hitrockbottom

Im not looking for responses but your welcome to it. I just needed to release a little.

I feel beside myself this morning. Its as if I am standing next to me looking at myself future, past and present. My mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and "what ifs". Which sucks because for the last few days I have had a lot of clarity and peace.

One second I think progress is being made, the next like I have taken a step backward. I want to move forward but feel like I have a weight dragging behind me. I feel like Sisyphus.

Three days now My wife and I have been civil around each other. I still feel like there is a tension there though. Like she is holding on to something else that she doesn't want to let out.

We went on a walk last night, talked about the future, but conversations brought up feelings of hate and remorse inside of me. I don't know why. I felt happy to be with her and talking but at the same time I hated it.

One second I am struggling forgiving myself for infidelity and her for the EA. The next I don't want to. I want to be with her and hold her, but I can't. She won't let me, and inside it doesn't feel right at the moment.

I'm happy, alone. I'm Happy when were together, but with anxiety. I feel like things are going to smoothly like something has to happen soon and if it doesn't then I feel like I'm going to cause something to happen.

I hold onto every word I say. I process it over and over before it comes out, if it comes out.

I rediscovered something this morning that brought up past feelings of anger and rage. Then I looked more and found what I didn't want to know. Now I feel like the rock went back down and emotionally I have to restart. I need to just let go, but don't know how to dump this baggage. hmm.....

blind

It sounds like to me you are just being human. I've read several of your posts. My wife and I are in a similar situation, but to my knowledge there haven't been any affairs (physical or emotional). One thing I have surmised from your posts and threads is that you struggle with patience. I do too. This is also human (and more so I believe for men). Ups/downs, waxing/waning, staying/leaving, work it out/screw it, these are all common, understandable and natural thoughts. Those of us facing situations like this will more likely than not struggle with things like this. She is probably struggling with similar thoughts. It is okay. I would just encourage you to make sure you are thinking clearly if you make any major decisions. I don't believe impulsive decisions are a good idea when dealing with these issues. Also, some of my "moments of clarity" turned out to be the very opposite. Just my $.02. Best of luck to you and yours.

Blind

justean

its called life. i really dont think you are to different to the rest of us. i am being honest here, but i think we think to much. we over evaluate ourselves to much , we expect to much of ourselves or feel others expect to much of us. thats the rollercoaster.
why dont you just be yourself.
i have through the communiation with my hubby, learnt about his male behaviour. i used to mull his reactions over and over.
i used to think there was tension , when he wouldnt speak. he would tell me there is no tension , that i look for things and i probably did. but i changed my perception and trained my brain to his acts.
believe me i now have a better , more peaceful existence with him and we actually talk more. i rarely have moments when i think
"oh my god, hes quiet , what have i done. " but i have done nothing, there is nothing to talk about its as simple as.
i agree i could talk for wales. but i cant talk , when there simply is nothing to talk about. its just quiet time.
tell me a person that doesnt have your feelings. its just how ppl deal with them that makes the difference.
dont make things what they arent. dont make a mountain out of a mole hill.
except your feelings and accept things for what they were. that on good days there good, on bad days, your sullen and moody. give eachother space. after youve had time out, have a gentle talk.