk to your therapist
0
0%
Pray about it some more
0
0%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 7. You may not vote on this poll
I have been married for 13 years....with this man for 19. (I'm 42 and my husband is 45)
Of course, in the beginning, things were good. But after some time, things have happened and I'm in a tough place.
We got pregnant in 2000 and our son was born in 2001. In that time my husband hurt his back and started sleeping on the floor (he said it helped) and hasn't returned to our bed. He's tried a few times (when we've had fights or talks) but I'm so used to it now, I don't want him back in bed with me.
While my son was a baby, my husband just didn't get it. It seems some (I won't say most, although I think I'm right) men don't think that their lives have to change once a baby comes into your lives. They just don't get that it's no longer about you two as a couple and mostly about taking care of this gift you've been given. *First time I was ready to leave him*
Fast forward---> We don't have sex, I can't remember the last time we REALLY kissed, we don't argue but don't communicate, I've tried atleast 1/2 dozen times to talk to him, he shuts down and I'm at the end of my rope!
I asked for a seperation last weekend, not only did he refuse to leave "our home, our son and me", he walks around like I never said it. I am in therapy, asked him to go...he refused. "Let's talk to a pastor" (his best friend is a pastor) uh...no, that's just too close for comfort....I've gone to see an attorney and while she's told me what to do....I just don't feel right about it. I mean, I asked for a seperation, not a divorce just yet.
So...anyone out there have ANY suggestions, been in this situation or anything? Need more info? My fingers are ready! lol
Why does HE have to be the one to leave if YOU are the one that wants the seperation? If you need some time to sort things out and decide if you want to still stay married, then YOU should leave, and try and work out some way that both of you can raise your child, while living seperately. I know if my wife wanted to seperate, I would not be the one to leave, and if I wanted to seperate, I would not expect her to be the one to leave.
Well, I have thought about leaving...actually, it's ALL I think about.
My husband isn't working (he is doing some painting work on the side) and his parents own a home that is empty (it's a really nice home, the one he grew up in). My only reason for asking him to leave is so that it's not a financial burden to try and run two households. I have a place to go, I can afford it...but here I go again trying to make things easier on him.
And our son, I know I've been with this man for nearly 20 years...but I have NO idea what he's going to say or be willing to do about our child. You never know what people will do when they are backed against the wall. I'm scared and confused...and I need some time away from him and all the stress and depression I've been living in. I want to be fair and raise our son...I don't want to keep him from his dad and I certainly don't want him to keep him from me.
You don't ask for a separation. You tell him that, unless he is willing to help you improve the marriage, YOU will get a separation. Then he has a choice to make.
fwiw, the comment about life changing bothers me a bit. How much time did you give your husband before the baby was born?
How much time do you now give him?
You DO owe your husband your time. Just because the child is here doesn't mean you're supposed to stop being intimate and caring and giving and romantic and fun together.
Many MANY marriages fall apart because the woman replaces her husband with the child - the child doesn't nag, doesn't gripe, gives her unconditional love, is fun to be around, and makes her feel GOOD. The husband? Not so much. So he gets shoved into the corner and turns 'off' from the marriage, and rightly so.
There's always two sides of the story and marriage issues are rarely one sided.
granted, some of this may be due to his back. I'm not sure what you can do about that. Is he depressed because of this? On medication for pain/depression?
he was willing to go to his pastor, why not give it a try? Can it be any worse than you are living now? You don't want to go down the separation/divorce route unless you have tried everything.
Yes...I can! HE is the one that's not interested in sex. I have BEGGED and been turned down to the point that I have felt so ugly, fat, unattractive and unwanted (FOR YEARS!). And not to toot my own horn, but I'm attractive...so why doesn't my own husband want me? I sat down w/him 3 years ago and told him my concerns...that without sex (although it's not ALL there is to a relationship, it is a PART of it) that I feel like his roommate. I said the same thing 2 years ago, a year ago, three weeks ago and now last Friday night. He has disconnected from me and I'm tired of trying to hold on. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and that's not me...so I tried doing things alone or involving my friends. But I've done that for years and it's not helping. I want to be in love again, to make love again to feel the connection with someone instead of just living with a my and my child. He won't give me what I need, even when I've asked, hell pleaded for it! So, while he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't act that way and certainly hasn't done much to try and keep me.
There's always two sides of the story and marriage issues are rarely one sided.
granted, some of this may be due to his back. I'm not sure what you can do about that. Is he depressed because of this? On medication for pain/depression?
he was willing to go to his pastor, why not give it a try? Can it be any worse than you are living now? You don't want to go down the separation/divorce route unless you have tried everything.
There is two sides...I doubt very seriously he would dream of giving you his side. He doesn't even want to aknowledge there IS a problem.
He is on no medication and is very fit. He used to body build and has one of the best bodies I've seen on a 45 year old man. His back bothered him that one time, yet now he'd rather sleep in another room and watch tv till he falls asleep.
btw, I, too, sleep on the floor sometimes when my back hurts. It helps a lot. So did my mom, and so does my daughter.
His back doesn't bother him anymore...just started the whole "not sleeping together" thing...which lead to the whole "I feel like he's just my roommate b/c not only do we not sleep together, but we don't have sex" thing
Yes...I can! HE is the one that's not interested in sex. I have BEGGED and been turned down to the point that I have felt so ugly, fat, unattractive and unwanted (FOR YEARS!). And not to toot my own horn, but I'm attractive...so why doesn't my own husband want me? I sat down w/him 3 years ago and told him my concerns...that without sex (although it's not ALL there is to a relationship, it is a PART of it) that I feel like his roommate. I said the same thing 2 years ago, a year ago, three weeks ago and now last Friday night. He has disconnected from me and I'm tired of trying to hold on. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and that's not me...so I tried doing things alone or involving my friends. But I've done that for years and it's not helping. I want to be in love again, to make love again to feel the connection with someone instead of just living with a my and my child. He won't give me what I need, even when I've asked, hell pleaded for it! So, while he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't act that way and certainly hasn't done much to try and keep me.
I am NOT talking about SEX. I'm talking about your day to day relationship with him.
Think about it.
When he married you, HE had a grand plan of spending plenty of time with this woman he loved. Men don't go around daydreaming about kids and playdates and playgrounds; they think of being with this woman, one on one, a LOT. THAT is what most men expect in a marriage. But for most women, at least half of what they are looking forward to is kids and raising them.
Guess who loses out?
The husband.
I'll ask again: How much time did you spend with him doing things that made him happy? How much time do you spend with him NOW?
If that dropped off before the kid came, then you just aren't taking care of your marriage. If it dropped off after the kid came, you are pushing him into a corner and he knows it.
THAT is why he has likely withdrawn from you. Marriage is no longer meeting his Emotional Needs.
ENs for men are typically: sex, recreation, fun, domestic support, and companionship (look it up at marriagebuilders.com). I'm willing to bet that you have not been meeting his needs.
I am NOT talking about SEX. I'm talking about your day to day relationship with him.
Think about it.
When he married you, HE had a grand plan of spending plenty of time with this woman he loved. Men don't go around daydreaming about kids and playdates and playgrounds; they think of being with this woman, one on one, a LOT. THAT is what most men expect in a marriage. But for most women, at least half of what they are looking forward to is kids and raising them.
Guess who loses out?
The husband.
I'll ask again: How much time did you spend with him doing things that made him happy? How much time do you spend with him NOW?
If that dropped off before the kid came, then you just aren't taking care of your marriage. If it dropped off after the kid came, you are pushing him into a corner and he knows it.
THAT is why he has likely withdrawn from you. Marriage is no longer meeting his Emotional Needs.
ENs for men are typically: sex, recreation, fun, domestic support, and companionship (look it up at marriagebuilders.com). I'm willing to bet that you have not been meeting his needs.
Well, up until two years ago...it was ALL about his needs. What HE wanted to do, where HE wanted to go, what HE wanted to watch on tv, what HE wanted to eat etc...I would take whatever he would give me and be happy.
No more...What about MY needs?
I wish he had emotional needs....he is emotion-less and I don't know what else to do to get through to him.
As far as my son...I'm not one of those Moms that wraps herself around her child and abandons her marriage. My brother went through that and I see where he had no where to go from that. If you take my son out of this completely, you would see the problem has NOTHING to do with him.
*Except for the fighting my son and his Dad do on a constant basis*
We all have ENs. You're too bitter and resentful to be able to be even tempered about it.
I'm NOT telling you you are wrong and he is right.
I'm telling you that you are so resentful now that your marriage doesn't stand a chance unless you back off for now. YOU are here getting help. YOU will have to be the bigger person for now and study and learn and try new things to fix your marriage, until he sees the light.
So let me ask you. Until two years ago, you were selfless, a Giver, Gave him everything he wanted, while your needs went unmet, right? And then what happened?
What changed?
If you don't know, how can you expect to get a solution?
Thanks for the response...and yes I know what happened...I woke up @40 and realized that I wasn't getting what I needed. Decided to sit down with him and try to tell him things I thought we could do and even as a family to become closer. I feel like he's given up on life and the adventure of it. It's not all work and no play or just sit and watch tv, work out and eat. I don't want to spend money to do it either...go hiking, go feed the ducks, take a ride to the mountains (they are about 20 mins away)or play a board game. It's like pulling teeth...and before we got to this stagnant place, he would do those things.He's changed too and yes, after years of trying to even talk to him (he gets mad I even want to talk) I have become bitter and resentful. And if u knew me, you'd know I'm one of the most forgiving people...slow to lose my temper and really have to be pushed (obviously) for a long time. This is why I feel like we should separate...so we both can really have time to reflect and decide if this is what we truly want. What we're doing now is just suppressing the problem and making it worse. Each day I feel more lost and each year I feel so hopeless....it eats away at me that I can't even reach him. I wanna shake him and say, "Talk to me"....he won't. Posted via Mobile Device
Go ahead and separate, then. But don't do it to 'make' him realize what he needs to do; your chances are fairly good that, once he's alone and not feeling the wrath of wife any more, he may just enjoy the freedom too much to come home. Lots and lots of men do.
That's not the reason I want to seperate. I want us to BOTH take the time to really think about whether we want to be together and stay married. I'm at the point that I'm ok with either. I've been carrying this around so long, trying to get him to open up while he walks around like nothing is wrong...being totally passive. I am a good wife to him, all I've asked is to communicate and he won't. I have never been a naggin wife, maybe I should have...maybe he would have listened all the times I tried reaching out. It took a lot for me to do that. Just to be ignored. The longer this goes on...the more resentful and pissed off I feel and instead of a seperation, divorce becomes more of the solution...we'll see. Posted via Mobile Device
End of my rope...need some help! 
Re: End of my rope...need some help! 
HE is the one that's not interested in sex. I have BEGGED and been turned down to the point that I have felt so ugly, fat, unattractive and unwanted (FOR YEARS!). And not to toot my own horn, but I'm attractive...so why doesn't my own husband want me? I sat down w/him 3 years ago and told him my concerns...that without sex (although it's not ALL there is to a relationship, it is a PART of it) that I feel like his roommate. I said the same thing 2 years ago, a year ago, three weeks ago and now last Friday night. He has disconnected from me and I'm tired of trying to hold on. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and that's not me...so I tried doing things alone or involving my friends. But I've done that for years and it's not helping. I want to be in love again, to make love again to feel the connection with someone instead of just living with a my and my child. He won't give me what I need, even when I've asked, hell pleaded for it! So, while he says he loves me, doesn't want to lose me...he doesn't act that way and certainly hasn't done much to try and keep me.
