healingheart

He made me feel like old used up trash. I let him make me feel that way. The divorce was messy and expensive and ugly and I regret it all. Somewhere along the way he decided to become a Pick Up Artist. The day after our mediation, he got a hair transplant for a receding hairline. He sas trying to do everything to win the girl over. She had told him once she moved to the town….he told me this…that she didn’t feel about him like he did for her. She didn’t want to even be his friend. He flipped and started working to pick up women. He told me about one in our other town. He drove a long way to hook up with her. He said she was ugly, but he was just practicing his “Game” on her. I know he had sex with her, but he lied to me about it. Then he tried this oriental girl from a dating sire. HE was taken by her, but she shot him down. I guess he kept perfecting his game until he met the girl he is with now. He told me she is nice, but not long term. He does fun things with her that we never did together. He does things that I wish we would have done, but I just folded up and stopped being able to have fun with all of the crap that happened in my life while we were married.
I am embarrassed to say that we have hooked up a lot and he tells me about her now that I caught him lying about her. She is young and he says nice. She is kind of dumb, not on a track to do much with her life at her age, but yet he is with her and not me. He says that she doesn’t mean that much, but that is just his game in playing me to have sex with me still. I am sure that if she knew, she would be hurt. I don’t want her to hurt like I did, so even though I still love him, I am breaking off all communication with him. I can’t put myself through any of the pain again. I don’t know who he is, but the wonderful, kind, loving man I knew isn’t there anymore that I can see. I know I deserve more. I am older, but I am very beautiful. I got fat while we were married, but I have lost tons of weight during all of this and have a great figure. Making the decision to cut off all contact is so hard. I am going to have to go against everything I have known and ignore him. If I don’t do this, if I don’t move past this, I will never respect myself.
My therapist says I need to love myself….and I am struggling with what that means to me. I don’t hate myself, but I hate some of my life and things that I have done. My ex says I hurt him so much during our marriage, that I was verbally abusive. I know I had to have been, but it really wasn’t an decision that I made. I was so messed up, carrying so much pain, not wanting to admit how screwed up my life had been, that I must have taken it out on him. I struggle with wanting to know what I did to hurt him. I never want to do that to another person. If what I did made him feel that way he does to me, to stop loving me, I am so sorry.
I don’t think he wants to know. I don’t think he wants to see the good times and the goodness that I brought, he is only able to see the bad. It is like being whipped and beat. I am ashamed that I hurt him. I am ashamed that I didn’t get help. I wish he could tell me exactly what I did and try and understand what a victim of the type of abuse I had as a child does to someone when they don’t get help. I am so afraid of being in any kind of relationship again. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
Am I over him? No. I will always love him for loving me when no one else did. I will love him for all of the wonderful things he did for me. I will love him for who he was. Did I deserve the treatment I got in the last year? No.
No one deserves to have their home, life, foundation of being ripped from them. I didn’t plan on any of the things I did. I don’t deserve any of the pain from this. I will make new friends in this new town, meet other men and try and have healthy relationships. I hope that my ex fixes himself and understands that he played a big part in all of this. He could have communicated with me. We should have talked. We loved each other so deeply, but we didn’t know how to help each other or ourselves.

I have left out some things just because there is so much to say. I have held this in for over a year and I have to let it go. I want to love myself completely and forgive the things that the little girl in me let happen. I have forgiven my parents for not protecting me, and I have forgiven the people who did horrible things to me. I have forgiven my ex. I have to forgive myself.
My son is my life and a wonderful support as I try and pull myself together. I am alone in a tiny little place with my dogs and I just try my hardest to do better day by day.