General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I just found out that my wife of about 6 months used cocaine in college. I had a suspicion, and didnt really want to know but she told me anyway. She says probably a dozen times in four years. I have never used drugs of any kind before and am having a really hard time with this. Like..a really hard time. She never told me before we got married because she was afraid of how I would "react"...she was right, i didn't react well. Should I be freaking out? She said she hasnt used since college - but i just cant get the image out of my head of her snorting lines at a party. What should do? Help!
How long has your wife been out of college? If she just graduated, you might have some reason to be concerned. If that's been years ago and you have no evidence that she still uses, leave it in the past. Your wife would probably be less than thrilled if she knew everything you did before marrying her and chances are, she's done other things you really would prefer to not know about. What's more important is who and what she is, now.
She graduated 5 years ago and said she hasnt used since. Is 12 times in 4 years a lot? My problem is that it makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it and I dont know how to get over it.
There are over 1440 days in 4 years. She's not joining the Columbian cartel any time soon. Sure, it's illegal and I wouldn't condone using drugs, but if she's telling the truth, she wasn't an addict back then and you have no reason to suspect she is, now.
If it helps your stomach problems, try to recall if there is anything you have done in your past that you'd be embarrassed by. If she's otherwise a great wife, then be grateful.
Many people (myself included) did or do a lot of stupid things in college. What I can tell you is that cocaine can be an addicitive drug. If she used it 12 times in a 4 year span...well, that is simply an experment and she obviously did not take to it. Odds are she did a very minimal amount and it hasn't manifested into anything.
What concerns me about all of this is why did she feel compelled to tell you about this? You say you had a suspicion (why?) and didn't really want to know. It seems you are being extremely judgemental over something that most would find trivial. I would have to think there is a reason for that and maybe that reason needs to be examined so you can find some peace with the situation.
Actually, I'd be glad that she told me and I didn't find out from someone else. I used marijuana when I was younger (played in a hard rock band-it went with the territory) and would drink like a fish when I was in the Army, but my wife knows it's in the past, and no, she wasn't too thrilled to know either. I'd say drop it-she left it behind, and her life is with you now.
I can understand why she didn't tell you. She knew you'd be upset. And I'm a firm believer in not sharing information with a loved one that is going to unnecessarily upset them. Especially if said information will have no impact on your current lives. Unless she killed people, sold drugs, did a stretch in the joint or abused children I can't believe there's anything she's done before she met you that can't be forgiven and forgotten. And I know what I'm talking about. My spouse is more like you. Quite able to see me in a completely different light because of something I might have done before she ever met me. And not letting me forget it.
Don't be that person. I wouldn't say it strengthens a relationship.
I was suspicious because she is very attractive and tended school at the University of Miami. Those are probably shallow reasons to suspect something but they are why I did. She didnt tell me because of how I would react - which is exactly why I didnt want her to tell me. But she said going forward she wanted to be honest with me. I cheated on her once before we got engaged...she said she was over it...but now seems she's not. She said she didnt want to feel hypocritical about asking me to be honest when she wasnt being honest herself. That said - I still wish she hadnt told me. Ugh.
Get over it and I mean fast...worrying about the past will only hurt the future. Do you love your wife? Love who she is today? If it were not for trying coke, doing coke, she would not be teh person you fell in love with and love today. EVery experiance shapres who we are and who we become, so without that partying you msy never haf met her. She could have gone down a different path. She was kid in school...you were a kid once....did you ever steal? Are you a thief now, did thst experience change you?
Judging a loved ones past is childish and selfish, look at you at yourself and really look for what makes you sick? Are you jealous of not partying?
Be greatful it is over and she did it then and not now. My X judged my past ignored her own, learned no lessons and through everything away for partying.
Could this be a case of "who committed the biggest wrong"? Maybe you are taking what she did, just a little out of proportion to feel less guilt over what you did?
We all make mistakes. The fact that she learned from it, changed, grew, became a better person, is what you should be looking at. I hope the same is true for your cheating. You feel betrayed by something she did before she even knew you. You need to move past this and not look at her like she is some former druggie. Just like she need to not look at you like a cheater. Forgive and move on.
Dude what she did before she met you really isn't your place to judge as long as it wasn't too crazy. She tried drugs in college, who didn't? She obviously gave it up long ago. Sure coke is worse than pot but it's not like she was sharing needles. Let it go bro. Posted via Mobile Device
This is in her past and more than 5 years ago - just because you married her do you have the right to know EVERYTHING in her past - I bet she doesn't know all of yours.
So what...it was in college and more than 5 years ago - what are you freaking out about? And why does it matter if she just told you now - she hasn't touched it in 5 years - so what.
Get over it and fast - I agree - you're making a mountain out of a molehill...
Maybe I am overreacting but where I come from that just isnt done. maybe its a cultural thing that i just dont understand. she comes from a wealthy family...me, not so much. I guess i just havent been exposed to it as much as others.
I did just ask her though if she would tell our kids about it (down the road) and said "my parents never lied to me". I think that telling kids that there mom used blow in college is a HORRIBLE idea. Others?
Maybe I am overreacting but where I come from that just isnt done. maybe its a cultural thing that i just dont understand. she comes from a wealthy family...me, not so much. I guess i just havent been exposed to it as much as others.
I did just ask her though if she would tell our kids about it (down the road) and said "my parents never lied to me". I think that telling kids that there mom used blow in college is a HORRIBLE idea. Others?
No disrespect intended, but your view on culture or wealth is pretty ignorant. I read more of your thread...you cheated while dating, is that something only poor people do? Only wealthy people know how to forgive?
Being honest with kids is good thing, she is not going to tell them, "Mom got coked up an banged five guys!!", maybe the two of you could say, "Both of us made mistakes while growing up, mistakes that we are proud of, so if you are thinking of experimenting with drugs think again, it causes everyone around you nothing but pain."
You have other issues to worry about, like why are you caught up in the past, her past? Do you feel like you are not good enough?
If your wife loves you, is open with you then you are a lucky man. Focus on the now and growing together, digging up the past is only going to dig up your roots...the foundation you have poured together.
Wife used cocaine in college 
