General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I don't know why this showed up as a link a few hours back, perhaps because I'm spending too much time here, but it seems a lot of us, even the youngsters, have a sex life that is awful.
NPR recently reported that marriage rates are falling.
September 28, 2010 ... Marriages have been declining for years due to rising divorce, more unmarried ... say younger people are also now increasingly choosing to delay marriage as they ...
Before they got married, she confronted the situation. “I told Scott he’d be better off with someone who enjoys sex,” Kathleen says. “He told me, ‘I’d rather be with you and never have sex for the rest of my life than not be with you.’ ” Five years on, she believes he’s been true to his word.
So we see exactly the "nice guy" scenario played out in all the dismal glory.
Concerning affairs:
Quote:
The common assumption, of course, is that someone’s going to cheat. Twenty-six percent of the married or partnered participants in the Georgia State study had been unfaithful. In Natalie’s case, ironically, her husband wasn’t the one who strayed. A month after they returned from their honeymoon (“We had sex twice. We had to. Otherwise it would have been too pathetic”) she found herself entangled with a married man, feeling something she had all but given up on: turned on. Big time. “When you don’t have sex for a while, it’s almost like your body forgets what it feels like. I thought I just wasn’t a sexual person anymore,” she says. The affair, though brief, proved otherwise. “It was like you introduced a bunch of chemicals back into my body. I felt like I was on drugs, like a 13-year-old, as if I could just lie around feeling that way all day,” she says. “It was really, really fun. And very difficult to resist.”
So we see very much spelled out the fog of the affair, which we know on this forum is indeed just as the addiction of a drug!
Quote:
The affair woke her up to something else, too: The fact that her low sex drive was a symptom of a bigger problem. “Getting married is an inconvenient way to find out someone isn’t right for you,” she says. They’re trying therapy, but she doesn’t seem very optimistic.
Again just this, for all good men and women who are still not seeing this, just because a man is not lighting the fire in his woman, does not mean around the corner will be the affair man to light it up in her absolutely!
Do not be content with sexless relationships!
Do not assume to be married to an "assexual person" that has "changed" over time!
These are illusions and lies we are telling ourselves.
To stoke passion and sexual fires, it is for the good man and woman to embrace the structures of sexual attraction!
As the man strives to dominate, the woman strives to be dominated! To ignore this, is to live our lives as nothing but gender neutral roomates. Who wants that? NOt me!
So all good men and women reading this, learn to embrace confrontation, to use conflict and confrontation to bury this resentment in our relationships and replace resentment with the fire of sexual passion!
Good men and women, do not be content to be miserable!
I quoted the parts of you message I whole heartedly agree with. The parts I left out are also germane, mostly from the article.
I've found your posts to be more than useful, I'm a nice guy but I'm not putting up with a lack of truly joyous, intimate sex for much longer. I'm moving out in November, this half life is not enough.
Mark
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBadWolf
From the Elle Sexless article.
Again just this, for all good men and women who are still not seeing this, just because a man is not lighting the fire in his woman, does not mean around the corner will be the affair man to light it up in her absolutely!
Do not be content with sexless relationships!
Do not assume to be married to an "assexual person" that has "changed" over time!
These are illusions and lies we are telling ourselves.
To stoke passion and sexual fires, it is for the good man and woman to embrace the structures of sexual attraction!
... To ignore this, is to live our lives as nothing but gender neutral roomates. Who wants that? NOt me!
So all good men and women reading this, learn to embrace confrontation, to use conflict and confrontation to bury this resentment in our relationships and replace resentment with the fire of sexual passion!
Good men and women, do not be content to be miserable!
So how, do I as the woman who is being denied sex from her husband change it - you're posts are all about the men and dominating, etc. What if the shoe is on the other foot? Now of course you know from my previous posts that we have other issues going on (medical).
But how do I TAKE BACK THE REINS? I'm already dominate - I'm already calling the shots and its not working...he is dominate also (when he needs to be) and I've been trying to give him back part of his pants that he gave me a long time ago.
But I - as a woman - HOW DO I GET WHAT I NEED? Now of course I can't get any advice on the medical part unless you've lived it, but what else can I do that I haven't already done.
I've done:
- Attractive - weigh what I did when we got married - he's even said I'm pretty - so not the issue.
- Have dominated, role played - have the dress up outfits (hell even got a wig so I could be someone else).
- Do the toys, do the movies, the whipped cream, you name it.
- Even got into swinging so it wasn't the same ole', same ole'.
- Asked him what he wanted and am doing it when we do have sex.
Still have issues - so what the HELL is the problem. He does have medical issues (some ED), but I don't think that's the whole story - so what am I missing here - I'm desperate and willing to listen to anybody on anything at this point - I'm beating myself to death here!
Been living this one for almost 2 years now following an always-unstable and mostly non-physical 18 year relationship, 15 years of marriage. I had to chuckle over the 'asexual' woman in the article who commented that they had sex twice on their honeymoon because otherwise it would have been 'too pathetic'-we didn't have sex at all--I was secretly glad he was so drunk he fell asleep after the wedding. Now THAT'S pathetic with a capital 'P'.
I believe there have always been other reasons than love driving people to marry--money seems to be the most common, but it was not mine. If you had asked me then if I loved him on the day we wed, I would have confidently and boldly said 'YES'. 15 years later, though, I can clearly see that he married me to avoid co-habitating with family members, and I him because he treated my little boy very well. Fast forward to now, add time, age, stress, body image, hurts, resentments, alcohol, food addiction, and all the rest (and I'm just getting started here), and you know deep down inside that it was never really solid at all, your house of cards. I think the only reason we are still here is because of our youngest. So we smile, we eat together, we go to soccer and basketball games, and there's the occasional watching of a movie. Neither of us is motivated in our jobs, our home, each other or ourselves. As far as I'm concerned it's a waiting game, and I often wonder which one of us is going to leave.
I realize it's your life - but girl, you have to get a new one - life is too short for that crap.
My only really BIG issue in my marriage that I see now is the sex part and some of that is medical in nature - if that could get solved - I'd be on top of a mountain whistling dixie!
If I felt this way about my husband, I would leave and I would hope he would leave if he felt this way.
I can honestly say I love my husband as much, or more than the day I married him and would I do it over again - YES. Now I can't answer for him, but this is how I feel.
I hope you reach out and find the happiness that has alluded you even if it means leaving the marriage. You don't want to be on your deathbed and think about "what you didn't do" - you want to reflect on "what you've done."
That is the rub. You don't. Not from this man. You are left to decide if the qualities and benefits of your relationship outweigh the damage wrought by his lack of desire.
I got there - and decided to move on. So did she. She rediscovered 'the spark' with someone else. I actually sent her the link to this article.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedWifeInLove
Okay - BBW, here you go.
So how, do I as the woman who is being denied sex from her husband change it - you're posts are all about the men and dominating, etc. What if the shoe is on the other foot? Now of course you know from my previous posts that we have other issues going on (medical).
But how do I TAKE BACK THE REINS? I'm already dominate - I'm already calling the shots and its not working...he is dominate also (when he needs to be) and I've been trying to give him back part of his pants that he gave me a long time ago.
But I - as a woman - HOW DO I GET WHAT I NEED? Now of course I can't get any advice on the medical part unless you've lived it, but what else can I do that I haven't already done.
I've done:
- Attractive - weigh what I did when we got married - he's even said I'm pretty - so not the issue.
- Have dominated, role played - have the dress up outfits (hell even got a wig so I could be someone else).
- Do the toys, do the movies, the whipped cream, you name it.
- Even got into swinging so it wasn't the same ole', same ole'.
- Asked him what he wanted and am doing it when we do have sex.
Still have issues - so what the HELL is the problem. He does have medical issues (some ED), but I don't think that's the whole story - so what am I missing here - I'm desperate and willing to listen to anybody on anything at this point - I'm beating myself to death here!
I thought the article was great and fairly honest. There is no magic bullet or secret potion. Be open, honest, have the hard talks, work together towards common goals and dreams, and yes talk about sex too.
My wife isn't the aggressor and never will be. Except for the 17-22 years I don't think she ever has been. Ya know at that age you're like a bunny
There is a big difference between being the aggressor and having sex vs your spouse being the aggressor and having sex.
My wife is 95% willing to satisfy my advances in one way or another.........her being the aggressor that locks the door because she wants sex......that is rare.
Be open, honest, and communicate!!
As far as the "spark", "hot steamy", it's very hard to keep that for any length of time. It doesn't mean sex isn't fun and awesome, but sex for 20 years just won't invoke the feeling of "A piece of strange" as a guy friend of mine puts it. That goes for anything with life we become accustomed and acclimated to whatever is. That's when logic has to override emotion.
That is the very concession that many people make, in order to rationalize a sexless relationship. I did, for years.
If only the low libido partner would employ the same strategy to keep their partner feeling engaged and healthy, this forum wouldn't be quite so full of "my partner doesn't want sex." posts.
^^^^^^^
That's where the communication part comes in. I guess if you have those hard talks about needs, wants, desires, short comings, insecurities, on a gut wrenching level and there still isn't change. Someone is being very selfish!!
As a man in a 42 year marriage that now has no intimacy at all left in it, let me tell you it can be a hell on earth. After we seperated and she lived with another guy she met online off and on for 4 years. Coming and going at random (yes, I kept accepting her back, my bad). Now the last 4 years she tells me I forced her to do what she did and things can never be the same. Do I love her, of course, am I 'in love with her', probably not anymore. She is in failing health and I feel bound to take care of her, but living in a now 7 year almost emotionless marriage after 35 years of a wonderful marriage, I find myself wanting some female companionship and affection. So probably this makes me a husband looking for an affair and labels me a cheater. I don't know what to do. I will not divorce her, she filed 3 divorces in the 4 years she was gone and cancelled all of them. Any suggestions ?, anyone else in this boat ?. How do you cope ?
I'm in a different boat, I'm 61, useful parts seem to be 17, my wife is 58, we've been together "only" 26 years and used to have a good marriage.
After two lousy years w/o real intimacy she has finally listened to me and wants to stay married on her terms.
A friend died this past summer, pushing me over the edge of realizing that my life could end tomorrow, making this even more real, I was rear ended Monday afternoon due to the actions of a truly evil man.
I'm fine, but I will no longer cater to my wife, she can be with me when I move, most days I don't want her to, she can stay in our beautiful, almost completely remodeled house in a boring town 65 miles NE of Times Square and live her life having made some choices that suit her.
I'm going to assume your wife, despite failing health, may have a number of years left, if her end is coming a lot sooner, please disregard the following, I know it sounds uncaring and you are clearly another "nice guy".
I hope you are in very good health, as you must be in your mid 60s, I urge you to separate physically, you can continue to care for her from a distance, at this point your boat is going under, her multiple divorce filings, her words, her actions a strong indicator that you should live a life with real companionship. Being with my wife these days is sometimes worse than living alone, I don't want to die in these circumstances, and want to find real friendship and love.
As for me, I just confirmed plans to rent an apartment in San Francisco in mid November.
The boats we are in are definitely leaking, as a non-believer in eternal life, I'm steering towards the nearest beach, hoping there are no large rocks in my way.
Good luck,
Mark
Quote:
Originally Posted by redcatcherb412
As a man in a 42 year marriage that now has no intimacy at all left in it, let me tell you it can be a hell on earth. After we seperated and she lived with another guy she met online off and on for 4 years. Coming and going at random (yes, I kept accepting her back, my bad). Now the last 4 years she tells me I forced her to do what she did and things can never be the same. Do I love her, of course, am I 'in love with her', probably not anymore. She is in failing health and I feel bound to take care of her, but living in a now 7 year almost emotionless marriage after 35 years of a wonderful marriage, I find myself wanting some female companionship and affection. So probably this makes me a husband looking for an affair and labels me a cheater. I don't know what to do. I will not divorce her, she filed 3 divorces in the 4 years she was gone and cancelled all of them. Any suggestions ?, anyone else in this boat ?. How do you cope ?
That is too eerie, I am 61, her 58 but we met at 17/14 yrs old and married in '68. She has Emphysima and COPD, on nightime oxygen. Recovering from colon surgery this year. And yes, I feel I have to take care of her after virtually our whole life together. I miss just the companionship and just plain affection we had, that is all gone. My hugs or snuggling is met by remarks of 'groping' like I am a perv on an elevator and it is disheartening. I don't know if I have it in me to do what you are doing at this point, but best of all to you. Oh, and by the way guys, the biggest mistake I ever made was trying to be open and to 'communicate' to her my feelings a month or so ago and described our current relationship in my eyes as 'Housemates'. I have barely recovered my hearing from the yelling and screaming at I got for that one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThinkTooMuch
I'm in a different boat, I'm 61, useful parts seem to be 17, my wife is 58, we've been together "only" 26 years and used to have a good marriage.
After two lousy years w/o real intimacy she has finally listened to me and wants to stay married on her terms.
A friend died this past summer, pushing me over the edge of realizing that my life could end tomorrow, making this even more real, I was rear ended Monday afternoon due to the actions of a truly evil man.
I'm fine, but I will no longer cater to my wife, she can be with me when I move, most days I don't want her to, she can stay in our beautiful, almost completely remodeled house in a boring town 65 miles NE of Times Square and live her life having made some choices that suit her.
I'm going to assume your wife, despite failing health, may have a number of years left, if her end is coming a lot sooner, please disregard the following, I know it sounds uncaring and you are clearly another "nice guy".
I hope you are in very good health, as you must be in your mid 60s, I urge you to separate physically, you can continue to care for her from a distance, at this point your boat is going under, her multiple divorce filings, her words, her actions a strong indicator that you should live a life with real companionship. Being with my wife these days is sometimes worse than living alone, I don't want to die in these circumstances, and want to find real friendship and love.
As for me, I just confirmed plans to rent an apartment in San Francisco in mid November.
The boats we are in are definitely leaking, as a non-believer in eternal life, I'm steering towards the nearest beach, hoping there are no large rocks in my way.
Elle magazine on sexless marriages 
