Having problems with married life..
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Having problems with married life..

Hi,

I'm new to this forum and I have a problem for which I need user advice. I'm married over the last 4 months. My husband tells me that he loves me a lot. But this is the story...We get to meet his family (parents and siblings) pretty frequenlty like once a month. He is so attached to his family and gets very flexible and soft when it comes to his family members. I sometimes think that he uses me like a commodity and takes me for granted. He doesnt take me out a lot. He never goes with me to the mall or to any other new attraction, but excuses himself by saying hes busy. But he has all the time in the world when it comes to spending time with his family. I appreciate the fact that he is a good son and close to his family, but I also appreciate due importance to me as a wife. I sometimes feel so low about myself because i feel he neglects me. He doesnt care if we are just home and dint go out anywhere else. He just wants to visit his family all the time and is contended with that. He doesnt mind spending anything for his family members, but when it comes to me, he always talks abt budget bla. He yells at me for no reason. Basically his behavior is very different to me Vs his family.
This might seem to be a very small problem to ppl who are reading this, but Im newly wed and I dont even know how to react to such situations. I need some advice on what I should be doing.
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:13 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having problems with married life..

This is not a small problem and you are wise to begin to question his behavior early in the marriage. He does have an obligation to his family but his number one priority should be his wife. Have you spoken to him on how this hurts you? That you feel you are being treated as a second class citizen? First step in working through your marital problems is to communicate your needs to each other. He needs to balance his time between you and family with what is fair to you. Second, has his behavior changed since you got married? Has he always been verbally abusive towards you? This could be a warning sign.
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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With regard to going out and doing things, do you think that he just prefers staying in to going out? If you are just different from each other in that way, maybe suggest some things you can do together that you would like to do outside of the house. Even if it is going for a walk, etc. bring it up to him that you are newly married and want to spend time interacting with him & see how he responds.
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Old 07-21-2008, 04:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having problems with married life..

Well, I feel I'm exaggerating it a bit seeing ur response. He yells at me jus meaning he raises his voice a little bit when talking. He doesnt abuse me at all.
Yes, he is an inside person and enjoys other indoor activities like reading books , computers etc. I tried a lot influencing him by walks, and other outside activities, but I'm tired!
I do not mind asking him abt equal importance to me, but I don't know if he will offended about it as this means comparison b/w partner and family. What if he thinks I'm mean? I thought I should give it some time for the relation\ship to bond! But I think a lot keep worrying abt such things. What do u think is best thing to do? I want to deal with it gracefully.
Thanks for ur advice.
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Old 07-21-2008, 04:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yes, he is an inside person and enjoys other indoor activities like reading books , computers etc. I tried a lot influencing him by walks, and other outside activities, but I'm tired!
You both dont share the same interest in hobbies. He wont be offended if you talk to him about doing things together and doing it kind of 50/50 in the sense of sometimes you do what you like and other times you do what he likes.

Dont approach this like complaining but I have an idea and see where that takes you.
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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What is that?
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Having problems with married life..

As was already pointed out, this is no a small problem. The most important person in both of your lives should be your spouse. When that doesn't happen, resentment isn't far behind. It is something you should start working on right now. If you are feeling low and neglected, that is a big deal. You are now is innermost family, if there is any disparity at all, it should flow your way, not theirs.

You'll hear people say "communication" over and over, and for a good reason. We make assumptions our spouses understand certain things, or connect the dots the same we do, but that's often not the case. Make sure he understands exactly how it makes you feel, and exactly what needs to change for you to be comfortable with disparity between how he treats you versus his family.

I know you worry that he might just think you're asking him to chose between you and his family, even though that's not what you intend. So, I think the first thing you should do is make sure he knows you don't feel threatened by him wanting to spend time with his family, that you understand the importance and admire that in him. If he understands you don't have a problem with his relationship to his family, he should hopefully be more open to understanding that you just need to be treated the same (and hopefully even better.)

Think of all the things he does for his family that he doesn't do to you, but instead of drawing negative comparisons for him (which he'll see as "nagging",) just tell him about all those things and how great it is that he does them all for his family and you just want to feel the same sort of support and care.

As for activities, you should definitely try working together with him on ideas you are both interested in, instead of focusing on that what he doesn't want to do. It's good for each of you to do something with your spouse even if the other doesn't care for it, it shows strong love and support, but it's actually pretty easy to find plenty of common interests when you try. Now if he keeps saying no to everything, that's something a bit else.
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Old 07-22-2008, 09:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for your advice. I will try and talk to him about it. But this seems like a mountain to me as he almost always draws out some logic and tries to convince me. I cannot give him instances but its a 'feeling' I have developed over time. I have so many such issues and it is all eating me slowly as I don't like to nag him a lot. I don't think its fair as I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel miserable within myself. But he keeps telling me that he loves me. I would like to see that in actions not just words.

He has time to baby sit his nephew for a whole weekend but doesn;t find time for me (things to do with me) All this makes me think I'm just a commodity for him that he thinks he can keep under his control and within limits so I don't rule him. All the way as I was growing I was against male chauvinism and was pretty much a feminist. But now I have started to think I got what I chided!
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Old 07-22-2008, 10:30 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by sruthi View Post
Thanks for your advice. I will try and talk to him about it. But this seems like a mountain to me as he almost always draws out some logic and tries to convince me. I cannot give him instances but its a 'feeling' I have developed over time. I have so many such issues and it is all eating me slowly as I don't like to nag him a lot. I don't think its fair as I sometimes cry myself to sleep and feel miserable within myself. But he keeps telling me that he loves me. I would like to see that in actions not just words.

He has time to baby sit his nephew for a whole weekend but doesn;t find time for me (things to do with me) All this makes me think I'm just a commodity for him that he thinks he can keep under his control and within limits so I don't rule him. All the way as I was growing I was against male chauvinism and was pretty much a feminist. But now I have started to think I got what I chided!

I think that it will be a lot easier to deal with now, than if you let things go on like this. It's much harder to deal with these if you don't express yourself, and let some of your expectations known. It may seem like a big mountain now, but if you let it go it could be something that puts a wedge in your marriage.
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