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Old 10-16-2010, 10:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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One of the groups my husband attends gave the below handout concerning the "True Meaning of Marriage." I've read it a few times and it really hit home for me. A lot of people on TAM (including myself) seem to be looking for what "they" get or don't get out of their marriage - maybe some of us have it all wrong...

What do you guys think?

"True Meaning of Marriage"

The true meaning of marriage is love. By love, I mean not just what we feel but what we do. Love just as a feeling is very flimsy, an up and down roller coaster. Love is an action! In order for it to become the ultimate force and for us to rediscover the true meaning of marriage, love has to be unconditional. You are not looking for acceptance or validation. You are giving of yourself to another not because of them, but because of your values. A death to ones self so that another may live and benefit from your sacrifice.

This is not an easy road to walk. But it is the most rewarding road however. An old Buddhist saying goes like this, 'I want peace.' If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself. You have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance, just seeking the opportunity to show love.
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
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MarriedWifeInLove

This makes perfect sense.

I am using this in my marriage, and the result is I have a wonderful marriage.

I love, I sacrifice, I try hard to make my husband happy, and what I get is a loving and happy husband, in return, he tries hard to make me happy.

If we only think about ourselves, if we only want us to be happy, I don't think the spouses will be happy, if they are not happy, how can we be happy?

It's all good circle or vicious circle.
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Since my husband brought this home, I've really been thinking about how much I sacrifice "myself" - truly sacrifice myself to love unconditionally without thinking about "what's in it for me."

I'm trying to apply this more in my own relationship and just give and love him without expecting the same in return because I want him to feel loved and happy.

I've already seen a difference in how he has opened up and is more loving towards me (he got this handout about a week ago) since I've just shown love and not worried about what I was going to get back.

Funny how I'm learning more about myself as i've aged (just turned 50) - if I knew then what I know now...
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedWifeInLove View Post

Since my husband brought this home, I've really been thinking about how much I sacrifice "myself" - truly sacrifice myself to love unconditionally without thinking about "what's in it for me."

I'm trying to apply this more in my own relationship and just give and love him without expecting the same in return because I want him to feel loved and happy.

I've already seen a difference in how he has opened up and is more loving towards me (he got this handout about a week ago) since I've just shown love and not worried about what I was going to get back.

Funny how I'm learning more about myself as i've aged (just turned 50) - if I knew then what I know now...


Happy for you, at least you know the answer to a true happy marriage now.

When we give, just give, our motivation is to want them to be happy. Don't think what we will get by what we give. We won't be disappointed if we don't get anything in return.

And if our husbands are happy, they'll appreciate our hard work and sacrifice, they see it, they love it, they'll give back. When they give back, we receive.

Some people might say that their husbands don't give back, I don't think this happen often.

If we smile to people, people will smile back at us. How many people just ignore us and walk away?I am sure there are still some. I don't think there are many.

Love, just give out love, then it is love we will receive!
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Recently, I've been helping my domestic help to solve her big marriage problem. It's a very hard time for any woman. She loves her husband and she has gone overseas to work, bringing home bacon to him and to her kids. She has done her best to please him and she can even give up her life for him, so to speak! However, the fact is, he enjoyed spending all her money with other woman. She just found out the ugly truth and she's very hurt. He's being a terrible liar and did his best to make her suffer alone far from her family and home. We're not her family but being there like her family to give her comfort and support. Therefore, I will NEVER advice people to love blindly and unconditionally without looking at some ugly facts of that spouse. It doesn't make sense to give away your precious love to an assxxxx for receiving all craps back. True love can only give to someone who respects you, who loves you faithfully and who can be trusted.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Some people just have bad luck.

Be glad that you are one of the lucky ones.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Some people just have bad luck.

Be glad that you are one of the lucky ones.
Yes but I'm terrified. No woman wants to get married to find out her husband betrays her one day. You're lucky now doesn't mean you'll be lucky forever. You're lucky doesn't all the people are so lucky as you. People change from time to time. Once a very good spouse can become a very lousy one that's why many people are suffering and looking for insights. Of course you can love your man blindly but sometimes it's danger to advice everybody to do like you, especially for those, who suffer from domestic violence and cheating spouses. It doesn't make sense when you advice them just love blindly without asking for return.

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Old 10-16-2010, 11:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I learn from the past, live in the present, and plan for my future.

I don't let my future bother me. I don't let my past haunt me.

It will be stupid of me to let unknown future torture me.

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Old 10-17-2010, 09:33 AM   #9 (permalink)
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MarriedWifeinLove,

Thank you so much for posting this. It's something I needed to read this morning.
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Old 10-17-2010, 11:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I'm glad it helped.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:11 AM   #11 (permalink)
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This is not an easy road to walk. But it is the most rewarding road however. An old Buddhist saying goes like this, 'I want peace.' If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left. The true meaning of marriage is expressing love unconditionally to another. It is an unstoppable force that can endure anything. How do you find it? Within yourself. You have to draw strength from you. Neither seeking validation nor acceptance, just seeking the opportunity to show love.

I feel this is all true, no doubt, the only downside is : If our spouses abuse it. And this happens far too often in marraiges. It takes a very very very special man or women to NOT start building resentment to live this way and not expect or desire anything in return.

How many of us can truly take our desires out of the equation? All of our desires, all of our wants?? I can not count myself among those who walk this path, I believe I am too selfish for this.

Just being honest.

MarriedWifeInLove: Your husband is truly & utterly blessed.
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Old 10-18-2010, 08:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I feel this is all true, no doubt, the only downside is : If our spouses abuse it. And this happens far too often in marraiges. It takes a very very very special man or women to NOT start building resentment to live this way and not expect or desire anything in return.

How many of us can truly take our desires out of the equation? All of our desires, all of our wants?? I can not count myself among those who walk this path, I believe I am too selfish for this.

Just being honest.

MarriedWifeInLove: Your husband is truly & utterly blessed.
I agree. I do believe in unconditional love only when my husband has same belief.
I don't want to be a saint or trying to be one.
If a man gives me any crap, he must get ready to recieve tons of shxx... In this case, better give my love to my dog.
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Old 10-18-2010, 09:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Unconditional love:
I think we all practice this to some degree, at some point in our relationships, and in successful marriages, pretty much all the time. It's about choice. We all make the choice to stay with a person every day, despite their faults. This is basically what it's about. We're not staying with them because we literally can't live without them, though it would feel like death in some ways to part with them. This means it's not all about them, and the responsibility for the marriage and your happiness isn't completely on their shoulders.

Where 'love' can go wrong: Sometimes it is fear that keeps people together, the fear of being alone. They let this 'fear of death' control them. If a person is strong within themselves, this fear isn't present, or it is examined and ignored as silly 'old brain' stuff. A partner could sense that, see the strength that runs beneath, and this in itself would keep a person true when otherwise they may not have been. People can sense fear, and most will see it as a weakness, and for a person who struggles with their own faults (lust, addictions, low self-respect etc), not taking advantage of this weakness would be difficult. They know that where the strength would mean their partner could walk away and move on if they give into their destructive urges, the weakness means that their partner will stay. There is nothing driving them to overcome their faults or grow as people.

"If you take your ego (I) and your desires (want) out of the equation, i.e., the self, you will have only peace left."

In theory, this sounds great, if I were a monk.
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:15 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Interesting discussion. However, for this definition of love to exist and survive, the people involved have to have risen to a higher level of consciousness than the average human. IMO, one of the main ingredients required in order for this to arrangement work is selflessness on the part of at least one of the spouses. My wife talks the talk about this selflessness but doesn’t really walk the walk (I hear so much from her about I don’t meet her needs, and therefore, she can’t find it in herself to meet my needs).

To be truly successful with this model of love and marriage, at least one partner has to be truly selfless and the other has also be the same way, or at least the other has to be truly honest, trustworthy and have a deep level of commitment to the relationship.

I feel that many marriages fail because both spouses are looking for what they get in return for whatever they give to the relationship. In those terms, the relationship degenerates to a business relationship where emotional support, affection, sex, food, clothing, shelter, etc, are obtained in exchange for whatever physical, monetary or emotional currency is being given in return.
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Old 10-19-2010, 07:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Interesting discussion. However, for this definition of love to exist and survive, the people involved have to have risen to a higher level of consciousness than the average human. IMO, one of the main ingredients required in order for this to arrangement work is selflessness on the part of at least one of the spouses. My wife talks the talk about this selflessness but doesnít really walk the walk (I hear so much from her about I donít meet her needs, and therefore, she canít find it in herself to meet my needs).

To be truly successful with this model of love and marriage, at least one partner has to be truly selfless and the other has also be the same way, or at least the other has to be truly honest, trustworthy and have a deep level of commitment to the relationship.
Before THIS post, I was accually thinking about this , the same thoughts exactly- about at least 1 partner.

In evulating my own marriage, I can say 100% that my husband is much more selfless than ME. Always has been. It is so true, I demand more, I want more. He was patient when I was not so into sex, he was never the type to demand his needs & wants, or even complain. (I wish he had though) I am so pathetically opposite of this, he amazes me, but it sometimes bothers me too. I want him to be more selfish!!! I have accually had arguments with him about this.

I am that other partner, like THIS post mentions, who is truly Honest in return , about what I want, need and since he is such a giver, he strives to fullfill. Luckily, the things I "want" the most are things he loves to give. This surely helps. (We share the same primary Love Languages). He also understands me , with my weaknesses, knowing I am not as patient as him, not as self-less but accepts me & loves me all the same. I am a Giver too, especially in the sex department these days, I even surpass him.

BUt for me to give & give & give and not get anything back, I am simply not the type who could Endure this.

I really believe my marraige works beautifully MORE because of who I am married too, than anything I am doing. So much credit goes to my Husband.
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