Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

Well, here we go. First post! This might be a bit long, sorry. Just want to put all the facts out there...

Alright, I'm an 18 year old female, have been with my 21 year old boyfriend for three and a half years, and have lived with him for one year. We lost our virginity to each other 6 months into our relationship, and frequently had sex. But over the last year and a bit, this has diminished. On average, we probably had sex once a week, twice if I'm lucky, and often go several weeks without. I am always the one to initiate it, and am usually pushed away, which really upsets me. Whenever he claims to have initiated it, it is always when I first initiate it, am rejected and get upset, so he then does it or tries to, just to keep me happy. I don't want pity sex. I want to be wanted.

He never acts interested during foreplay, and usually lies there, seemingly bored while he kisses or touches me. For a long time he has refused to kiss me with tongue, because he says he doesn't like it (and claims it has nothing to do with me being a bad kisser). But strangely, he almost always gives me head (I never ask for it). When we do have sex it is always good, I ALWAYS orgasm (and so does he...and no, I'm not faking), and I always make sure he knows I enjoyed it.

My boyfriend doesn't drink at all, he has only ever drunk water (crazy...I know). He doesn't take drugs, doesn't smoke, and frequently works out (he does wrestling). He is very fussy with food and only really eats very basic things; meat, rice, cereal, bread. He has issues with back pain, but they have never affected our sex life. He hasn't had a job aside from three lots of contract work in the entire time we have been together, which has caused some problems (I have never supported him financially) but nothing too serious. He has self image issues, and always complains that his muscles are too small and that he looks ****, but I always make sure he knows I think he is gorgeous. Same thing goes with sex, I always make sure he knows how fantastic he is in bed and that I am 100% satisfied, because I am! I just want MORE because I enjoy it so much, I don't think that is a bad thing.

Although I don't find myself attractive and am constantly unhappy with my appearance, many people tell me I am attractive. I am often chatted up by other guys, and am nice in return but do not flirt back. I tell him about any instance in which a guy makes a pass, or says something to me of that nature. Guys tell him that we make a great couple, that I am a catch and that he is lucky in front of me. I often point out attractive guys and ask him what he thinks, but I do the same thing with attractive girls. He has never seemed to have a problem with this.

I used to complain and get angry about our lack of sex, but stopped a long while ago straight after he told me it upset him. Since, I have tried to approach it in different ways, such as how his disinterest makes me feel, and telling him what I would like him to do in order for me to feel better about it, but to no avail. He has said that me talking about it makes him feel like **** and less of a man, which I completely understand, but then what am I supposed to do? Not talk about it at all and feel like less of a woman, and quietly suffer with my own feelings of being insecure and unhappy in the relationship?

I am just at a loss as to why is isn't interested in me sexually, and what to do about it. Last time I tried talking about it, we almost broke up. I love him, and I know he loves me. He isn't cheating on me...He isn't gay... So is it that he thinks he can do better? Is bored with me? I've tried everything...but nothing works. All I want is for him to look at me, grab me, and WANT to do me.

That's everything I can think of to say....So....What do you think? I am very appreciative if you actually bothered to take the time to read all that...Haha. Just wanted to get the facts out there.

Last edited by Ella09; 10-03-2010 at 03:02 PM.
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Old 10-03-2010, 04:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

Maybe he is having some other issues that you are not aware of. Things like money , the future or whatever could be weighing on his mind. He could also be wondering what he is doing with his life and if he fell in love too soon. It is very hard to say.

My wife just has no desire for sex. Some people just stop wanting sex.

Good luck!
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Old 10-03-2010, 04:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Lightbulb Re: Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

There may be that there is something that is medicaly wrong with your boyfriend here. There could be really anything that is going wrong. He could be just telling you, that is not you, and it is. It could be that he is wanting to try to sleep with other people seeing it has only been you... It could be anything. I do know though how this would make you, feel. Seeing, that I have had the same thing go wrong with me for many of years. My husband and me when we were dating back in 95 him and me we were always making love, he was always doing the four play stuff with me and me I was always giving him head- and he has always loved everything I have done for him...

We then ended up getting married- yeah the love making and that was still there until a year after our marriage and then things really died down and it went all the way down to once a week- then it went to once every two weeks, then once a month. Also it was I never got it unless he wanted it. As our marriage went on things remained that way. Then I always let him know that he needed to show me his affection, to let me know what I was doing that was so wrong and if it was not me that things had to change... It never did. I still stayed with him because I love him, and I know love making is not everything but it is a big part of it.

This past year he went back onto more meds- that still did the same as what the other ones did for him but they were another brand though. He once again stopped and this time it was all together and I did without for over a year and half. He is not on the meds now and after four months of not taking the meds things are now picking back up for me- just now the love making kind of sucks seeing that the meds he was taking also made him go down into size. It still feels good an all seeing he was my first that I had (I was willing to have) my first time I was raped)

So with your boyfriend it could be he is also taking some type of meds as I said, or it might be you, and he does not want to let you know. I am sure though may be he does want to know how it feels to be with someone else. Seeing that he is young- the younger guys do think different. Now, for my husband I was his first and he was 31 when him and I got together. We also waited six months before anythinig happen- but it was six months into our engagement- and we were together for a month before that. We knew each other for over a year before we started dating though...

I wish you all the luck there is though....
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

I feel your pain. My husband is the same way. My husband and I were each other's firsts, and now we have been married for 4 years and the sex is down to once a month. It has been at this rate almost since we got married. Right before him and I got married, I moved in with him and his brother. Then his sister moved in with us. H and I ended up living in the living room of this 1bed apt for the first few months of our marriage, and I was not at all comfortable having sex in the living room while his siblings were in the other room, neither was he, so we only had sex if they were gone, which was rare. Our whole marriage now we have had either his loser brother or loser sister living with us. Since then its like family and work and everything has just gotten in the way...or we let it get in the way. And we have kept this sad pace our whole marriage. When I asked my husband about our lack of sex he said that he was bored and "Why should I not try new experiences with other women? because I'm married?" I said "Of course because your married!!!" Whats ironic is that I am always the on to initiate sex and he has the gall to say he is bored with me? He never wants to try new things....where does he get to complain when he doesn't even give an effort? He complains about how I look, but I look the same as when we met, same weight and everything, and when we dated we had a LOT of sex. So now I wonder....now that he is at a better place in life, with his greencard, with a good job, all with my help of course, does he now think he can do better? He actually told me in that conversation that he does not want to be seen as the typical black man with a fat white woman...well dumb*** you should have thought about that before dating me. I swear...what happens to men when they get a good woman in their life? The get a big head and think they are so much better than you...they fail to realize that you are part of the reason they are successful.

I'm sorry I'm ranting on too much....I don't have any advice but just want to let you know there are women out here that empathize with you. I will keep an eye on this thread b/c I'd like advice for this same problem.

Stay strong.
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Old 10-13-2010, 11:45 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why isn't my boyfriend interested in sex?

Here is my advice... Get out. You're 18. You've been with this guy since your were 14 and you're just way too young to really know. But the problems you're having are a strong indication that he's not the one. You're putting too much into the whole thing. Are you ready to get married to this guy? If you say yes, then I think you're nuts! There is so much more to experience in life than what getting married at 18 can give you. Get an education and make sure you learn about living before you sell yourself out to a guy you've known since you were an adolescent. IMO, you're playing house and neither of you is mature enough to understand what it really takes to make it work. If you're not careful, you'll have a kid come along and then you'll have cast a mold that can't be changed. Don't get me wrong - kids are great. But you are yourself still one and you need to grow and live before you unwittingly commit to the obligations and responsibilities that accompany children/marriage and serious committment.

I speak this way after 24 yrs of marriage to a woman who was great in all ways but in the bedroom. We've made it this far with some good, some bad, and lots of work, but we probably won't be sharing a bed for much longer. Life offers more than sex; true. But true companionship and compatibility are a rare commodity and failure in bed is a metaphore for what lies ahead. I wish I knew this 24 years ago.

I hope you wake up from your strange little dream before it's too late!
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