General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have absolutely no sex drive... I've never felt that I had a lot, but it seems non-existent. I'm a married woman of 17yrs, together for 20 and we have 2 middle school boys. Our last year has been especially challenging to our relationship and we run a construction/electrical business. I feel I have gotton here by a lot of hurtful situations that have all accumulated in the last 2yrs, LIKE:
1-husband started to not call me when he was drinking in the neighborhood where he was working, when usually he was home like clock work everyday.
2-husband recieved naked photo's of a female client/friend as a "Joke", claims it wasn't a big deal. I overreacted...
3-husband called me the wrong name during a most intimate moment and was able to repeat it (drank lots of tequilla that night, with the boys).
4-over reacted to a situation in a bar, where he got very possive over me (never reacted that way before). when i questioned behavior he got very mad, I left and it ended up with me getting thrown around the garage when we got home, so very angry over nothing.
But as we try to work through all these things I keep getting pressured about giving out oral satisfaction. I keep saying I have a lot to get over. He say's it's been over a year, but he's not keeping track. I'm not sure how to handle #4, I have always felt it was a total deal breaker. Now I'm in it and it's the last thing I want. I want to have the "heat" he wants me to have. And it's not like we don't have sex or make love. We do, and when we do it's good and sometime even 2 hours long and sometimes with partial oral. But because I'm not doing the "oral" thing from start to finish I'm not making him feel wanted. I personally think he's being selfish right now....
I want to move forward but really need some help dealing with my feelings. I end up a crying mess some days and don't even know why.
Thanks for reading this and I hope to get some helpful feed back.
You are being abused verbally and physically. I'm a guy who wishes I could take your h to the garage and show him what receiving abuse is like, preferably with a cat of nine tails.
I know there is a lot that connects you, even so I would call the police and have him arrested the next time he raises his hand even if there is no contact, abusing women is a crime, only bullies, drunks and criminals beat women up.
Whether or not you think he drinks too much - and I think he does - you should find a local Al-Anon chapter and start going. You should also start a separate bank account and start saving as much as possible.
You need to face reality, just as much as I do, my marriage is in the toilet, I know I have to move forward, think you will do the same unless he stops drinking, stays out of bars, and that isn't easy. I have more than one alcoholic I know well, one became a falling down drunk, the other sees AA as his adopted family and saving grace.
Good luck,
Mark
Quote:
Originally Posted by lv2dance
I have absolutely no sex drive... I've never felt that I had a lot, but it seems non-existent. I'm a married woman of 17yrs, together for 20 and we have 2 middle school boys. Our last year has been especially challenging to our relationship and we run a construction/electrical business. I feel I have gotton here by a lot of hurtful situations that have all accumulated in the last 2yrs, LIKE:
1-husband started to not call me when he was drinking in the neighborhood where he was working, when usually he was home like clock work everyday.
2-husband recieved naked photo's of a female client/friend as a "Joke", claims it wasn't a big deal. I overreacted...
3-husband called me the wrong name during a most intimate moment and was able to repeat it (drank lots of tequilla that night, with the boys).
4-over reacted to a situation in a bar, where he got very possive over me (never reacted that way before). when i questioned behavior he got very mad, I left and it ended up with me getting thrown around the garage when we got home, so very angry over nothing.
But as we try to work through all these things I keep getting pressured about giving out oral satisfaction. I keep saying I have a lot to get over. He say's it's been over a year, but he's not keeping track. I'm not sure how to handle #4, I have always felt it was a total deal breaker. Now I'm in it and it's the last thing I want. I want to have the "heat" he wants me to have. And it's not like we don't have sex or make love. We do, and when we do it's good and sometime even 2 hours long and sometimes with partial oral. But because I'm not doing the "oral" thing from start to finish I'm not making him feel wanted. I personally think he's being selfish right now....
I want to move forward but really need some help dealing with my feelings. I end up a crying mess some days and don't even know why.
Thanks for reading this and I hope to get some helpful feed back.
I'm never going to condone physical abuse, but presuming there is no previous history in your relationship of abuse, I would speculate that he is feeling just as hopeless and frustrated about what has happened to your marriage as you are.
The two of you are caught in what I call the 'Death Spiral'. You cannot see your way through to a solution - despite the fact that you both want one.
Let's start with the basics. Do you want to stay married to this man? Do you believe that he wants to stay married to you?
To Think to much... Interesting that you have the same name as my husband. I feel the increased alcohol is due to the stress of the economy and trying to keep work coming in & my not taking care of all his needs, business & personal. I would definately say the whole garage incident has me questioning everything. Thank you for the advice, I'm not sure what the technical definition is an "alcoholic" is, but I think the AA meeting is a good idea for me.
Deejo...
I believe we both want the same thing still. I think he says we are at a mexican stand off. He asks me all the time what I want him to do, but I have no idea. I dont even know where to start
Well, first of all, if he got pictures of a naked woman that he knows, you did not overreact. And him throwing you around the garage is absolutely unacceptable.
Generally speaking, my advice when someone has been abused by their spouse like that is that they should leave. Abuse gets worse, not better, with time. In fact, my best friend just left her abusive husband two weeks ago today because he was getting worse. I couldn't be prouder of her.
But, if you've been together 20 years, married 17, and he's never done this before, I suppose there is the possibility that this was a one time thing, brought on by poorly handled stress and too much alcohol.
I would make him go to counseling, though, if you decide to stay with him. Not just for the physical abuse, but for all the other stuff he's doing to you.
To Think to much... Interesting that you have the same name as my husband. I feel the increased alcohol is due to the stress of the economy and trying to keep work coming in & my not taking care of all his needs, business & personal. I would definately say the whole garage incident has me questioning everything. Thank you for the advice, I'm not sure what the technical definition is an "alcoholic" is, but I think the AA meeting is a good idea for me.
lv2dance,
I just came across an article anyone with a family member who drinks too much (whatever that is) should read. The author points out that cutting down on alcohol is often good enough, there are drugs that make doing so a lot easier.
It is here
Lloyd I. Sederer, MD: Medication For Alcoholism: Alternatives to Abstinence
I think it is very encouraging, many of us while not dependent on alcohol, drink excessively far too often, find treatments that require zero alcohol too hard.
OTH I know that AA works for many people, attend a meeting you'll hear folks say "I'm Joe/Susan/Tom and I've been dry for X years, Y months and Z days, I started drinking when I was WW", you'll may see men and women almost dead from drugs and alcohol, trying to stop.
At the one meeting I was invited to I saw all of this, saw young, old, and middle aged men and women trying to live with this disease, I say so because it is not a moral failing, rather an addiction.
In my suburban CT area, a large church parking lot is filled every weekday morning for an AA meeting, probably filled several times a day with well dressed, prospering men and women stopping before they head to work. Please don't think that because a person is holding a good job, wears nice clothes, makes money, prospering, s/he can't be an alcoholic. A former neighbor, a brilliant, hard driving senior attorney for Pepsi Cola, destroyed his liver before he was 45. He was sharp from wake up till arriving home, drank his dinner, fell asleep and went back to work 5 or 6 days a week in his custom made suit and shoes. I think he bought his whiskey by the case, went through a bottle or so a day according to my w's friend, his ex-wife.
As to being an alcoholic here's a simple test one can take
It is anonymous, asking about age, gender, and drinking patterns, takes under a minute if you touch type, maybe 3 minutes if you don't.
Wikipedia has an article that starts
Alcoholism, also known as alcohol dependence,[1][2] is a disabling addictive disorder. It is characterized by compulsive and uncontrolled consumption of alcohol despite its negative effects on the drinker's health, relationships, and social standing. Like other drug addictions, alcoholism is medically defined as a treatable disease.[3]
Knowing and knowing of alcoholics, their problems, the affect they have on their families, I consider myself fortunate that I found that a couple of drinks at a party made me miserably melancholic. After the 2nd time this happened in my freshman year I learned to nurse a beer, and leave when people started getting drunk. There is nothing admirable about my behavior, it just is.
Where's my sex drive? 
