Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??
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Old 10-25-2010, 01:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Guys, should I worry that my husband keeps looking at other women? I am an attractive women in her mid 40s but look much younger. We were married about 3 years. I don't have kids.

I understand its okay to look every once in a while. but when I am with my husband and he sees an attractive girl in her 20s or 30s (he is 50), he can't help but look not once but over and over again so that the girl knows he is checking her out. Of course I feel like s__t.

I use to feel insecure because I gained a little weight and he always criticized the way I dressed. I remember once I wore an expensive jacket and shirt he bought for me that he thought I would look great in. I wore it out to dinner. While we were at the bar (it was new years eve) there was a young red head in a simply skimpy but tasteful top and jeans. He kept glancing at her over and over. She noticed and so did her date. I felt 2 inches small. I couldn't wait to leave.

It is really embarrassing when I am out with his friends. They notice him looking because they look to see what he is looking at and then they look a bit uncomfortable. Of course he always denies he is looking.

I recently lost weight and look better than I've looked in years. Now that I am thinner I dress differently and he never complains, even compliments how I look. I don't dress anymore for HIM, I dress for myself. Other men find me attractive. STILL, he continues to look at other women, and I am continuously reminded that I am not his type because the women he looks at don't look like me.

If an attractive woman (a waitress) gives him extra attention or eye contact he clearly enjoys it. He is shy and wouldn't try to talk a girl up but if she is responsive and talkative, who knows? He said he would NEVER cheat that it is not in his makeup. His ex girlfriend of many years cheated on him with many guys. Many of his friends knew.

To make matters worst, he stopped wearing his wedding band at least a year now. He wore it on and off, but he has gained so much weight that it doesn't fit. I tell him I will get it resized but he says he doesn't like wearing rings.

Even though we are recently married, I feel our connection slowly slipping. I work very hard to do things together. He seems less interested in working on making the relationship better. I live in his house and he works and I don't so he feels he can do whatever he wants.

When I was married before we had a much different relationship. We did everything together even after 10 years. It seems my husband likes his space. That's fine, but give him an inch and he takes a mile. Now we are miles apart and he stares at other women.
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Old 10-25-2010, 03:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

I believe every woman go's through this it don't matter how beautiful you are a man will always have a wondering eye. Just know that your great and let him look because there is no harm in it the harm is when they start persuing. Try not to take it personal I just think it is most mens nature to check out women, but if you feel he is having an affair that is another issue at hand. If your really that uncomfortable with it the best thing to do is sit him down and talk to him about how you feel.
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Old 10-25-2010, 04:45 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Most men do look at women. On the other hand most men don't stare or gawk to the point that it is excessively lengthy and noticable to other people. I think a quick glance is normal, but it seems your husband is a bit insensitive to you and has a poor sense of boundaries.

You really should assert to him that you find this unacceptable in a strong manner. Not a discussion, but more a lecture. If he still cannot tone it down there is a real reason for concern.
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Yup, we all look at other people, especially attractive ones, men and women alike. Just like we look at nice cars, nice houses or whatever else is interesting for us. That's because we have a pair of eyes and they were given to us exactly to look at everything that's interesting. In my daily trip to work with the bus, i'd occasionally look all across the buss and find all of the attractive men in it. That's partly out of curiosity, partly because it's fun. If any of them were to approach me however, i wouldn't give twenty seconds worth of conversation on them because i'm happily married and in love with my husband.

For the sake of argument, i sometimes wear blouses with cleavage and i've noticed that men and women stare just as much! People will look at anything that's interesting so i doubt the "men are programmed to look at beautiful women" is the way to explain it. We all look at everything. We just have different interests. Having said that, there's a difference between looking and staring at someone for minutes on end just like Frost mentioned.

I'd personally have a serious conversation on why that's happening and whether he thinks it's ok. I'd also ask him how he'd feel if i kept looking at all attractive men that i run across trying to figure out whether they have big enough equipment down there and how he'd feel if he notice me doing that obsessively. Might be a bit weird what i'm saying but usually talking things over with your spouse is the key.

The wedding band thing is probably because he's ashamed he gained a lot of weight.
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Old 10-25-2010, 06:02 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

I know I look but never stare or look twice and I try not to do it when I am with my wife, I feel it would disrespectful to her.
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Old 10-25-2010, 06:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

I never catch my husband looking at other women. If he notices them, he's very discreet about it. Just the same as when I notice a good looking guy.

When I see guys staring at women, practically seeing their tongues lolling across the floor, I think 'crass and uncouth'. I could be wrong, maybe the guy is very intelligent, interesting etc, but at that point, he's certainly not acting like it. I'd be embarrassed to be out with someone who did that, and I'd soon leave them to embarrass themselves on their own.
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Old 10-25-2010, 06:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

All guys look at attractive women. Some are just more discreet about it than others. It only means you married a member of the male gender.
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Old 10-25-2010, 07:40 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Hey my wife and I are both in our mid forties, and I have always looked at attractive women (just quick glances though, never so they would know that I am staring at them). Men are visual, and I believe that the vast majority of men are like this. Most don't make it obvious that they are staring. If he is that obvious, he needs to find a way to be more discreet about it. It is disrespectful to you. I never made it obvious if my wife was with me except for one time when my wife and I were getting in the car and our neighbor was outside (she had recently lost alot of weight and really is looking hot now) my wife caught me looking at her as we were getting in the car and pointed it out to me (she said stop staring at her it is embarrassing me) so even when I think I'm being discreet I sometimes slip up. Just recently though, I noticed that she will point out men that she thinks are hot too, so it is not just men doing it. As long as you think nothing is happening other than looking, tell him to be less obnoxious about it because it is obvious to you.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Thanks for your comments.

I understand it is okay to look. I do too. A glance is okay. I don't say he stares not stop. He just keeps looking over at the person, even if they are not in his line of vision. Meaning he has to turn his head. Yes it feels so disrespectful.

This summer we went on vacation to a nice sea place. We went to a nice restaurant. this handsome family that looked like they had money came in. The two little blonde girls were adorable. The husband wasn't bad looking and they were with her mother. The wife, who was probably in her 40s, was well groomed and well dressed. I assumed they were staying at the nearby $600/night hotel.

They stood out and the wife was swimming in all her glory. THEN an everyday middle-aged man walked in with a 30 or 40 something hotcake in a red halter dress and sat to the left of the husband. his woman was clearly not of their "stature, but the husband couldn't take his eyes off this woman. His wife was on his right, so clearly he had to turn his head away from his wife and slightly to the left to look at this woman. He would look at her, not a quick glance, but a few seconds. He turned to look at her at least 10 times.

I was SO humiliated for her. I could see she felt humiliated and had been knocked off her high horse. I guess I enjoyed watching her squirm because he was acting so snooty when she came in.

My husband's back was to all this so I was giving him the blow by blow of "oops, he's staring again..oh the wife is so embarrassed! ""This is so embarrassing to watch." This made an impact on my husband because he saw just how bad it looked and how people noticed! He became more conscious of staring for a while.

I have told him over and over again and he mostly says "What girl?!" He sees how upset I get but he acts like I am imagining things. I can't tell you how many times I felt really FOULISH! Some girls notice he is staring and they feel powerful and become even more animated. Especially when they are with their date because they can show off that look how hot I look that everyman wants me.

At the same time he is doing this he calls me the "church" lady. He use to criticize my hair and dress. At least now that I lost weight, I look a lot different.

I guess I wouldn't feel so insecure if we had a better relationship. Now he is into sleeping on the couch. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Life sucks.
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Old 10-25-2010, 08:27 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Quote:
Originally Posted by marriagesucks View Post
Guys, should I worry that my husband keeps looking at other women? I am an attractive women in her mid 40s but look much younger. We were married about 3 years. I don't have kids.

I understand its okay to look every once in a while. but when I am with my husband and he sees an attractive girl in her 20s or 30s (he is 50), he can't help but look not once but over and over again so that the girl knows he is checking her out. Of course I feel like s__t.

I use to feel insecure because I gained a little weight and he always criticized the way I dressed. I remember once I wore an expensive jacket and shirt he bought for me that he thought I would look great in. I wore it out to dinner. While we were at the bar (it was new years eve) there was a young red head in a simply skimpy but tasteful top and jeans. He kept glancing at her over and over. She noticed and so did her date. I felt 2 inches small. I couldn't wait to leave.

It is really embarrassing when I am out with his friends. They notice him looking because they look to see what he is looking at and then they look a bit uncomfortable. Of course he always denies he is looking.

I recently lost weight and look better than I've looked in years. Now that I am thinner I dress differently and he never complains, even compliments how I look. I don't dress anymore for HIM, I dress for myself. Other men find me attractive. STILL, he continues to look at other women, and I am continuously reminded that I am not his type because the women he looks at don't look like me.

If an attractive woman (a waitress) gives him extra attention or eye contact he clearly enjoys it. He is shy and wouldn't try to talk a girl up but if she is responsive and talkative, who knows? He said he would NEVER cheat that it is not in his makeup. His ex girlfriend of many years cheated on him with many guys. Many of his friends knew.

To make matters worst, he stopped wearing his wedding band at least a year now. He wore it on and off, but he has gained so much weight that it doesn't fit. I tell him I will get it resized but he says he doesn't like wearing rings.

Even though we are recently married, I feel our connection slowly slipping. I work very hard to do things together. He seems less interested in working on making the relationship better. I live in his house and he works and I don't so he feels he can do whatever he wants.

When I was married before we had a much different relationship. We did everything together even after 10 years. It seems my husband likes his space. That's fine, but give him an inch and he takes a mile. Now we are miles apart and he stares at other women.
Does he come home to you every night? Is there anything else going on in your marriage?

By your forum name, I would guess there is. If that's the case, maybe his staring isn't the biggest problem you have.
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Old 10-25-2010, 04:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Quote:
Originally Posted by marriagesucks View Post
Thanks for your comments.

I understand it is okay to look. I do too. A glance is okay. I don't say he stares not stop. He just keeps looking over at the person, even if they are not in his line of vision. Meaning he has to turn his head. Yes it feels so disrespectful.
....
I guess I wouldn't feel so insecure if we had a better relationship. Now he is into sleeping on the couch. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. Life sucks.
I see why you have the handle you have. If he is sleeping on the couch today either he has serious sleep problems or more likely, serious marriage problems. I don't envy you.

I'm male, I notice every woman out of the corner of my eye, using the same part of my brain that recently noticed when a 4 year old darted into the street from behind a bush, I stopped my car before I realized he was there.

I look but don't stare at attractive women, unless they are walking on a beach, wiggling, wearing about 2 square inches of fabric, wanting to attract (fe)male eyes, there were a few in Puerto Rico last January, going a 1/4+ mile in each direction, several times.

If I looked half as good as them, I'd walk at least a mile a day until I had invitations for drinks, dinner and more, that kind of beauty and power has to go to one's head.

However, your husband is over doing girl watching, while you find this very problematic, I think you need to start giving him a poke in the ribs or a kick in the shins, or higher.

This seems to be only one of several marital issues, good luck.
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Old 10-25-2010, 05:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Thanks for your comments.

It is true, there are other things wrong with this relationship. Last night (as I do every night) I ask him to come to bed and not fall asleep on the couch. Well he fell asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night and I went downstairs and asked him to come to bed. He didn't. I heard him get up and go to his office next to our bedroom (he works from home).

This is started to make me depressed. I just want to escape my reality. When it gets too much and I want to escape my reality I take a sleeping pill. I took one this morning. At 11 am he came in the room and woke me up asking why I was still in bed at 11 am. I told him I wasn't feeling well. (usually I wake up and go to the gym every day). At 1:30 pm he walked in the room and waked me up again. He was taking a shower to get ready to go to the dentist. I got up and went downstairs. He asked me what was wrong and I just said I didn't feel well.

So he left for the dentist and it is 5:15 pm so I guess he does what he usually does every evening after work - he goes to the bar to hang out with his friends. Even though I was in bed all day and clearly not well, he still goes out to enjoy himself. He doesn't give a s>>>>t about me.

There goes that feeling again. I think I need another sleeping pill.
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Old 10-25-2010, 06:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Having worked from home for months at a time I missed the daily interactions with friends, so I could see him going out once or twice a week, going out more often than not is similar to what my w does. I also feel rejected, she's got time and interest for friends and work, not for me.

Its only one sign of several things wrong in my marriage and in yours.

I suggest finding a good counselor for you, a marriage therapist if you want to stay married.

I strongly suggest you find a psychiatrist and talk to him about your depression, ask detailed questions if he Rx's a pill before starting any medication - in particular ask about how hard it is to stop, weight gain, and getting the dosage right.

Mark

Quote:
Originally Posted by marriagesucks View Post
Thanks for your comments.

It is true, there are other things wrong with this relationship. Last night (as I do every night) I ask him to come to bed and not fall asleep on the couch. Well he fell asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night and I went downstairs and asked him to come to bed. He didn't. I heard him get up and go to his office next to our bedroom (he works from home).

This is started to make me depressed. I just want to escape my reality. When it gets too much and I want to escape my reality I take a sleeping pill. I took one this morning. At 11 am he came in the room and woke me up asking why I was still in bed at 11 am. I told him I wasn't feeling well. (usually I wake up and go to the gym every day). At 1:30 pm he walked in the room and waked me up again. He was taking a shower to get ready to go to the dentist. I got up and went downstairs. He asked me what was wrong and I just said I didn't feel well.

So he left for the dentist and it is 5:15 pm so I guess he does what he usually does every evening after work - he goes to the bar to hang out with his friends. Even though I was in bed all day and clearly not well, he still goes out to enjoy himself. He doesn't give a s>>>>t about me.

There goes that feeling again. I think I need another sleeping pill.
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

I didn't read any of the other comments, so please excuse me if I'm redundant in my response.

When I read the title of this thread, I thought my anwser would be; "it depends" - on the nature of teh relationship and the degree to which the huspabd is doing the looking. But after reading your post, I feel that any response along those lines would be totally off the mark.

I, infact, think your husband is acting like a complete and total uncaring ass. His behavior indicates he has no repect for you and the fact that he can't see that his actions cause you discomfort is the proof for that statement. Given that his gawking goes to the extremes you describe, his behavior is not about a passing curiosity; it is about seeking attention that he may not be getting from you, OR, he is a narcissist seeking only self-justification and self-gratification by gaining the attention of others at your expense.

It sounds like you have BIG problems that I'm guessing won't go away no matter what you do - narcissisism is a difficult, deep rooted affliction to deal with, IMO, though I could be wrong.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties - I wish you luck, cause you'll probably need some - in finding a solution.
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Old 10-25-2010, 09:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband always looking at other women - guys what does this mean??

Well, now that I've read all the other posts including your's, my opinion of the situation has changed. Your husband still has a big problem, but, based on some of your comments, you also have some serious problems.

The whole sleeping pill thing is just sort of a pathetic way to seek attention for yourself by trying to manipulate your husband to react in a way that you could interpret as concerned or caring. Well, to your dismay, that didn't work, did it?

It seems to me that both of you are playing games and involve behaving in a manner that is in part manipulative, part narcissistic, and part pathetic.

Your husband is probably feeling neglected, just as you are, and in turn, you fake depression (maybe it's real depression), and he acts like he couldn't give a rats ass about you.

I think the both of you need to get into a good counselor and open your souls to the truth of the matter - it's the only way you're going to find out if you're really right for each other or if it's time to cut your losses and run.
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