redsnake22

My first post here and I need some assistance please.

I have the greatest relationship one could imagine with my wife and 2 teenagers. We have actually spent much time and money to keep a healthy family going for over 20 years. We (all 4) have studied books and all of us have done the Landmark Education courses and have gotten a lot out of it for our lives. The communication is open and works well within this family.

My only issue that has been bothering me for a couple of years now is that I have thoughts in my own head that I can’t get rid of….AND at this time (although with great communications skills on every one's part) I can not share with my family.

The thoughts are basically revolving over the idea that when both teenagers are out of the house and as much as love my family, I’d like to have a second chance and a blank canvas in life. To not be bound to the “yes” I said many years ago. To be able to get out, travel, take risks that one would not take with a dependent (wife or kids), to possibly explore other relationships, etc.

Now the confusing thing is that my wife and I have actually discussed this before. Her take was “Honey if you ever feel the need to leave this marriage for any reason, just come talk to me”. And I’m 70% sure it is genuine and she can accept that but have doubts for the other 30% that she just collapses hearing this.

When we did discuss this a while back (as mentioned above), It was discussed such that we clear our finances, secure the kids in college and on their own, pay off all debt and make sure we still have a great family and relationships together even if we may have other partners. Get togethers would be often and frequent.

Is such a thing is even possible? How could it be done? Where to begin? Some direction please.

Many thanks in advance.

redsnake

Missy

It sounds like you have a wonderful family and marriage for the most part. I think this is something of a mid-life crisis for you and I fear that if you give it up you will regret it. What could you possibly get out of another relationship that you dont get out of your wife. Answer that and that is where you begin. However, I would begin with your wife. Tell her what you want more of and find a way together to make it happen. Even if it means the two of you doing things on your own. I just would hate to see you lose all of this and realize that what you had cannot be duplicated.

__________________
Missy~
www.tripleaytche.com

Dancing Nancie

swedish

Welcome to the forum, redsnake.

My thoughts on what your wife has said in the past “Honey if you ever feel the need to leave this marriage for any reason, just come talk to me” is that she is encouraging you to respect her enough in the marriage to bring any concerns to her first so you can discuss them openly before making any hard and fast decisions that would affect your entire family. I have said the same to my husband, and can tell you I would still be devastated if he came to me and said he wanted out unless I happened to be having the same feelings.

I can understand your desire to "get out, travel, take risks that one would not take with a dependent" as I have 3 teens myself and I do look forward to being able to do these things as well. I think it's only natural that empty-nesters explore new things. I just can't imagine doing them without my husband. That's the part where I wonder if the exploring other relationships comes more into play and how much does that play a part in your desire to leave? I actually think my life with my husband will have some new excitement when we are free to do as we please. Have the two of you grown apart as far as your social lives/hobbies/etc. where you don't enjoy doing the same things together? I guess the optimist in me is wondering if you can fulfill your dreams WITH your wife.

justean

i agree. why cant you forfill your wants and needs with your wife.
ok crisis i may understand. its a heck of a huge world out there.
but i think your giving up something that is good.
if you wanted to c the world u can do it with or without her. but to lose her. well i think is such a shame.
however when reading your mail. it also sounds like a deep regret u have . you said yes, you committed yourself. we all have wants and needs.
an example my mum , a few years ago had the same things mulling in her head. it was called a new life experience that she had to go through. she left home and set up her own home. but nothing changed with my dad, if that makes sense - she just left home. she did what she wanted. ok my mum does not sound like she had your communication skills. but after a few years of doing what she did. they sold there houses and bought one together. that was 10 years ago.

there wil always b life events. look at for example celebrities.
look at the actors - actresses that live on opposite sides of the world. sometimes its for work. etc etc. but we all do things different.
i actually see no harm in yours wants. ( well the other women , might not go down well)
but i been there to, the grass is not greener. who wants to catch a sexually transmitted disease for the sake of " i want to explore other relationships".
your travel issues are not inappropriate.
ok you have to b respectful and consider your wifes feeling. its unfair otherwise.
is it the fact you think your missing out on other women?

redsnake22

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I'm thinking about all that you wrote. All of it makes sense....And I have to say deep down I do agree that my wants and needs is not worth the 20+ years of great relationship that we worked hard to have. There is no relationship with anyone other than my wife at this time. I may have mislead you somewhat...the traveling around the world is not an issue either. Its more the thoughts of restarting a new life and the freedom that comes with not being married.....remember these are just thoughts that don't go away...as much as I keep myself busy. I'll be working on myself, taking on something new and exciting and that might help. Thanks again.

redsnake

justean

i think the idea of the forum is to make you think for yourself at the end of it all. good luck and maybe just do different things with your wife, do different things for yourself also. take care