My Marriage-No Trust
Hi...This is my first post. I've read a few posts on this board and I'm hoping someone will help me figure out what to do.
I have been married to my husband for fifteen years. My husband (when sober) is a wonderful man. But.....I feel as though he has lied to me so many times, I just don't know how much more I can take. When we first met, ( I was introduced to him by a very good friend), he lived 4 hours away from me. I wasn't looking for a relationship, in fact I had just broke up with someone else and getting involved with someone else was the last thing I wanted. Well I met this man, and he seemed very nice and I was attracked to to him to a degree. We went out 3 times that weekend and then my friend kept after me to call him. She thought we would be perfect for each other...so I called him. WE talked for about 3 hours on the phone that night. We began to date about 1 month later. We basically dated for almost a year to the day that we got married. Every weekend we met, either he came to my home town or me to his. In the beginning, I thought maybe he might have a drinking problem. I asked him about it, he denied it and said he only drank on the weekends and never through the week.
Okay, so I believed him. I mean he held down a job, had his own house, and drove a new truck. So I'm thinking, he must only drink on the weekends or else he couldn't hold down this job. Well....we got married, and he didn't drink through the week. he didn't even drink every weekend, but when he did drink....he couldn't stop. He could drink alot and either he would drink until he went to sleep or he would get pretty drunk. Now this happened maybe once every month. Well, long story short on the drinking...we fought many times for about 4 years about his drinking. We finally went to a counselor and he admitted he had a problem and that he would stop drinking. And he did. Well then about 2 years later, he found pain pills. And we have been dealing with his addiction of pills now for about 6 years at least. I lose track of the years and how long he's been doing this, but he has got us into debt big time. At first he would doctor search and get pills from the doctors. Then he figured out he could buy them off he street. he likes vicodin, xanax, and soma's. Where he works, he is one of the main people there. He basically runs this business and so his boss basically bailed us out of the debt...But only after we cashed in his IRA and so now we have nothing for retirement and we're both in our 50's. His boss, bailed us out about a year ago....and I have recently found out that once again, we're back in debt with credit cards. Not as bad as before, but bad enough.
He goes to a drug counselor every week, this counselor made my husband sign a contract that allows the counselor to be able to talk to me freely about what is going on with my husband. he also gets drug tested once a week at the counselors office and I test him at home once a week. But this man finds ways around the tests. he passes the test, and figures out exactly when he can use and then not use to pass the test. I finally gave him an ultimatum and told him if he used one more time our marriage would be over. I even talked to his boss about all of this, and my husband was sitting right there when i talked to his boss. His boss has a son who has been in rehab and he understands addiction. He told my husband if I left him, that he would also lose his job.
Okay....that's some of the background between my husband and I. Now this last weekend we went out of town with his sister and her family. So he hasn't been to see the counselor now for a week. he isn't suppose to go see him again until this weekend. There have been a couple of times that I've wondered if something was going on and I've suggested he take a test at home which he says no problem he will do. I guess I should probably make him take the test. But I haven't so far. Now tonight I go on line and check our bank account. He has been taking cash out and right now I'm so mad I can hardly see straight. I don't understand why he took so much cash out ($280) to take with us last weekend. We only went camping and he didn't need that much cash. Plus we had just got our extra income tax check back and we had $400 with us from that. I had a suspicion as to what is going on, but dang it....it just upsets me because I can't trust him. I don't believe him when he tells me anything anymore. I'm 51 years old, I have a job, but if I leave him....my life will be a big struggle financially. But then if I stay with him....my life will be the same ole same ole for the rest of my life. What do I do? Plus any debt we have, will be split 50/50 so I will be responsible for that as well and I didn't even have anything to do with it. It sucks big time. How do I pick mself up and move on? I know I cannot change him or make him be a sober man, that is up to him. I just don't know where to start. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry so long