My wife wants to move to another state against my will - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 03:12 PM Thread Starter
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My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Me and my wife have been married for 9 years and we have one child together, a 4 year old. We live in Oregon, and she wants to move to Florida. Problem is I have 3 children in Oregon from a previous marriage and their ages are 8,10, and 12. The reason why she wants to move to Florida is because all her family lives there and that she is not happy living in Oregon. She says she has no friends and people are not the same here as in Florida. She flies to Florida about 3 or 4 times a year and stays for a week or two. A couple weeks ago she flew back over with our child, but this time she told me she is not coming back, and that she is unhappy. She told me either I move there or she is divorcing me. I asked her how she expects me to leave my children here and move over there and she said people do it all the time. How can my wife even consider asking me to make a choice like this? I know she is 100 percent serious and firm on this. I am torn, how can she ask me to leave my kids here?! My children would be devastated. I have shared custody with my ex, and my children would be mortified. And if I dont go then my 4 year old will be equally devastated. It feels as if she is making me choose which child lives and which ones die. Somebody please help me, what can I do? I have talked to her about this, but there is no compromising with her.

Last edited by cl_hobby; 10-14-2010 at 03:25 PM.
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 03:27 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

wow that is hard. and very difficult to be in.

Who's idea was it to move to OR or have you always been there? I can kind of see her point tho, in retrospect. She only has you and her child there. Some say that is enough, but, those who were raised around their families and are close it is hard to do. I remember when my mom moved from a country town pop less than 100 ( YES 100 PEOPLE in the whole town) she married my father and he was stationed Over seas, she had to move, she had not choice in the matter. she lived over seas for a few years, and then came back to the states. At first it was hard for her, she had NO FAMILY but my dad and us 2 kids, but over time, she got use to being away from family. I guess it all depends on how your wife was raised.

I always say "put the shoe on the other foot" *IF* you asked her to move to OR and leave her family behind ( not sure if that is the case, just guessing?), then of course, she would think that it is OK for her to do the same to you. Fair? of course not, but, you have got to come to some kind of agreement between the 2 of you. I dont think she *MEANS* the big "D", because that would be childish on her part to say that.

My hubby has his mom and dad living in WS and no one really here where we live now, i have my dad here ( NOT A GOOD THING but, we live 40 miles from him), anyways, my mom lives in another state and i see her as often as i can. Families do not always have to live by their parents/kids. YES you love your kids, and probably would do anything to see them. But, would it hurt to move to where she wanted and YOu do the traveling? like she does?

I guess the point is, is that this is something you need to work out some sort of plan. maybe move in the middle of the some how?? i know that sounds silly, but, it just may work. Put up a cork board and throw a dart ( hubby and i have done this and it is fun to think where we would land), see what happens.

there has to be something that can come of this. Good luck and let us know what happens.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

We have always lived in Oregon, and she married me with the expectation that I could not move from here. I have considered the traveling aspect, but I have my children every Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend. I don't see how I could work or support my wife and kids. I would be flying across the country every week. I don't know if I am even capable of making a decision. How can I decide? I am so upset over the situation I cant function.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 03:50 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

knowing your visitation situation, that does make it harder. Is there anyway to change the visitation schedule? I know my cousin has done that with her kids and their father alot bc of changes.

Obviously your wife wants to move for some reason, and it may not be her family? what else has been going on lately that would make her want to move?

im sorry this hurts so much and it bothers, you but remember "what does NOT kill you, only makes you stronger".
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 04:16 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

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Originally Posted by cl_hobby View Post
We have always lived in Oregon, and she married me with the expectation that I could not move from here. I have considered the traveling aspect, but I have my children every Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend. I don't see how I could work or support my wife and kids. I would be flying across the country every week. I don't know if I am even capable of making a decision. How can I decide? I am so upset over the situation I cant function.
Wow...

You're in a very bad spot. I think if you're willing, I would offer a compromise. Maybe she'd be willing to wait and move when your other children are grown. I think's it's pretty selfish of her to expect you to leave them. I couldn't do it. If she's not willing to compromise and stick to what she agreed to then fine. She is free to divorce and move. Let her leave the 4 year old with you. You should be able to file papers with the court to have the child returned to the child's home state (OR) and get a temporary custody order until the details are all worked out. Talk to an attorney. She just can't take your child and move across the country. She may change her mind if she's faced with possibly living so far away from her child.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-14-2010, 05:04 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

I get why your wife wants to move, but I think she is being incredibly unreasonable and selfish about it. Whatever happens, she doesn't seem to care that she is keeping a child from having a relationship with their father. There are different ways to handle things, and here she should have given you the decency of a conversation rather than an ultimatum.

What about compromising? Maybe she would be willing to stay in OR for a few more years until your kids are a little older and could visit you more easily?

Kudos to you for being such a dedicated father and trying to be there for your children.

I don't know your kids relationship with your wife, but I'd be careful here. This could create feelings of anger, abandonment and resentment. They might hold a grudge against you for deserting them.

IMO, if she is unwilling to compromise, let her divorce you. But make it clear you are going to fight to be a father to your child regardless of where she wants to take them.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 11:05 AM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Your wife has gone too far and you are in a lousy but not hopeless situation. I'd file for divorce in Oregon since she has been a resident for 4+ years and ask the court to give you custody of your son. She can visit when she wants, the travel burden should be hers until your son can fly non-stop from OR to FL.

This happens more than you realize, the courts here in CT are far kinder to men in 2010 than you might imagine.

Having married you in OR knowing you were staying there she is being a lousy stb-exw and mom. Her actions aren't fair to any of the kids, especially the youngest, and aren't fair to you or your three other children.

I suggest you find a lawyer and get a court order today, Monday at the latest.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by cl_hobby View Post
We have always lived in Oregon, and she married me with the expectation that I could not move from here. I have considered the traveling aspect, but I have my children every Wednesday, Friday, and every other weekend. I don't see how I could work or support my wife and kids. I would be flying across the country every week. I don't know if I am even capable of making a decision. How can I decide? I am so upset over the situation I cant function.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Thank you for all your responses and help. I really appreciate all your words of encouragement. I think your right, I need to get an attorney and not waste another second.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 01:42 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

She can't file in FL until she's been a resident for at least 6 mos. I live in FL, so I know. As long as you file before that point, she'll have to come back to OR and you'll have the upper hand.

I have to wonder, though, for her to do this, things have to have been pretty bad for her for a while. Has she talked to you about what's bothering her? Beyond her family being in FL, I mean. Is it something that can be fixed while staying in OR?

Before going to file, I'd try one last time to see if there's anything else that can be done. If she still won't budge, then I guess you admit defeat and file.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 02:46 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Was going to echo same as Michzz and atruckersgirl.

Assure that she has to return to Oregon if she is serious about divorce - which will also mean you need to fire the first shot.

Filing for divorce does not equal getting a divorce. It's the first step. Call her bluff and petition for custody, or sit back and just be victimized.
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 03:50 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Also, if you do nothing for those six months, she'll be able to point to that as "proof" you are not interested in your child being with you.

Not the time to sit back.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 04:22 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

I'm with the above...File for divorce, move for a custody award based on what is in effect parental kidnapping in the meantime, and try to work it out later with her. You can always withdrawal the divorce papers after the fact, but what you can't do easily is change a custody situation once "continuity of environment" takes hold. You need to see a lawyer now, rather than wait on this.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-15-2010, 05:31 PM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

Put all requests for the return to Oregon in writing.

Phone calls are fine for arguing, but make a formal insisting of a return.

Reiterate that your child was removed from the home for no cause and needs to be in the family residence.

Use a good lawyer!
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-14-2013, 10:21 AM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

The answer is very simple if you remove yourself from it for a minute . First, she was aware going into the relationship that you had responsibilities in your current state. Second, she cannot legally take your child (four year old) and move to another state without first going through proper court proceedings to remove custody from you and for that she would need good reason. She can look at the facts, that she entered into a partnership with you and was aware of the repercussions and responsibilities around that partnership, and choose to work with you as a compassionate human being. Allowing the children to grow before she asks you to move and etc. Or she can make it complex by trying to manipulate you with her anger which will only result in expensive court proceedings. Due to her irrationality, it's likely you would obtain custody of your four year old and she would be left alone. Time is fleeting. Children grow up in the blink of an eye. Nothing is as complex as it seems. It's clear to me she should be patient. Make it simple, present her choices, if she chooses to bury herself, let her do it. It seems impossible right now, but the solution will present itself.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-14-2013, 10:27 AM
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Re: My wife wants to move to another state against my will

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