He lied about his age...
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default He lied about his age...

Hi there. I was on here a few weeks ago sharing concerns about a guy I met about 2 months ago now. We have been out together on about 3 dates. As I mentioned most of our contact has been by phone or text because we have had trips etc planned before we met.

Anyway, he is VERY serious. He has always been very clear that he wants children -- he's never been married and his online profile said he was 41. Well, last date he told me much of his family drama and struggles -- I told him some very personal trauma from my childhood. I told him I wanted him to know the good bad and ugly. He then asked me again if I was sure I wanted more children. I said yes.

He started even hinting at how he hasn't felt this way before about anyone other than his previous fiance. Talking and dreaming about our future together.

Then, for some reason I got a weird feeling about things. So I did a background check on him. He is really 50 years old.
He never told me.

So this morning I asked him flat out if he was "41" or "42"...and he told me that he was 50. He said I thought you knew? I said no -- you swore when I first started talking to you that everything on your online profile (which he closed down right away when we started talking) was accurate. He said is it a problem? I said ahhh...well, the problem really is that you lied to me.

He got enraged and said it was just a "miscommunication".

Here's the deal....I really fell for the guy. Now I just feel fooled.
Would you pursue this, if you were me?
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Well, lying about his age seems like a little thing. But, it makes you wonder. If he will lie about little things, what else is he not being completely honest about. And the fact that he became enraged over the issue would make me wonder. You may need to do more digging. If nothing else turns up, things might work out. When dealing with a liar, precede with caution though.
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

My husband lied about his age when we met. He told me he was 5 yrs younger than me and then when we started getting serious, he confessed to being 9 yrs younger than me. Once I got past the shock, I thought it was cute and flattering that he wanted to date me so badly he lied his age.

After the things we've been through, I would advise you to see his lying as a red flag. My husband has been dishonest with me about things big and small throughout our relationship. Things have greatly improved in that area, but it took alot of work and heartache to get to this point.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband - but, If I knew then what I know now...
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Old 10-22-2010, 11:35 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

He's not the first person to lie in an online profile, so I'm not sure how much weight that carries here.

He's probably feeling a bit insecure about his age and prospects to be a father. His biological clock is ticking, so to speak. I imagine he lied about his age in the dating profile because he wanted to attract a woman to have children with, but didn't want to be qualified out before he could meet someone. Dating and relationships are so different.

If you are okay with the age difference, I'd overlook it. But I'd tell him that you are not okay with lying in a relationship, and just be aware of it.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:09 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Often people lie in their online dating profiles. It's hard to simply trust that what you see on there is the truth.

The fact that he lied about his age is a red flag to me. It's one that I would consider overlooking if he came clean and was totally honest after that.

The fact that he got "enraged" over you calling him out on his lie is the biggest red flag, though. That, to me, indicates a major problem. He lied; most people would be humbled, apologetic, and ashamed when called out on a lie. He got enraged. This is not a normal reaction.

I'd get as far away from his as you can as quickly as you can.
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Old 10-22-2010, 12:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Men who are comfortable with themselves never lie about their age. I'm 61, told I don't look it and I certainly don't feel it, but I have no problem with my age.

A man can be 30 or 50, the 50 yo can be younger in heart and fitter than the 30 yo. There ain't no reason to lie.

Men who do lie about their age are being manipulative. So if you go with a man who isn't ruthful about his age expect to be manipulated.

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Old 10-22-2010, 12:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes I agree. It was weird. He told me his age on the phone when I questioned him and when he said 50. I said "I'm sorry your phone broke up" and he said "did I stutter"
I said no no. I am just a bit stunned He said if this bothers you tell me now. I said well I just need to digest this a bit but said I don't think it does... I'm just surprised. After a little bit of mindless conversation I had to go to a meeting. We got off and he sent me a text saying he thought I knew because he "told me what year he bought his company and he thought I was enough of a researcher to figure it out". I responded by saying it wouldn't bother me probably had he told me right away and not lied about it". He called instantly leaving me a voicemail ... Very upset saying that he didn't want negative harsh criticism that he didn't deserve and calling him a lier was below the belt and how he's glad he's not living a judgmental life like me. He then said it's clear what you want so have a nice life.

I was stunned.


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Originally Posted by atruckersgirl View Post
Often people lie in their online dating profiles. It's hard to simply trust that what you see on there is the truth.

The fact that he lied about his age is a red flag to me. It's one that I would consider overlooking if he came clean and was totally honest after that.

The fact that he got "enraged" over you calling him out on his lie is the biggest red flag, though. That, to me, indicates a major problem. He lied; most people would be humbled, apologetic, and ashamed when called out on a lie. He got enraged. This is not a normal reaction.

I'd get as far away from his as you can as quickly as you can.
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Old 10-22-2010, 03:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Am I completely nuts to try to make this right? I really liked this guy... But he shut me down because he thought I was "judging" him. I didn't judge. I was just saying he wasn't forthcoming by lying to me. Am I crazy to contact him?
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Old 10-22-2010, 03:50 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Sorry, FT, it is a HUGE red flag!!! He sounds manipulative and psychologically abusive (game player). I know it's not what you want to hear; it hurts to get your hopes up only to be let down. If I were you, I would forget him and move on and learn from the experience. Always, always, always follow your instincts!

Good luck and best wishes!
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Old 10-22-2010, 03:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Yes, you are crazy to contact him. Three dates in and he's acting weird. You weren't judging him, you were stating that he lied about his age, which is true.

With dating, you need to take a very brutal attitude and move on from people that exhibit red flags too early. Lying about the age is one thing, getting defensive and blowing you off, is another. The blowing off behavior speaks to a very defensive, passive-aggressive personality. Why deliberately complicate your life. There are other men in the dating pool.
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Old 10-22-2010, 06:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

I think his behavior has now answered the question for you. The initial lie turned into something even more troubling.
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: He lied about his age...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
Men who are comfortable with themselves never lie about their age. I'm 61, told I don't look it and I certainly don't feel it, but I have no problem with my age.

A man can be 30 or 50, the 50 yo can be younger in heart and fitter than the 30 yo. There ain't no reason to lie.

Men who do lie about their age are being manipulative. So if you go with a man who isn't ruthful about his age expect to be manipulated
BOY did you hit this head on! When I was in my 30's I was insecure and might have lied about my age to "please" someone too or get what I wanted, but now that I'm almost 50 I have no problem whatsoever telling someone my actual age because I am who I am.

The fact he lied shows a bit of a red flag that would warn me.

The fact that he became enraged when you found out the truth and asks for truthfulness is a gigantic red flag. He's not a bit embarrassed or hoping to please you--he's manipulating someone to get what he wants, no matter what the cost to them.

I would say Bob is dead on target - RUN!!!
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Old 10-22-2010, 07:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Yeah, I had already seen slight signs of manipulation. I get up very early in the morning for work and he would text me constantly saying ge wanted to talk because "he couldn't sleep". I would participate. But he would demand I send him a picture of myself. If I didn't obligue because I was working ... He would say "I thought you were the one but I guess not ha ha". " I thought you were REAL and would snap a pic in any setting". This morning I said no sorry I'm busy. So he ignored me for hrs on text. He said he was "pouting"

The guy appeared to have the right values but in hindsight I guess this is a blessing. He started talking about being together forever after 2 weeks. He's a millionaire. But who cares about money when he's a FREAK. No wonder he's 50 and never married
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Old 10-22-2010, 08:18 PM   #14 (permalink)
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The guy appeared to have the right values but in hindsight I guess this is a blessing. He started talking about being together forever after 2 weeks. He's a millionaire. But who cares about money when he's a FREAK. No wonder he's 50 and never married
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Yes. 50 and never married is a big fat peter pan red flag. You're doing the right thing.
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Old 10-22-2010, 10:46 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yeah, I had already seen slight signs of manipulation. I get up very early in the morning for work and he would text me constantly saying ge wanted to talk because "he couldn't sleep". I would participate. But he would demand I send him a picture of myself. If I didn't obligue because I was working ... He would say "I thought you were the one but I guess not ha ha". " I thought you were REAL and would snap a pic in any setting". This morning I said no sorry I'm busy. So he ignored me for hrs on text. He said he was "pouting"

The guy appeared to have the right values but in hindsight I guess this is a blessing. He started talking about being together forever after 2 weeks. He's a millionaire. But who cares about money when he's a FREAK. No wonder he's 50 and never married
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How did he make his millions? Why does he have so much time to text you during the day? A millionaire is not usually idle during the day if his money comes from a business. He may be lying about the money too.

I would think that a sane man would not talk about marriage in the first two weeks of a relationship. He is probably the type who runs white hot in the beginning of a relationship and burns out after a month or two. My advice, never get involved with a man who comes on too strong, hot and heavy. This type of person likes the excitement of the chase only and losses interest as soon as the prey is caught. You are lucky you found out about the age issues now and it caused you to doubt him before things got too far.
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