once again put on back burner!

pampered · 10-25-2010, 12:44 PM

Hi,
I have been married for 31 yrs. My husband is the type of man who always put me on the back burner. We have been to counseling many years ago and the counselor did tell him that if he kept putting me on the back burner that someday he may go to find out that I was no longer there. It seems like I'm always the one who has to initiate the peace making when we do have a fight. Of course he is never wrong!! We had a major fight over a golf vacation he planned last year that almost ended our marriage. but that's another story. Here is what I'm so mad about this time and wonder if I have a right since once again I'm being told that I'm wrong. My husband goes to the local high school football games every week. I don't go anymore since our son Graduated a few years ago and does not play anymore. Every week he sits with the same gentleman in the bleachers. He even did this when we would go together to watch our son. I would sit with the parents and he would go off and sit with this guy. So Friday late afternoon I get a call from a cousin who I have not seen in over 15yrs. She was on her way to our area with her dad (who I have not seen in over 5 yrs) and wanted to stop in and see us. They were already on the road and expected to be to our house in 2 hours. I was so excited that my uncle and cousin were coming. My husband has always liked this Uncle too. I called my husband at work since he was planning on attending the local football game again. I thought he would like to change his plans. The response I got was "well Sue and Steve are looking forward to spending time with me!!!!!!!!!!!) Hello he see's these people every week!!! My relatives have not seen us in years. Needless to say I was pissed and lost my temper.

I believe family should have come first and that the other people would have understood about unexpected guests. now the clincher to the story is the drive took them longer than expected so they had to stop short of our house and check into a hotel for the night. My uncle is in his 80's and got so tired my cousin had to stop. We made plans for the next day and my husband was home then, so now he feels I have NO reason to still be mad.

because he saw them after all. He forgets that the reason I am mad is because once again I was put on the back burner for something else. The fact that he saw them after all doesn't change that. Any ideas on this. Do I have a right to feel mad? I just feel like I'm always the one who has to give in.

MsLonely · 10-25-2010, 01:04 PM

If you get upset with him once a year, he would be full ears, paying good attention to you. If you get upset easily and often, he would put you in the back burner because no matter what, you're already mad with him. There's nothing much he can rescue.
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JustAGirl · 10-25-2010, 01:07 PM

It's called "Selfishness"!
I have an H that is the same way when it comes to something HE doesn't want to do....
When your H said, "well Sue and Steve are looking forward to spending time with me!!!!!!!!!!" really meant, "I don't care, I'm not changing my plans, I'm gonna do what I wanna do!"
Men are very simple...when it turned out that their plans changed and it didn't disrupt his, he didn't see any reason for you to be mad...probably never will

Sorry....
I've just stopped including my H in anything, he can sit home, do as he pleases with whomever...I'm done being on the backburner!
I wish you the best!

heavenleigh · 10-25-2010, 01:27 PM

I feel like that all the time. I have been put on the back burner for many years also. I have just been doing what makes me happy. I give up worrying about what he is doing. If he doesn't want to spend time with me, then I will at least enjoy what I am doing myself or with whoever..... just like JustAGirl says.

Catherine602 · 10-25-2010, 04:45 PM

It would have been a nice gesture to drop his plans on this one occasion to be with you if he was aware that it was important to you that you would have liked him to be there. Did you make it clear that it would make you happy if he were there? You can't hint you have to be explicit. If he refuses when he knows how important it is to you than you have something to think about. We often put our own desires aside to do things for the people we love, do you do that for your husband?

Sometimes spouses take each other for granted, they think that they can always make up tomorrow for what they did not do today. Those slights add up and cause resentment and discord.

If your husband consistently ignores you and your needs when your are clear in stating them then, I think you need to step back and become less available to him, stop giving more than you get. Start doing things for yourself, taking time to do things you like but may not have wanted to take time away from family to do.

Become more selfish, not so available and accommodating. Start exercising, walking, doing something out side of the home at lest once per week. This will help you in two ways, you will not feel so unappreciated because you will not be giving more than you get and you will be putting yourself on the front burner where you should always place yourself. Nurture yourself and respect what you are and what you give have to give. If you value yourself and what you do, others will follow suit. If they don't then stop doing.

pampered · 10-25-2010, 10:50 PM

Thanks for the comments everyone! you have all made very good points.
Catherine~ yes, my husband knew how important it was to me for him to stay home. I told him that I didn't understand since he sat with this guy at every game every week and had not seen these family members for many years. I told him I thought family was more important than a football game. I laid it out very plainly to him and he knew I was very upset.
his comment was "they should have called sooner!" I have actually started doing things for myself. I just got a part time job. I raised 4 children and stayed home with them. they are all out of the house now. Our baby just left the nest last year for college. My husband grumbled about the job but I'm really enjoying it. It's only one or two days a week but he feels that the 30 minute drive and what I get paid isn't worth it. what I get out of it is worth more than the money to me.