Hi...This is my first post. I've read a few posts on this board and I'm hoping someone will help me figure out what to do.
I have been married to my husband for fifteen years. My husband (when sober) is a wonderful man. But.....I feel as though he has lied to me so many times, I just don't know how much more I can take. When we first met, ( I was introduced to him by a very good friend), he lived 4 hours away from me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, in fact I had just broke up with someone else and getting involved with someone else was the last thing I wanted. Well I met this man, and he seemed very nice and I was attracked to to him to a degree. We went out 3 times that weekend and then my friend kept after me to call him. She thought we would be perfect for each other...so I called him. WE talked for about 3 hours on the phone that night. We began to date about 1 month later. We basically dated for almost a year to the day that we got married. Every weekend we met, either he came to my home town or me to his. In the beginning, I thought maybe he might have a drinking problem. I asked him about it, he denied it and said he only drank on the weekends and never through the week.
Okay, so I believed him. I mean he held down a job, had his own house, and drove a new truck. So I'm thinking, he must only drink on the weekends or else he couldn't hold down this job. Well....we got married, and he didn't drink through the week. he didn't even drink every weekend, but when he did drink....he couldn't stop. He could drink alot and either he would drink until he went to sleep or he would get pretty drunk. Now this happened maybe once every month. Well, long story short on the drinking...we fought many times for about 4 years about his drinking. We finally went to a counselor and he admitted he had a problem and that he would stop drinking. And he did. Well then about 2 years later, he found pain pills. And we have been dealing with his addiction of pills now for about 6 years at least. I lose track of the years and how long he's been doing this, but he has got us into debt big time. At first he would doctor search and get pills from the doctors. Then he figured out he could buy them off he street. he likes vicodin, xanax, and soma's. Where he works, he is one of the main people there. He basically runs this business and so his boss basically bailed us out of the debt...But only after we cashed in his IRA and so now we have nothing for retirement and we're both in our 50's. His boss, bailed us out about a year ago....and I have recently found out that once again, we're back in debt with credit cards. Not as bad as before, but bad enough.
He goes to a drug counselor every week, this counselor made my husband sign a contract that allows the counselor to be able to talk to me freely about what is going on with my husband. he also gets drug tested once a week at the counselors office and I test him at home once a week. But this man finds ways around the tests. he passes the test, and figures out exactly when he can use and then not use to pass the test. I finally gave him an ultimatum and told him if he used one more time our marriage would be over. I even talked to his boss about all of this, and my husband was sitting right there when i talked to his boss. His boss has a son who has been in rehab and he understands addiction. He told my husband if I left him, that he would also lose his job.
Okay....that's some of the background between my husband and I. Now this last weekend we went out of town with his sister and her family. So he hasn't been to see the counselor now for a week. he isn't suppose to go see him again until this weekend. There have been a couple of times that I've wondered if something was going on and I've suggested he take a test at home which he says no problem he will do. I guess I should probably make him take the test. But I haven't so far. Now tonight I go on line and check our bank account. He has been taking cash out and right now I'm so mad I can hardly see straight. I don't understand why he took so much cash out ($280) to take with us last weekend. We only went camping and he didn't need that much cash. Plus we had just got our extra income tax check back and we had $400 with us from that. I had a suspicion as to what is going on, but dang it....it just upsets me because I can't trust him. I don't believe him when he tells me anything anymore. I'm 51 years old, I have a job, but if I leave him....my life will be a big struggle financially. But then if I stay with him....my life will be the same ole same ole for the rest of my life. What do I do? Plus any debt we have, will be split 50/50 so I will be responsible for that as well and I didn't even have anything to do with it. It sucks big time. How do I pick mself up and move on? I know I cannot change him or make him be a sober man, that is up to him. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
i think you have to find the strength to leave.
it wont change. it doesnt sound like he wants to change.
my ex hubby left me with a £2000.00 debt and even after he left , he bought a car on finance and put it against our house. he was always a liar and a cheat.
its been 14 years since we split - i know he is still like it to this day.
i was just so relieved when i got him out. i just moved on because i had to.
i paid the debt. called the company for the car he had bought on finance and told them of my circumstances. i never heard from them again.
i married the first time when i was 21 ( bad mistake) but i learnt from it. you cannot regret it, because you cannot undo the past, but u can change your future. but thats up to u.
yes im only 36 (nearly). but i have a life now that i would never have had. i have had an amazing life despite what issues wil come up and they wil.
had i stayed to save the marriage. - well there was a destiny out there for me , that i wasnt meant to stay in that marriage.
I am wondering why he still has access to the money? I know your not his mother but if he is willing to go to counceling and willing to take drug tests at home, is he not willing to direct deposit his check into your single signer accout that only you have access to? That would be my first step if I was going to stay. All money goes to you and you set his allowance. No credit card access at all. Just cash daily if thats what it takes in 10.00 a day payments. I see his counceling have you tried going to nar-anon. A support group for those that are co-dependent to addicts? I think that seeing counceling and support on your own will help you to get perspective from others that have lived this. My best friend has been married for 10 years to a crack addict. I would of left him the first year but that is just me. Good luck but it sounds to me you need professional help for yourself to deal with this.
dont know in which part of world you are. but here in wales. uk.
my ex could do what he liked with our joint account. here you cant just stop an account . it has to be stopped by both parties at the same time. it was an awful time. i was not allowed to cancel it myself as we both had to sign. very unfair when you consider ppl do worry when in these situations. and my ex just made everything plain aquward. it took him 2 years for him to sign our divorce papers.
couldnt let go.
Thanks for the replys. Leaving him has definately been on my mind and as far as the money goes.....Quite a while back, I took all his credit cards. He gave them to me without any arguments. Well little did I know, but he called the credit card companies and got another card sent out to him. His check is direct deposited into our personal account, but I hadn't thought about having him deposit it into an account that he has no access to. I'm pretty sure that if I suggest that he put his check into an account that is in my name only, he will not go for that in any way at all. I suggested the other day that we just have seperate accounts and we each be responsible for certain things to pay. That pissed him off. My best bet is probably just to end it with him and walk away.
My only concern is that if I walk away, because of where I live, everything will be split 50/50, which means the debt will also be split 50/50 and I will be responsible for it..at least half of it because my name is on all the credit cards. I think what I may do is draw up a contract that basically states if he screws up one more time, he will give me the house and pay all the expenses until we get divorced and sell the house and split any profits 50/50. I think I'll also make him be responsible for all the credit cards as well. We both go see this counselor once a month and we talk about his using and all. The contract was his idea a while back and we discussed it with the counselor. I will have him sign and date it in front of the counselor and have the counselor sign it as a witness. That way I'm covered if he tries to say he didn't sign it or that I co-erssed him into signing it.
Starting over at almost 52 years of age, is really depressing. WE've been married 15 years and that's 15 years waisted of my life....ugh.
As far as nar-anon, I've tried that. I didn't like it because they want you to basically be easy on the addict. It's like they think I should just sit by and do nothing and wait for him to decide to stop using. Plus they treat this as a disease, which I don't agree with. IMHO, it's a choice. Yes he is addicted to drugs, but he chose that life, it didn't chose him. He has a choice to beat it and fight it but he isn't fighting it as hard as he could or should. He goes through the motions, but that's it. I know that if he is to beat it, he's got to do everything and then some to beat it. He's got to put beating it first and foremost about everything else, and he's not done that yet. It's not a disease in my eyes. He didn't just become an addict without any of his own doing. He abused alcohol and drugs, and he became addicted physically to those drugs and alcohol. A disease, is something IMHO, that you get without looking for it. It just happens to you, you don't get to decide if you get cancer or some debilatating disease. The counselor he goes to also believes it's a choice not a disease. My husband even says its' a choice. He's going to have to take control over it and not let it control him. I just don't think I can stick around anymore and watch him destroy me right along with him.
Thanks again for the replys, I greatly appreciate it.
Needing some advice, please take time to read......
Been in the marriage 14years together 17, and still he dosn't trust me. Must ask permission to do things or go anywhere and for what the answer is always no eventually.Only been able to do anything on my own is twice the entire realationship& marriage & had to argue for that to happen but he always say u can go im not stopping u but when i try and do just that then im going to meet a man or hav sexual realations with one. Our children are 19,16, 15x2, & 11...It brothers me that my 19 yr old can do things that im not allow to do like visit w/friend or family or go to the mall. I feel improsined, in my 20's was afraid, now in my 40"s can't take it no more not even for the sake of the children. So what that he don't cheat or beat me physically but mentally im beat dwn my joy of life is dying, I feel like im dying inside. Im tired of asking permission to live, he only wants me alive and the only way out is divorce. With no work history in 17years cuz i wasnt allowed to work or even educate myself, Im ready to walk away and leave everything but the kids...What a scarey thought, but i can do it can't I?