jsriho

I've been in a very long relationship with my current fiancee 5+ years. The last two years have been quite difficult, they were long distance and I was cheated on and lied to over a period of an entire year. We broke up and got back together, eventually planned for her to move from abroad to live with me, I graduated found a job and everything was set, however she was constantly being indecisive and this always worried me, caused me to get a bit paranoid and upset and caused us to break up again...

A few months later she calls crying saying she made a mistake and wrote me a really nice letter explaining her feelings and saying that she loves me etc and wants to be with me asap. I was shocked as this came out of nowhere and I was initially cautious but happy we may just have a nother chance to make things work.

However for some odd reason, after the initial 'high' she just seemed to for some reason lose interest. She needs a visa to come here, but won't get it. She states she is trying to slowly talk to her parents about us, since after all the problems we have been through they no longer trust her decisions and she needs time to prepare to come here and for marriage. I said well instead I will come and visit for a while, then... to my surprise she shows no enthusiam and says it isn't a good idea until she talks to her parents about her plans. So I'm basically stuck wondering if I'm even in a relationship.. (her parents are strict but they do like me)

After being cheated on initially by her, long distance make me extremely anxious and although I try not to be paranoid I can't shake it off completely... even after I found out she was cheating and she said it was over, I knew she still lied about contacting him... Trust is a big issue and the long distance isn't making it any easier. She doesn't want me to talk to her family until we completely decide what we are going to do, so pretty much noone knows about us being back together... (this alone sends of warning signals to me, but it is a thin line between paranoia and being smart it seems...)

It is 5 months since she told me she wants to fly to see me asap... and still we are no further towards making the move than 5 months ago. She keeps saying she needs time to decide... but as far as I was concerned she gave me the impression the decision was already made... now suddenly she wants to backtrack again? (for the 3rd time).

I understand everyone gets cold feet and I've tried to be supportive, and keep my anxiety and paranoia under control and trust her, but from my point of view it just seems like she is making excuse after excuse to delay... but for what reason?

Everytime I say I want to break up, she panics and will send me a barrage of emails, will call me multiple times and tell me she doesn't want to break up and that she loves me... and fear that I've blocked her. If I don't email her for a few days she will send multiple emails... however if i want to contact her or talk to her sometimes she won't reply for a day or two, even though she is unemployed at the moment and basically is free all day... so its a case of me sending her multiple emails asking her is she okay why are you replying to her emails, then me getting pissed off and ignoring her and then she sends multiple emails doing the same thing... this back and forth game of just goes on and on and makes me wonder what is this all about.

Why would a girl say she loves someone, say she misses them badly, get scared of breaking up, but act so indifferent and seemingly delay and block all attempts for us to meet up.
She says we will meet soon she is getting all the plans in place, but I don't know what to believe ... I just don't know what she is playing at... It honestly feels like she is just holding me... she says all the right things to me, but still nothing ever happens, she won't get the visa or anything... I told her while sorting things out with your parents, apply for the visa at the same time... she doesn't do it....

It feels like she is just holding me for some reason, afraid to let go, but also afraid to be with me... I don't quite get it.

Is she holding me while she tries to get back with the guy she cheated with on? I don't know... i hate to think that and I have trusted her, but being a logical person I just can't think of any other explanation... for her behaviour now.

I know that was long winded but maybe someone with a different perspective might see something I'm missing...

Thank you for reading...

Frost

Based on all that has happened and is happening now, I get the same gut feelings as you expressed. Seems like you have become her backup plan while she pines away for this other guy who is playing her along.

I'm not sure what's the best advice to give you, because I'm sure there is more to the overall picture. As an unbiased person with no feelings for her, it would be simple decision for me (I would walk away), but obviously is not so simple for you after all these years.

What I can say for certain is that if you have doubts or she has doubts it is not wise to commit yourself to marriage until all the doubts can be satisfactorily washed away and you both have full trust of each other.

CH

LDR do not work (almost all of the time, so for you 1% or 2% out there who say it works, shhhh...)

Cut your losses and get on with your life. You don't live with her or know her at all, cut off all contact and find someone local.

I did a LDR for about 1 1/2 yrs, saw her 3 times, lots of letters, phone calls, etc...In the end, it was just the thought of having someone to talk to was all that it was, there wasn't really love, aside from the puppy love. On the phone and with letters/e-mail, people always make themselves out to be this terrific person that's perfect for each other. The minute they start living together, most of the time each one will say WTF did I just get myself into.

My wife and I lived together for 6 or so years before we decided to get married. By that time we had either gotten accustomed to or learned each other's good and bad habits.