gidget5

In need of advice because my husband and I can't agree and are fighting constantly.

I am currently a stay at home mom with another baby on the way.

My husband has a great job with a great company but has recently been contacted by a head hunter who is trying to get him to take a job in another state. The place, where this job is located, is a place I do NOT want to move.

We used to live close to my family, where he had another great job until he was head hunted here, only 2 years ago. And although, I was upset, I got on board because I could find "pros" instead of just cons.

But now he is already looking for another move up.

He is very upset that I am not on board. I feel like I am being flexible in the situation because I am open to moves in general (although I would like to stay in one spot) but I don't want to move to this place. All I find are "cons!"

1) Right now, he has a short commute to work and still gets home around 7pm every night.. leaving little time with the kids. If we move to this big city - the commute will be 45-1hr. (each way). He will have a bigger commute with less family time.

2) Housing. Because of our issues (his disability) we have to live in a newer style ranch. This city does not have any newer style ranches under $800k within 45 minutes to the job site. So, no suitable housing that would put us in a good situation living wise, commute wise, money wise. We only have about $200k in equity in this house and I think getting a $600k loan is irresponsible.

3) Cost of living. The cost of living goes us exponentially. So, although he is getting a bump in pay, we are going to have way less money. He would need to get an increase of over $150k (which won't happen of course) just to be at the standard of living we are at (although we couldn't afford a house like the one we have now anyways).

4) I don't like the city. I don't want our kids to grow up in that area - right now we live in a great smaller city that is very safe with awesome schools and a great community.

I feel that marriage and decisions is a partnership. I know I am a stay at home mom but we mutually decided this - I didn't expect my rights to be terminated in decision making. He thinks his career comes first, I think our family comes first while supporting his career. And I think as long as I am open to moves in general, I should be able to veto certain locations because of family factors which will not be met. I feel like he is saying we are going to move and that is final.. while if I say no, I am saying no, we are not going to move THERE, but I am open to many many other places (I even supported him when he interviewed internationally - so its not like I am just trying to stay put).

He has a very good job now, with a very good company, and will have no problem getting other offers that are very similar to the this one but in locations we both can agree on.

Help. This is making me so upset and I don't need to be getting this upset while I am pregnant.

Chris Taylor

I would add one more reason not to change jobs. In this job market, relocating is a huge risk. If he doesn't like the job/city (you already said you don't), what is he going to do. Jobs are tight and he will likely be stuck in that one for a while.

You have a lot of legitimate reasons not to go. Is there a compromise such as a better city or better job where you are now?

greeneyeddolphin

The only part that I disagree with you on is the part where you say that your family comes first while supporting his career. And it's not that I disagree with you, exactly, but given the circumstances...with his income being the only income, his career does take on greater importance. For example, my boyfriend is our only income right now. He's an over the road truck driver, and fortunately, that is a job that generally doesn't require us to move around to further his career. But if it did, given that his income is the only income we have, it's imperative that we not only keep that income, but find ways to grow it when possible.

Even so, family and family needs are still a priority. And if the move and job change don't benefit either the career or the family, then to me there really isn't a point to it. I fully support moving your family in order to put your children in a better school, or because the primary income can be increased, or even because there's no immediate benefit but by moving you have a long term benefit such as better benefits or bigger raises in the future. You mention nowhere in there, though, that these cons will change for the better at some point.

It kind of sounds almost like your husband suffers from "wanderlust" - my parents were like this. They'd get bored after so long in the same place and want to move. I was lucky that the majority of the moves were in the same general area, so it wasn't too hard on me, but we did move a lot when I was kid. Some people just get bored and want to move, to shake things up. And if he's this adamant about a move that isn't really providing any benefit, then I'd think that he's just wanting to move, find a change.

I don't know if you've already done this, but I would try talking to him and ask him to please explain to you exactly why he feels so strongly about taking this job and making this move. If there's some valid reason, he should tell you. And tell him all your reasons against it, and ask him how those things can be resolved. It could be that there is something he's neglected to tell you, maybe forgotten or didn't think it was significant enough to mention.

gidget5

Thanks to all responses. I definitely would like feedback no matter critical or in agreement. Seriously.

Regarding this new job: it is a bigger job (but for a smaller company), but he has big job offers coming in all the time. So, I say, why this one? Why not another one some place we BOTH agree on. And a place that has housing for us? That is big to me - there is no affordable housing for our situation.

Just today he has now brought his mom into the equation (she has been sick for years but still works, etc). We used to live 1.5 hours from them and they never came to visit us and we rarely visited them - but now he wants to move closer - I said if this is such a concern of yours - why did we move in the first place - 7 hours from them?

So, now its all the "mom" card.

This is how I feel about him being the bread winner and thinking he gets to decide where we move. He is a great talent and has no problem getting a job (headhunted a lot) and getting promotions. He just gets tired of the higher ups and thinks its dysfunctional and then wants to move. Although he admits everywhere is dysfunctional.

Anyways, my thought is this:
I used to work. We moved once before we had kids and at the start of our marriage because the company/location was a great fit for both of us.

Now that my "job" is staying home and raising the kids during the day - instead of being in an office - the move should STILL BE a benefit for BOTH of us in our "jobs." Not just for his job. I should still get a say in where I do my job. My job is still important and we still should move to a place that is good for both of our jobs.

I would get a say if I would have kept working, should I go back to work, put the kids in daycare, just so I can have a say in where we live? Of course not, that is crazy - but is that the only way I get a say?

The thing is - he doesn't NEED this job. He has a great job at a great company and is moving up - and has many many offers all the time. I am willing to compromise on a move - I don't feel he is.

Thanks for listening - and thanks in advance for responses.

AWife

I really don't have any advice for you, but I totally agree with you. It sounds like moving every couple years? Forever? Wow. Good moves or bad moves, that's a lot of moving....

I hope it all works out well. Maybe if he's so determined to have that job he can go there during the week and come back on the weekends? I dunno. I hope it all works out.