AZMOMOFTWO

Our marriage is slipping away and I had a great plan to save it. I thought it was working, he told me he was happier in the last month and that he still loved me.

Today I have given up. Last night he told me he is miserable right now. How is a wife supposed to take that? I want to make a man happy and I want to live life. I put this feeling of his entirely on me because if you are in love everything else falls in to place. He told me that nothing makes him happy. He has pulled away from me, the kids, and has no interest in doing anything. He agrees this may be a midlife crisis, but I fear he is starting to fall ot of love. He did say he knew the problem was within him and he first needed to fix him and then maybe he would need fixing. My response was that now I am broken too and I don't want to try anymore. He had put it at my feet at first saying I focused too much on work and not on him, I turned him down too many times for sex (not true, believe me! Maybe occasionally but mostly it was an enthusiastic yes), and that I had not done anything for myself while he was in the best shape of his life. I'd put on a few pounds after 2 babies, but I am still fairly in shape. In the last month though I've worked hard and lost most of the weight I'd gained and toned....did he even say anything, no! He said he was wrong he was looking to put it at my feet to put the blame on someone else, but it was him. He said he still loves me and has affection for me but does not have the affection or passion he once had and its missing. I don't mean in the first few years of our relationship, we have been together for 22, this he said happened recently. It has nothing to do with another woman in fact he said if we don't put this back together again he will never marry again. I said "I will, probably within the year" and meant it! I cried, I stormed off, and I came back and cried a lot as I looked through our wedding and honeymoon albums. He looked too. He said he just wanted to take a break for a bit...a week even. Neither of us really has another place to go so how do we do this under one roof with no spare bedroom. I have my parents but I feel like why should I leave? Also my mother is ill and this would be a strain. I told him to go to a hotel but that really isn't possible in his line of work he needs access to the house. I'm going on a trip at the end of the month and taking my daughter (son at home with him) but I may not come home, I may then pick him up and spend an extra few days with Mom & Dad. Problem is that I feel this pain, its now physical, I can't eat or sleep and my kids are suffering and thathurts me worse. He agreed to go see a counselor, he wants to see one for himself and then see if we still need a marriage counselor. I want to dull or numb this pain, and feeling alone is the worst part. I actually joined a dating service already, part of me wants to tell him "get out so I can move on". I asked him how he would feel if he left to go find himself, meantime I found myself by building a new life with someone else because that is what I wanted to do find someone who would love me and want to be with me and my kids. He said he'd feel hurt....I guess he's not dead inside. Don't know what to do but fearing I will do something very stupid soon!

draconis

You need to keep yourself in check so far as not to do anything stupid. You have come a long way at improving yourself, now you need to heal yourself. Sometimes that might mean moving on or setting a limit of time to decide what is the best course of action. The fact he wants to seperate for a time is a red flag to me. A marriage is when two people work together, with each other, not against each other.

draconis

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AZMOMOFTWO

You are absolutely right, I need to keep it in check. My kids keep me grounded, I think about them. I am confused, does he want a separation or time alone? He said, "I wish I had some place to go for just a week to think about how to fix me". Is that a separation? I think two people can't work on their marriage if they are apart so for me that will be the signal for the end and to just start rebuilding my life. A time limit is a great idea.....This Saturday is my birthday, I have no desire to celebrate and would like to let the day slip by. Last month I made a huge deal out of his. Before this I'd planned date night on Saturday (thinking why doesn't he do this since its my birthday but I kept it in check). In one of our conversations I brought that up. Anyway, now he says let's go out Saturday night and have a good time. Time off? Go out and have a good time together? I am so confused. My parents will actually be out of town, they have a pool and I am debating about saying no to Saturday night, cancelling the sitter he booked, and taking the kids swimming all day and staying the night there without him. I'm not trying to be vindictive but maybe its right to give him space and I really don't want anyone taking me out out of obligation, that would be the worst...very confused.

blind

In reading this post and some of your other threads, I generally agree with Drac in that you need to keep yourself in check. This all hurts like hell. My wife told me that she doesn't want to be around me, that each day it is harder for her to stay, that any touch from me makes her extremely uncomfortable, etc. etc. I too had thoughts that I was done with all this and that I wished she would leave so I could start the repair process. All of those were harsh thoughts that came at a time I wasn't capable of making sound decisions. Please don't take offense to this, but from the outside looking in I don't think you should be making such important decisions in this state of mind. Trust me, the pain will get better. You'll come to accept the gravity of this all but with a better frame of mind. There will still be bad days, but they will get better. In my opinion, you need to step back, try to find something to help keep your mind occupied, focus on time with the children and then try to reflect on what you need to do. If your husband is willing to go to counseling (even by himself) I think that is a good idea. Many counselors will want to hear from you at some point. I think the two of you need marriage counseling. This may be a way to get him involved in a joint session.

If you are going to set a time frame, you need it to be reasonable. Personally, I don't feel it best for my situation to set a time frame. That is just my personal opinion. But if you do, don't expect a fix in the next few weeks or even months. It will take time. I'm doing my best to stay committed to working to save my marriage. It gets damn hard when my wife isn't putting forth the effort. But I believe my children and I deserve my very best effort to save the marriage. If she decides to end it I will be able to say I did all I could. I believe that will help me move on if that time comes.

It sounds like to me that at times you are saying things to hurt him or get a desired response. I don't believe that is wise for a few reasons. First, if it does hurt him it could push him further away. Second, if he doesn't give you the desired response it can make you hurt more. For instance, when this all blew up for me I would tell my wife I loved her and then ask my wife if she loved me. She said that she didn't love me. I knew when I asked the question that she didn't share those feelings, but I asked anyway and I was deeply hurt when she responded. I now tell her I love her in a different way. I'll say, "I love you, goodnight." This communicates to her that I love her but doesn't ask for a response. She'll just say "goodnight." I get hurt less by exchanges like this rather than trying to elicit a response from her that I know she won't give and being hurt all over again. Just food for thought. This is just an example and is not to suggest in any way that your husband's love for you is gone.

My very best to you. I share your hurt. It will get better regardless of the outcome.

Blind

trying2cope

I second everything that Blind has said. I am in the same position so I know how painful this can be. In my opinion (and my husband's), my husband is in a mid-life crisis too. I've done some reading on it, and from what I've read, it sounds like a VERY confusing place to be. I recommend reading as much as you can on the topic. That way you can understand what your husband is going through.

I can aslo relate to your mental and physical pain. I've probably lost 20 lbs in the last few months. Just remember that you need to focus on yourself so that you can be there for your kids. It has really helped me to keep busy with our son, doing more with my friends and doing more running.

Some days are easy than others. Try not to pressure your husband for a time frame to "fix things". That has been the hardest thing for me.

Best of luck.

AZMOMOFTWO

Blind,
First let me say I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope that one day your wife will remember how much she loves you. Thank you for your well grounded advice, I think I need it. Yes I do both, say things to hurt and say things to illicit a response. I really actually don't know how to act but I will do as you suggest and simply try to take the pressue off. My kids need me, and I've found a support group for single moms (I know this is jumping the gun but I didn't know what kind of support group and new I needed people) that seem very nice, they are a Christian group and do fun things together and I can bring the kids. I think that and continuing to workout are my healthiest outlets right now.

My daughter wrote me a letter, she put it on my desk it said "Today when my mom was on her last phone call I started crying. Life isn't just the same anymore. My dad isn't as happy and I am really sad. I really want to talk to my mom and I am scared to do it. Last night I heard my mom crying can you help me?" It broke my heart. My daugther needs me and she shouldn't hear me cry.

AZMOMOFTWO

Trying to Cope,

I feel your pain. Thank you for your support and your words of encouragement. I hope that you too will be able to work this through.

Ham987

I think you and I are in the same boat my heat breaks for you and you family
I don’t have any answers .my self Iam still living on the hope that we will have a chance to work through our problems

I take each day minute by minute and have come to realize I can’t make her love me if she doesn’t I can only be here if she wants to try
My best wished go out to you
Be strong
Greg

blind

AZMOM - Thanks for the kind words. They are much appreciated. Here are a few more thoughts I have. Again, I'm just another spouse trying to struggle through this process with the hope and prayer that my marriage will be what it should. Anyway, it is okay to cry and in fact, I think it is necessary. But, you need to keep that away from your kids and your husband. I think you know this but it never hurts to be reminded. We must be strong and certainly must appear strong and confident to our spouses and children. I know it is tough, but I believe it is required. Confident and strong people are attractive. We can't come across as needy and clingy. Also, we can't expect our children to understand all this and be able to handle it without our strong support, love, affection, and valor. We must take the high road on this for their benefit. So, being emotional is okay, but that is something we must keep in check too. I commute about 45 minutes to and from work. That is my time to be emotional, cry, yell, scream, be pissed off, reflect, whatever. When I get home I try to do my best to leave those things in the truck and hit the door as the supportive, loving and caring husband and father that I truly am. Do I fail at this from time to time? Sure! But I'm getting better at it and you will too.

Another thing I want to mention is talking to your husband about all this. You will find many that promote communication, communication, communication. I don't disagree with this thinking necessarily, but it MUST be effective and constructive communication. Continually talking about this with your husband and being emotional about it only keeps the wounds fresh for both you and him. My wife will rarely talk to me about this and that hurts me. But it doesn't do any good for me to continually badger her about it. When I have my head on straight I may bring up where we are in the marriage and try to have an adult, calm, and caring conversation. I have found that if I can't do that I should keep my mouth shut. Again, communication is important and the lack thereof is probably how my marriage reached this potentially breaking point. But, poor communication will likely do more harm than good. I also think that constant communication can stall progress. If we constantly remind ourselves and our spouses of how bad things are it is tough for them to improve. Allow some time between conversations so improvements will be more easily seen. Like watching grass grow. If you sat in your lawn for 5 days constantly watching the grass it will be tough to see it progress. But if you are gone for 5 days and return home you will instantly see and appreciate how much the grass has grown. If you can ever get to the point of marriage counseling that is a good time for communication. Also the counselor can assist in ensuring the communication is constructive and not destructive. It will give the two of you a time each week to talk. Then, throughout the rest of the week you can work on progress without being so concerned about communication or feeling in the dark.

I absolutely can relate to not knowing how to act around my spouse. A friend and I refer to this as having an 800lbs gorilla in the room. You feel like any wrong move and it will pounce on you. It is damn hard to take not knowing how to act in your own home and around your spouse. I still stuggle with this much of the time. One thing that I see happening with many troubled marriages is that the friendship that was once shared between spouses has faded. I don't guess I have any good advice on how to fix this as I haven't had much success in my own home trying to rediscover the friendship my wife and I once shared. But I believe if we could be friends again it would let us be more comfortable around each other. I don't know if this is a part of your situation or not. I guess I can say that when my wife and I do find something to laugh at together it does help. Sorry I'm not much help on this one, but I do understand the struggle.

Keep up the hard work. I truly believe you will be better for it regardless. And without our continued hard work it is tough to see any real chance of successfully repairing the marriages. My best to you and yours.

Blind.

Deejo

I am sorry for the direction things have taken AZMOM. In my case, there has been very little positive movement.

I couldn't help but notice your first sentence;"Our marriage is slipping away, and I had a great plan to save it."

That sums up the course I attempted to take over the last three years. The reason it won't, and can't work, is that both sides need to be aware of, and implementing the plan. If it is 'I' and not 'we', it is destined to lead to further frustration.

I want to see relationships work, I truly do. I want my marriage to work - but it isn't. We don't despise each other, we don't demean one another, we don't fight in front of the kids - but there is nothing going on to improve the circumstances. I am at the point where I see no value in working on the relationship, if it is apparent that my partner is not willing to make the same investment.
I have no idea how us splitting up might work out, but I have come to terms with the fact that I am not ok with staying in a marriage that will only continue to deteriorate into open disrespect, cruelty, and negativity.

I don't know what you mean by 'doing something stupid'? Separating? Having an affair? I have considered both of those options as well - and at this stage of the game, I consider neither one as stupid.
If you mean that you are uncertain of your emotions, that is another matter. Think things through, and don't put what option is best for you at the bottom of that list, instead put it at the top.

AZMOMOFTWO

Greg,

I am sorry to hear we are in the same boat. Thank you for the empathy. I hope that you and your wife will work through these issues.

For me I get so confused sometimes he acts and says he loves me, and other days I feel a distance and indifference. Sometimes both in the same day. I'm going to back off trying to get answers and focus on the future and doing things together that we both enjoy and being postiive. Its tough sometimes but someone here recommended finding a quiet place to be by myself when it gets tough, so that's what I am doing. I think one partner can bring another down so I believe the reverse must be true and that is what I hope for.

AZMOMOFTWO

Blind,

The more I read about your situation I truly hurt for you. My husband and I have gotten to the point of talking about what is wrong and he is saying that its inside him. I suggested midlife crisis and he said definately but maybe something more. Depression? He said he didn't think he was depressed...but then agreed to see a counselor about depression. He's not happy with anything and finds little interest in anything. Does your wife feel that way or just disconnecting from you. I ask because I wonder if she may be depressed...

I thank you for your response, seems to be a theme tonight basically coming through loud and clear, don't over communicate take a break and just let it be. That is what I will be working on and I will stop watching the grass grow. I think that will reduce my frustration. Thank you.

AZMOMOFTWO

Deejo,

I am so sorry your marriage has come to this, but it sounds like you realize you did everything possible. I do believe that there is a time to move on. I hope if I reach that point, I recognize it and can come to terms with it. Meantime, I think since you have done all possible, your next relationship, when you are ready, maybe in fact be successful. IF you have unresolved issues about what you could of, should of done, then that could follow you.

By something stupid, I mean something not thought out that could end up even hurting me. I have a tendency that I need to keep in check that when I feel I can't fix something I do something to destroy it. This is not something I've done in our marriage, I've always kept that in check but I've done this with jobs before.

I'm not sure where we are at, but I am trying to focus on just being a better person and some days its hard so I find a quiet place all by myself and I can vent alone. That helps.

blind

AZMOM - To answer your question, yes my wife has struggled with depression. It is tough to say if that is one of the issues right now. We had one marital therapy session months ago and the therapist thought she was depressed. This upset my wife and she will not go back to him or any other therapist. She doesn't feel (or refuses to accept) she is depressed at this point because she has been working out, eating better, losing weight, has more energy etc. etc. Frankly, I believe it has something to do with our problems. However, it is such a hot button for her that I certainly can't approach her about it right now. Its a tough topic for me and I wish I knew better how to handle it. I am certain that any comments from me about the possiblity that she is depressed, no matter how caring, honest, tactful and heartfelt they may be, would be met with bitter distain and resentment. Deep down she may understand she is depressed, but I expect she blames me for much of it.

You are welcome for any useful advice I may have given. Remember I am certainly no professional when it come to relationships. Quite to the contrary indeed. To paraphrase another poster on this forum, I'm just another guy trying to fix a broken home.

Thanks again for the kind words. As always my best to you and yours.

Blind

AZMOMOFTWO

Blind,

Of course I am not expert on depression but from what I understand part of the problem of being depressed is refusing to acknowledge that and transfering blame. I did bring this up with my husband and he said he was not depressed, ironically he said the same things you said your wife did. He said "I'm in the best shape of my life so how can I be depressed".

He doesn't know what is wrong and why he sometimes feels this way. I think its the root of our problem. I'm beginning to understand its not me. At first I felt he was depressed BECAUSE our marriage was not as strong as it was but now I realize its the other way around.

I asked him to be open and honest even if he feared hurting me and I would do the same. I asked him one night if he tried to find fault in me so he could blame me for how he felt. He was thoughtful about it and said that was definately true. Although by changing the things he said were bothering him, it improved how he felt. Didn't get rid of the problem but took pressure off of him which helped him to feel better. I asked him if he was maybe punishing me for how he felt...again he thought carefully and said that was probably true.

So now I see more in to him and don't blame him but have hope to be able to fix it. In our case he wants so badly to feel better he will go to a therapist. One night I saw that he was reaching out to me to fix this....I always fix things. If someone is sick, I see they get to the doctor, if something went bad in his busi