I thought I will be happily married for 10 yrs soon but here I am confused and upset for the second time in our married life.
I guess most of you would have read my story here and there so a short recap. We were very close and loving couple for 7 yrs, He doesnt hang around with friends, no female friends, never had a girl friend before, love to spend time at home with wife (this is the man I married or thats what I was made to believe I m not sure). For me, then and now I'd like to spend every free min of mine with him. AFter our twins were born and he went to work in a neighbouring country to bring home more money our life had changed a lot. almost a year ago I went into ppd when I once accidently stumbled into a mail he had sent a female asking for pictures. He denied anything to do with it and promised that he will never hide anything from me or lie to me about anything in life esp abt his colleagues. I went for some counselling and we were happy again.
He had never ever brought me to his workplace or any family parties held at his workplace, he had been very discrete abt going out with his friends but after ppd he started sharing with me about his friends and to my surprise many of them were actually cheating on their wives while working overseas but I was glad that he shares with me about his friends. Now the problem started when I requested for him to let me access his work mail once, he agreed and gave me the pw. I found porn mails sent to him by his female collegue, she had sent it to 2 others who were close to my DH. He had not replied her or anything but had forwarded it to few others.
He knows that I want him to be very frank about such matters at work if it involves women, as long as he tells me I'll be fine with it. I also just found out that there are soo many girls working under him which he had never told me. I was sooo upset that i sent him some messages like y he did that and whether he's honest with me or not (he stays overseas and comes home twice a month). He got all mad abt that and started to yell at me that why am i questioning him when i dont trust him. my question to him was why he had not kept me informed of all these but he says I m ever accusing him of such things, he says he has nothing to do with the mails people send him when he had not replied them. He still has not given me an answer for my question. He is simply mad at me for not trusting him and questioning him. He avoids my calls and messages since yesterday.
I am not a control freak, all I want is to know about his colleagues and friends that he spends large amount of time, I m miles apart from him caring for two young kids and have no idea of anything if he doesnt tell me. Sure I can find out from others if I want to but thats not what I want, I want my DH to be honest with me as I am with him. So far in our 9++ yrs of married life I have never hid anything from him, he knows all my friends in and out and I dont have any male friends. I know he lies a lot on silly things and also came to know recently that he been out with his friends many a times while he tells me he's working. This happened years ago but I m starting to link everything together now.
Am I overreacting? Is this a silly matter or serious? both of us are allowed to surf porn alone or together, I also know that his male colleagues circulate such stuffs but never had known there are female colleagues doing this. I have made it very clear to him right from the start that I will never tolerate another women in our married life be it serious or jus a one time thing. This female collegue may mean nothing to him but I cant even stand the fact that they are working together and that she sends him such things. Deep inside I know he will never betray me but I am afraid that i m being a stupid.
Now how to solve this problem? It seems like the mail is nothing serious to him but its very upsetting for me. What should I do, he wont answer my calls and I also dont feel like talking to him about this.
Thanks for reading this long post, I just so stressed.
This is serious if you have lost trust in your husband and I will tell you now from past experience that if you have a 6th sense about things concerning other women, do not ignore it. Your intuition is usually right. If it takes finding things out from other sources, then you should do it so you are not stressing about being in doubt, either confirm your beliefs or find out he is being honorable about your marriage. But either way you need to find out the truth because and he needs to know how he is making you feel instead of ignoring you and dismissing your calls. If he can be open and honest about all these aspects and your worries, that will show he cares but if he is continually hiding things then I would try and find out the truth no matter how much it hurts so you can get to the bottom of the matter. I have been in few relationships where I intuitively felt something was amiss and I was always right. Especially if you have children involved it is very important to have a good relationship with your husband because if you do not, they will know something is wrong and in the long run it will hurt them too. Do not underestimate what you feel or that it is not important, you need validation just like every human. I hope your husband will eventually talk to you but to me (just my opinion), it sounds unfair, that he does not really involve you with work or coworkers. The almost complete separation is not normal in most marriages, unless he works for the government and has to keep his work to himself.
Thank you xhephon23 and gold907 for the concern and advice, really appreiciate that.
The problem has ended but definitely not the way I wanted it to. He tortured me to my limits ignoring my calls and messages but finally answered that he was just letting me suffer so that i know what it is to suffer. He said I have hurt him too much by the way I approached the matter and the things I said in the messages. He also said that he loves me too much and thats why it hurts when I dont trust him.
He did not explain much regarding the mail, he simply said he was gentleman enough to let me have his pw to access his mail and that the contents I saw are harmless. He said the women who emailed him the porn is nobody to him, in fact he didnt even see the porn more than two pages (it was many pages). well, he gave me a short lecture on trust. He warned me that if I were to make such stupid judgements again he would end everything.
I am still hurt, I understand that I was wrong in the way I approached him on the matter but I cant stand the fact that he makes it look like its all my fault and non is his. He also said that this is my problem and not his. I dont understand this part. I love him a lot, my heart says just throw everything that happened in the past few days and take all the love he is ready to offer but something else tells me that I shouldnt let him treat me like a elementary school girl. The biggest problem the two of us have is COMMUNICATION, I say too much and he says nothing. I asked if he would go counseling with me and he says I am the one who needs it and not him.
Is this silly or serious???
please help! If u all think I am wrong I am willing to appologize to get back our life on track.
