For all of you who haven't read any of my previous posts, my wife and I are taking Wednesdays to have a relationship talk. We have some very serious communication issues, and we give each other a topic to work on, and read about during the week. This week she explained that she gets very irritated when I procrastinate on things both minor, and major. This is something that I don't like about myself either, and is going to be tough. I have spent some time in counseling, and this is an issue that has been brought up several times.
I was abused as a child. I would hide from my mom and step father when they were home to avoid a situation. Unfortunately, this behavior has pulled forward into my adult life. I now will "hide" when I have something I don't want to do, or is going to be difficult. I didn't recognize this behavior until about 5 years ago or so. I had counseling a year ago, and went into depth on this. I know when I am doing it, and in some circumstances I can push through it.
My wife sees this as a problem still. Now I would like some advice on how to move forward. She doesn't want to nag me, and she shouldn't have to. I think I will need her help to finally kick this horrible habit.
We have a dry erase board above our computer that we don't really use. My thoughts are that she can write tasks on there that need done. Instead of having to ask about specific things that need done, I can just refer to the board. Has anyone else had similar issues that were resolved?
I was just thinking....asking procrastinaters for help might take a while to get responses
I am the same way, not for any childhood reasons that I can think of but, I think I do it for things that seem overwhelming to get completed. I know it's partly being somewhat of a perfectionist and also just lack of time so I tend to do the things that I know I can start/finish quickly and put off the more difficult things even if they are a higher priority. I have been better at letting my husband know when I'm doing it and why...
one example is my car...it's been leaking oil...I got an estimate. They did a thorough test with dye and found it leaks in 2 places...but it's been months and I still haven't made the appointment to take it in...because I keep thinking I'll shell out the money and the car will still leak and then it will become a nightmare for me to deal with...My husband said he'd call and make sure whatever we pay them is to fix the leak, not just the 2 spots they found and if they can't guarantee that, then we will go somewhere else. So he has been able to help me in that way, but if he nagged me about it I think it would go directly to the bottom of my list because it's stressing me out enough already.
I guess it comes down to breaking down the tasks that get put off and figuring out what about them is causing them to get on that list and see if your wife can help you with getting them done.
If it's more of the honey-do list type of stuff, I guess the list might help (at least she will only have to ask once) and dry erase isn't bad because she can put priorities on things as they get added...then you could plan up front to get certain things done by certain dates.
The things I put off have more emotional attachments I suppose. Two things that bothered her right now, is that I left school to go back to work. I still have things at the school, and need to get them and pay them. It is going to be very hard for me to go back, and close that chapter. I am quitting something that I really enjoyed doing to better our home life. She wants the tools, as some are hers.
The other is financial. I put off making calls to people that I need to make arrangements with, which affects my credit. Finances are a very important issue with her, and I seem to put those things off until I have to get them taken care of.
In each case, I really just put them off because I don't want to have to deal with it. Its a defense mechanism from what counselors have told me. I have always kind of just accepted it as it is. If it's something she can't deal with, I want to work on it so she is happier. It wouldn't be fair to have her deal with those issues just because I couldn't, or didn't want to.
I hear ya man, I had/have some of the same issues. My wife hates to nag me, but after reminding me to do something countless times she does get fed up and gets snappish - and I've never blamed her. Fixing faucets, cleaning up the backyard, doing all the bills on time to avoid late payments, re-grouting the shower, whatever. She can tell me and tell me, but unless she reminds me when I have nothing to do at that very second, I'll never remember by myself to do it later. So while mine aren't really emotional issues, I've been there in that it was still stuff that really mattered to my wife and I just kept letting them slide.
When my wife and I started working on our marriage I already knew this was a big deal for her and without her even bringing it up I told her I intended to change that about myself. The very first thing I did was go out and buy a nice legal-pad sized white board and I put it right in the kitchen next to the fridge so she could write on it. So...Good idea! It works! Well, if I left it in the office, it wouldn't work for me since I'm in there late at night, but in the kitchen where I have to see it when I turn the light on and off or open the fridge to get something to eat, can't ignore it or forget about it. Turns out it's not to hard to find the time clean the guest room bathroom after my Mom leaves from visiting, or fixing a faucet or toilet when it starts to leak instead of putting it off for months.
As for finances, I went through many of the same steps you are going through, and this was one of ours as well. My wife really wanted me to get on top of our finances, and it was always like pulling teeth for me, until I really started looking into how much money a credit card interest or Home Owners late payment was impacting us. I discovered I was costing us anywhere from $100-$200 per month depending on how bad I was at following through with the bills. That's up to $2000 a year wasted. If I'd been saving that instead, what a extra-special Christmas or vacation we could have every year. There has also been a couple times I've just ignored things to suddenly find a credit agency send a threatening letter. Not good. Finances were/are incredibly important to my wife as well, and just knowing that she no longer needs to worry about me forgetting to pay the water/utilities bill or that I am wasting money we can spend on something far more important is a huge stress reliever for her. It's just a matter of taking responsibility and deciding to follow through with it for her happiness. It's no harder to do than it is for someone who quits drinking or smoking for their family or health. If they can have the perseverance to break such a bad habit, you can do the same with your finances.
There are three things I did to help me. First, I bought software. Quicken or Money, really they both do the same thing, and it's cool seeing exactly what money goes where with all the graphics and charts. Really helped making something that made me feel like I'd rather go to the dentist, turn into something kind of fun. The second thing I did was sit down and go through all my bills one Sunday and for anything I could set up an auto-draft for, I then called during my lunch break on Monday. Wasn't too bad. One hour of my time ensured I never need to even think about late payments ever again on a bunch of stuff that crept up on me here and there. Also, every single day as I pull out of the driveway, I now swing by the mail and pick it up, and any bills inside that aren't automatic (like credit cards,) I take care of that day during my lunch break (online banking is great!)
The one other thing my wife hated was all the many stacks of bills/recepits on various desks and counter tops and crammed into piles here and there around the office. We already had a shredder, but my wife wants to keep everything as record "just in case." At one time I had tried to address this by scanning our bills, but because I had to do all the stuff like going through Photoshop, saving, organizing, etc, made it tedious and it didn't last a month. But after researching a bit I picked up the NeatReceipts scanner/software package, kind of expensive at $200, but I payed it off in two months by not having late payments anymore and my wife is SO HAPPY it's well worth it. The scanner is small, thin, much faster than my flatbed, and I just feed in the bills into it once a week and the software automatically organizes and files them on my computer allowing me to shred the bills. The desks and corners of the office are now much cleaner and my wife is much happier.
Procrastinating
