How can cheaters marry each other???
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question How can cheaters marry each other???

My brother's ex wife did this. She basically married the guy she was baning ( who was also married ). So my brother divorces her, he divorces his wife... then they decide... "Let's get married??"

What makes them think they have a chance of success??? I mean spiritually, you have no shot, since you both walk the wild side and cheated while married. Morally??? I mean you both choose to cheat. I don't know what the guy's wife was like, but as far as know my wife never mistreated this woman and she lived an extravagent lifestyle because of his earnings, but it seem like it wasn't enough. To me, how can they trust one another when they know what they are capable of. THink about it, one big argument, and if one comes home late, what's gotta be on the other person's mind And since kids is involved my brother has to go to the house of the person who helped ruin his marriage.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

I once read where 90% of all marriages born out of infidelity fail within 3 years. Much was attributed to the guilt associated with the failures of the prior relationships but ya gotta wonder, if he/she cheated before what are the chances that behavior will repeat. Multiply that by two cheaters together and the odds are pretty high someone will stray again. You reap what you sow. Go figure.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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@ Amplexor - I wholeheartedly agree!!! That's why i don't understand it. I guess they feel like their mutual situation allows this to be the best scenario for them both. But i give them 3-5 years... tops. People assume the grass is always greener... they are usually wrong.
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My ex-brother-on-law married his OW. It is funny to see that they cannot go anywhere, without the other. They even ended up finding a job, where they can work together, every day. BTW, he was a recovering alcoholic, who is drinking again, because "now I can handle it". haha
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Old 10-06-2010, 10:58 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

I would imagine they somehow justify the cheating on the issues within their previous marriage and are still in the 'bliss' of the new relationship thinking this won't happen now that they found their 'soul mate'...problem is, they never resolved the underlying issues of the first marriage, tend to find themselves finding the same issues in the new marriage once the excitement wears off, add in now blended family complications and it can deteriorate quickly.
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I would imagine they somehow justify the cheating on the issues within their previous marriage and are still in the 'bliss' of the new relationship thinking this won't happen now that they found their 'soul mate'...problem is, they never resolved the underlying issues of the first marriage, tend to find themselves finding the same issues in the new marriage once the excitement wears off, add in now blended family complications and it can deteriorate quickly.
But does this make them stick out the marriage longer, just because everyone's perception is that its doomed to fail??? I actually hope it does, let them wallow in a miserable relationship because of all the harm they'd do.

I tell myself all the time, even if i wasn't married, no way i'd bang a married woman, because i don't want to deal with the guilt of bing the reason why a home is broken apart. Let some other person handle that responsibility.
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

well.... their marriage is a curse instead of happpiness.
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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But does this make them stick out the marriage longer, just because everyone's perception is that its doomed to fail??? I actually hope it does, let them wallow in a miserable relationship because of all the harm they'd do.
I understand your point, but I don't look at it quite the same way. I get the idea of wanting Karma to get them. However, with children involved, I'd rather see the marriage succeed, not for the sake of the adults, but for the kids. The kids will have their lives uprooted and turned inside out all over again if this marriage fails. Not fair to them.

With that said, I do think they probably stick it out longer, out of pride. Who wants to have to admit that they did something wrong, which led to something else wrong, which led to the failure of a second (or third or tenth) marriage?

As for why they marry...same reasons as everybody else. They think they can make it work. They have either justified what they did, or have decided they did nothing wrong, and so in their minds, they have just as good a shot of making it work as any other couple.
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Old 10-06-2010, 12:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

I have 3 sets of friends all whose relationships started as affairs. No children were involved at the time, the relationships were in the tank and heading for divorce prior to the affairs - not that is excusable but it's a factor.

All are still happily married at, or in excess of 10 years. One of the 3 marriages has had 4 children. I was surprised to make this discovery.

I have always said, "Nothing good comes of an affair." I still believe that to be true in the short term, but I would be remiss to acknowledge that all 3 of them are now in better, happier relationships.

On the flipside I do think circumstances have a great deal to do with it. I have a hard time imagining my ex and TOM finding their feet in a balanced and healthy relationship. Could just be pride on my part, or knowing just how rocky their relationship has been, and the fact that our marriage still hasn't dissolved. Doesn't bode well.
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Old 10-07-2010, 01:25 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

Some people go into affairs exactly because they're miserable in a marriage. If they actually find a person to have an affair with, that they'd leave their marriage for, sometimes it's because that person is more compatible with them.

I'm not trying to say this makes things right. Heck, everyone should divorce instead of cheating! But i guess this is why some "affair" marriages work. It's like some people don't choose well and responsibly the first time, and then they find someone they can really connect with. On top of that, they get a new relationship, with no baggage, and they probably won't want to repeat the same mistakes.

Once a cheater isn't always a cheater unless we're talking about a person who did that 3+ times. There are plenty of people who do it once then regret it for the rest of their lives.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:23 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

Cheaters get married to each other as a blessing to the rest of us. Far better for two people to be miserable than four. If cheaters didn't find each other, they'd be free to prey upon decent folks, resulting in 4 unhappy people instead of just 2. If we could figure out how to get all alcoholics, drug addicts, sexless, abusive, and crazy people to follow their example and to only marry people of their own ilk, the world would be instantly improved.
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Old 10-07-2010, 06:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Rob774 View Post
My brother's ex wife did this. She basically married the guy she was baning ( who was also married ). So my brother divorces her, he divorces his wife... then they decide... "Let's get married??"

What makes them think they have a chance of success??? I mean spiritually, you have no shot, since you both walk the wild side and cheated while married. Morally??? I mean you both choose to cheat. I don't know what the guy's wife was like, but as far as know my wife never mistreated this woman and she lived an extravagent lifestyle because of his earnings, but it seem like it wasn't enough. To me, how can they trust one another when they know what they are capable of. THink about it, one big argument, and if one comes home late, what's gotta be on the other person's mind And since kids is involved my brother has to go to the house of the person who helped ruin his marriage.
When your brother was hurt by his cheating spouse, you also felt very hurt for him. I know you love your brother and you want to help him let go of the past... He needs to move on. Yes. It's very weird for cheaters to marry each other, but it also happened to my ex- parents in law, so in fact they're both cheaters, who had cheated and given up their own spouses. They're co-workers, working in the same company. As far as I know they've stayed in a faithful marriage, when many people wish something bad happens to them but never happens. They did mention about they're not happy in their past marriage and luckily they've found each other; however, the price is high because both of them have kids and the kids are now paying for the damages. My ex was one of the kids, and the damages actually past onto him and his siblings. Most of them have big relationship problems, some can't even get married still now. My ex had no idea how to respect people. We got divorced because of domestic violence. He beated me and our daughter who was only 1- year old baby. So in the end, the cheaters are getting pretty old but still stay together. Their cheated spouses are still suffering and can't let go the past...
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Old 10-07-2010, 09:36 AM   #13 (permalink)
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When your brother was hurt by his cheating spouse, you also felt very hurt for him. I know you love your brother and you want to help him let go of the past... He needs to move on. Yes. It's very weird for cheaters to marry each other, but it also happened to my ex- parents in law, so in fact they're both cheaters, who had cheated and given up their own spouses. They're co-workers, working in the same company. As far as I know they've stayed in a faithful marriage, when many people wish something bad happens to them but never happens. They did mention about they're not happy in their past marriage and luckily they've found each other; however, the price is high because both of them have kids and the kids are now paying for the damages. My ex was one of the kids, and the damages actually past onto him and his siblings. Most of them have big relationship problems, some can't even get married still now. My ex had no idea how to respect people. We got divorced because of domestic violence. He beated me and our daughter who was only 1- year old baby. So in the end, the cheaters are getting pretty old but still stay together. Their cheated spouses are still suffering and can't let go the past...
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Interesting you bring up the kids. He has 2 boys, which live with her. So u can imagine my brother's angst in all of this. Bad enough you cheat, now this person who you shagged has to be around my kids. He found out his first son wasn't his... she was kind enough to tell this son who was 16 at the time that your father ... really isn't your father. My brother was never going to tell him the truth, because he felt like what's the point all these years later, its still his son in his eyes.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How can cheaters marry each other???

My first impression would be that (a) they belong with each other and (b) they will fail in their marriage.

But then I look at my brother in law. Marriage was in shambles, he had an affair with a woman 14 years younger than him, divorced, got married to the OW and for the past 15 years they have been the perfect couple.

If it's someone who just goes out and cheats because they can (which is the minority of cheaters), then yes, I think a subsequent marriage is doomed. But if it is someone whose marriage is already in deep trouble, I would think that when these people remarry they are looking at marriage with a different perspective and maybe can make it work with the right partner.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Interesting you bring up the kids. He has 2 boys, which live with her. So u can imagine my brother's angst in all of this. Bad enough you cheat, now this person who you shagged has to be around my kids. He found out his first son wasn't his... she was kind enough to tell this son who was 16 at the time that your father ... really isn't your father. My brother was never going to tell him the truth, because he felt like what's the point all these years later, its still his son in his eyes.
So bad this woman! She's crazy!
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