ivebenblind

I'm new here and need help desperately. My wife is tired of me and says she's done. We've argued before and she's said the same thing before, but I know this time it's probably the final straw... But, I can't quit, I love her too much. We've been married almost 11 years and have 3 great kids.

I've made promises before to change and haven't kept them. I've been a procrastinator and she hasn't been getting the appreciation she really deserves from. Special occasions, birthdays, etc have gone by without me 'really' providing much in the way of special attention.

I asked if she would go to counseling with me and she says she'll go to a couple sessions and that's it. What is lacking is passion and romance (from me) and she feels I don't care. My intentions have always been good, but you know what they say about intentions.... I just have failed in the delivery.

I need to get off my rear and show her what she really means to me. I'm feeling like a real horses ass, which is the least I deserve.

Is there anyone that has been in my position and turned this around? I really need help, I feel I still have the slightest sliver of a chance, but my thoughts have been so cluttered, I wouldn't know a good idea if it slapped me in the face. Any ideas?

Missy

You cant procrastinate in marriage. this is what has caused the issue. Counseling is a good start, but you really need to show her you are serious. Actions speak louder than words. My husband and I have fallen into ruts and the daily routine. I mean with jobs, kids, activities, chores often times we forget why we fell in love. It starts simple enough. Plan a date for just the two of you. Get a babysitter if needed and take her out. It doesnt have to be anything fancy you could take her to a nice place that you can sit for hours and talk. Have prepared the things you love about your marriage and how you appreciate her. Then discuss what she feels could make it better. Remember there is some long history here so you cannot get upset but rather listen objectively and show active interest in what can change. This really is step one, but the biggest key to this step is how you follow through afterwards.
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Missy~
Parenting, Marriage, Relationships and More
tripleaytche.com

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Missy~
www.tripleaytche.com

Dilo

Maybe my post is the last thing you want to hear but you sound like my husband. i left him 7 months ago. He was uncaring , neglectful and didnt even know I existed. Now he knows and he is on his knees. Materially I had everything a woman could want. Emotionally I had nothing. I spent 19 years trying for the attention I thought I deseved. Nearly left on 3 occations but my husband always did the grand gesture to pull it round when the chips were down, always sliding back to his usual uncaring self when he thought it had blown over, only for me to sit on the same merry go round all over again. It has been 7 months for me. I have a nice place , a good job and a new fella, yet my husband is still telling me how much he can change. Do I give up a potential good relationship to give him the chance he so dearly wants? He talks about how much he loves me and how if I loved him going home would be easy. Well for me, love was never an issue for all those years. My husband took care of the extinguishing any love with his neglect. Maybe you can tell me why I should believe in his promises?

DawnD

Just like Dilo told you, getting her to believe you have changed is going to be a very hard task. Its possible she will stay and constantly be waiting for you to go back to your old ways. I don't know you personally, but I know my H will change for all of two weeks and then its back to normal. Very heartbreaking.
What I will suggest is sitting down, talking about both of your needs, and ask her to be specific. What do you need from me? What can I do to show you I care? Tell her that you are open to her pointing out to you when she thinks you may be falling back into old ways. Think some things out. When was the last time you went all out for her Bday or anniversary?? Start little, by getting to an okay place, and then keep proving yourself. Best of luck to you!

Evets

This is a big key. I have been guilty of falling back into old habits and attitudes but if you let her know that you are open to a little nudge now and then to help keep you on track, then it might help in the long run.

I very recently learned this very issue and came up with the same solution. I simply told my wife to 'help me' when it came to my habits.

I have a tendency to de-value her opinions. I grew up in a pretty controlling environment and have alot of control issues as a result. After 8 years of marriage she is at the point where she wants to leave me. There are alot of other factors involved (which I wont go into here), but she admits that it is as much her fault as mine since she rolled over and let it happen instead of standing up for herself.

I was acting as I was raised and honestly did not realize what I was doing. In our 8 years together, she has pointed it out on maybe 4 occasions. On those occasions, I immediately realized that she was right and I made adjustments to my attitude. Over time I would slowly revert back to my old habits, not out of disrespect or malice, but simply because it is how I have been all my life. But she would not point any of the changes out to me and it would be a very long time before it would come up again.

As she so pointed out to me recently..."You have to think before you open your mouth."