lobokies

well you coulld read my previous thread ... telling about my marriage:
excuse me

deep feeling (reconcilliation signs)


i found out about the A in 2007 and immediately set the Divorce. 3 years later, i found this website on september and perhaps i could tell that it has changed my perspective on how to deal with the marital affair. bofore that, i kept thinking that the A should be dealt with divorce only no matter what kind of it(EA, PA, SA etc).

last week, i just got reconcile with wife after i found that my feeling and mind told me to do so. seriously, when i read many threads on this web and several times felt interested by Affaircare and T'pete suggestion on answering people dilemma about infiidelity. FYI, i had been bannned and warned by Admin due to several of my hasrsh posts. i hate cheaters so much and if they posted their story, i came to reply with bad words.

it was the first time in my mind that i should forgive wife and give her another chance of the Marriage and it was after i found this website, i also join several relationship forum but i spend my time more to this forum.

so here the things, after getting back with her, i had a problem dealing with my emotion. i feel like sometimes my hate feeling towards her comes up and makes me want to ignore her. but i know that i should fight it.

i do not know if my decision to get back with her was decided in quick mode only within 4 days of thinking, this is longer than the time i neded to set the D. indeed, i still love her and she allowes me to cheat on her as the consequencies of her fault in the past. but i won''t

when the hate feelings came, i felt hard to overcome and i always reacted to hug her in tears to overcome this and said her "I Love U".

man, even i've prayed to God for this. i still hardly fight this.
i need your support and prayer to me on this.

and i appreciate for every of your support.

AFEH

Lobokies, I made up my mind I couldn’t live with a woman I feel so much bitterness and resentment for. I think those things put a big block on love. I simply couldn’t love someone while at the same time have strong dislike and anger for them. It’s just not me, not who I am. My wife could and did do it, I couldn’t.

I’m near 12 months separated from my wife and I can see the past good in her and I’m sad those days are gone. But my wife was a changed person and I couldn’t love who she became.

I haven’t a clue how you resolve the issues you have. My choice is to not have them in the first place because I couldn’t see how I could resolve them.

Has your wife shown deep remorse and asked you to forgive her? If she hasn’t then I’d guess that’s the biggest part of your problem.

Bob

lobokies

hi Bob

thanks for responding.

yes she is remorseful and she has begged me to forgive her. sometimes, when she looked at me, she cried and it has happened since the divorce. when we were together during the divorce, she always had her tears in her eyes when seeing me and my son played. during the divorce, i had to be with her when accompanying our son. we were good partner but we never acted romanticly or doing loving action in front of our son, this made my son asking why we never kissed or held hands together anymore

and since 3 years of divorce, so far she has never had affair with anybody. she focussed on our son and never acting inappropriate to males. her close friends told me and many people we've known told me that she never thought to have another relationship since divorce and seems to be solitaire lady. one interested thing was she had a big picture of mine on the wall of her room. every morning when woke up and before sleeping at night, she kissed that photo.

i asked her 2 days agoabout her sex appeal since divorced and she said that she masturbated and looked at my photo(LOL). but mostly she ignored the sex appeal and did other things went it came.

i know BOB, ur wife is no longer the same as you feel. i understand your feelings and its your choice to carry the dislike to her.

but do not consider i will not leave my wife when she does it again. if it happens, there is a possibility i will harm her.

AFEH

Well I think you are a lucky man in a way Lobokies. Your wife’s still in love with you, she’s authentically remorseful and she’s asked you to forgive her. Plus you have confirmation from others that your wife didn’t go with anyone else. With regards to her affair I can’t see how she can do more than that. Can you?

So I guess the rest is up to you?

The antidote to bitterness and resentment is forgiveness. And forgiveness is a process, you may want to Google it if you don’t know the process. If you can’t forgive then I don’t see how you are going to get over it.

Have you had either personal or couples counselling?

Bob

lobokies

i'm not interested to go counselling but she is. i told her, we will take care of all matter of our marriage.

for your information she had an affair cause at that time she was seduced by the ****ing man (he had died in car accident, this is very good as he deserved this) and feel vulnerable that time. she considered that was a mistake and she said probably she felt so weak and foooled. when she realized that is her weakness she set boundaries not to be closed to males after divorce which could make her fall into temptation again.as i told on my previous thread, the day i found them together that was a farewell. she proved with the emails that she has saved from 3 years ago and those mails are finally useful. the conversation seems like this:

she: i dont know, why we get through this evil
relationship. every day, i fight my mind to end this. i dont
have feeling for you and i am very confused why i still
need to meet you. one side of mine want this to end but
the other side go opposite of it.
OM: i will assure you that you will be more comfortable with
me. i know this is a bad things but please come to me
as i missed u so much for 1.5 months long not seeing you.
she: you dont understand my feelings, i hurt my family my
husband and my son. i cant do this anymore i hate this
and i dont want we meet again. this is enough, 4 times i
slept with you and 4 huge regrets came to me. we should
end this and stay away from me for the sake of my life, i
will admit this to my husband whatever the consequencies
but i will never want to ****ed up with you anymore.
please understand me. this is the worst mistake in my life
and lots of cried happened to me everyday
OM: ok. i need u to meet me for a farewell. just once. please
she: no. when i said enough, then is enough. please do not
contact me anymore. find other woman that suits you and
live a good life.
OM: i beg you. please i miss u so much. i promise the farewell
will not hurt your feelings. just talking and no more kiss or
even sex.
she: i will consider this and inform you when to meet. i will call
you when i have the date.
OM: thank you i appreciate your decision. miss u so
much.


but the above could not stop me to divorce her.


The antidote to bitterness and resentment is forgiveness

i like this and it punches my face. i will try to forgive her completely even it is hard and i know PROCESS is not easy and immediate.

AFEH

Wow Lobokies your post gives a real good insight into the minds of these creeps the TOMs. All they’re after is sex on the free. Why some women can’t see straight through them I just don’t know.

You wont go to counselling? Have you seen the signature of one of the moderators here? Swedish “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. Albert Einstein”. That’s why people go because they recognise they don’t have all the answers. Surely only a stubborn mule wont go to counselling?

Well done with starting on the path to forgiving. Remember it’s important to be able to forgive yourself as well.

What do you mean by punches your face, never heard that expression before.

Bob

lobokies

it reminds me.

i ask you Bob, does counselling answer or solve all the infidelity problem

i ask your experience of counsellng. tell me if you had it

lobokies

and tell me if counselling guarantees no further infidelity.

AFEH

Well that's a fair challenge Lobokies and you know what I don't know.

But that wasn’t the reason to suggest counselling. The reason I mentioned is that you somewhat understandably seem stuck in the past and if we’re not careful our past can steal our present. I thought counselling may help you come to terms with the past and get back to enjoying the present and future.

I’m a little in the same situation myself. I think it very important to enjoy the present and I try and do that every day. Just got back from a walk along the bay for that very reason. Tides been really high and there’s seaweed all over the walkways, boats tossed onto the footpaths.

Bob

lobokies

Bob

Thanks for your thought. first, apologize that i was too emotional on the previous post. i realize that i should consider your suggestion and the most important thing is that you are my senior in Marriage life. your suggestion is not bad for me.
you are right that i need to be careful on the next step.

i still have to learn from experienced person like yourself. maybe i will go alone first for the counselling to my priest. i trust religious person more than psychologist.

AFEH

It’s ok Lobokies, you’re hurting.

I don’t know what religion you are, I was brought up as a Protestant but I’m not at all religious in the church going sense. I took just a few lessons that work well for me. One of them was forgiveness. “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. What I understand by that is that at the time a person does something “wrong” they have no idea what the consequences are for themselves or the people they love. They only learn of the consequences later and if they’re good people with a good heart and soul they become repentant and remorseful. That, through what you have told me is how I am seeing your wife.

Now you could give her a life long sentence for her infidelity by holding it against for the rest of the time you two are together. I think maybe you can see now just how unfair of you that would be. She’s probably punished herself in one way or another quite a bit already. In a way maybe you should release her from that sentence and just take the risk and trust her again.

I think it will be a major step forward for you to talk with your priest.

Bob

lobokies

thanks Bob. you really hit me.

i am a protestant, it is right that forgiveness is the prove of Love.
when i was in divorce period, i almost hated why Jesus teach us to forgive. long time ago when i was young, i was a servant in my church. i played organ and helping the sunday school. i always said to myself that forgiveness is the key that Him saved us. when i was 19, i felt that God is too much kind that He did not give the reward equal to my sin and i felt that i did not deserve to have His mercy.

you got me Bob, here i am now. for me, i am not yet ready to completely forgive her but my heart told me to do it. no matter how hard, i am going to put effort in it.

now i am going to the next phase and need your support also and of course your prayer.

thx Uncle Bob